To expect a better response from DH?

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I’m going through a really hard time at the moment. Burnt out from stress from work, dealing with some deep trauma, and dealing with the sadness of not having another DC. I’m seeing a therapist, but I’m seriously struggling. I also think I have ADHD and I’m on the waiting list for assessment.

DH has been depressed for years, and it’s culminated this year to him not doing anything around the house for 3 months over the summer. So I had to shoulder all the childcare, all the housework, all the mental load, plus a very hectic work schedule. I’m really behind with my work now because of it and it’s pushing me to breaking point.

Several night this last fortnight I’ve just sat weeping, and weeping and weeping. I just can’t get through all my work and honestly just want to give it up but obviously can’t afford to.

Im working through all of this, but DH just stares at me. No “are you ok?” No hugs, no trying to help me. If I ask him to do stuff he invariably does something else. He used to do loads, I know he’s depressed, but AIBU to expect a little basic human kindness and emotional support?

Anyone?

It sounds awful. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all of this.

I guess it might be difficult for him to comfort you while he is also struggling so much. And he can't 'snap out' of his depression because you need support. But I can't believe he isn't able to even offer you a hug or an and squeeze as if to say "I know this is so hard, we'll get through this".

Is he having help for his depression? Have you told him you're at breaking point and asked how you (as a family) will cope if you are unable to function to the extent he currently is?

If he has severe depression, it can be that he's incapable of what you need from him - he's so numbed by it, he can't feel anything other than hopeless, helpless paralysis.

That doesn't mean you have to put up with it, though - whether it's an ultimatum to seek treatment, to look for alternative treatments if his medication is numbing him (known side effect), to leave so you aren't confronted by the silent, impassive weight of somebody not helping bear the load, that's up to you to decide.

That's the problem he's massively struggling so you have to step up now because of stepping up you are massively struggling but he doesn't have the reserves to support you. Can you get a sick note. Some time off work might help. Take a step back on house stuff, just do bare minimum for now. I found yoga and mindfulness helped a lot and also hypnotherapy.

I’m self employed so sick note won’t help to be honest. I’ll be without income and have grumpy impatient clients.

So is your DH having any help from a professional OP? I think that has a big bearing in how much we might be able to offer advice.

DH first - what is he doing to help with his depression - GP? medication? etc - has he referred himself to the local IAPT service?
Has he looked at any self help advice from appropriate sources such as your local mental health trust, MIND etc? unfortunately he has to help himself here and that may be uncomfortable and difficult.

Have you been to the GP for support with you mood? Can you write a list of everything that needs doing and then put it into workable chunks? Your husband needs a list too of things he can manage. What can you let go while you concentrate on work? Dust will still be there in the morning (for example) so leave it! Can you afford to outsource anything - cleaning, gardening etc?? Do you have children that can help around the house for pocket money.

You sound overwhelmed so write it down, prioritise work into realistic chunks - as you say you can’t do without the income. Use mindfulness and relaxation techniques (apps such as calm etc are good), to help calm your thoughts, seek help, and potentially talk to your manager or Occupational Health department.

Take care xx

Is he getting help? He has my sympathy if he is, but if he's just expecting you to carry everything without doing his best to recover that's selfish, and I say that as one who had severe depression in the past.

That’s what gets me - I had severe clinical depression in the past, but I was still a shoulder to cry on for friends who were struggling. I don’t want solutions just an ounce of sympathy!

He’s begrudgingly on antidepressants because he got to the point 18 months ago he was constantly shouting at me and kids and I gave him ultimatum. He thinks he’s better now and wants to come off them. He did a few weeks of therapy, but declared after 6 weeks that was enough, he had nothing more to talk about.

sorry didn’t see you were self employed so ignore manager/OH advice 😀

Antidepressants for 18 months but that’s it.

I would suggest then the antidepressants are not working and they need to be changed- you need an honest conversation about how you have seen no difference in his mood and how you want to see him enjoy things and have a life without depression!

He massively improved with the antidepressants- he’s no longer shouting and flipping out over every little thing like he was 18 months ago - his previous job had a massive effect on him mind. The boss was borderline sociaopath and very manipulative. It’s just like he has no emotions or empathy anymore.

Oh I wish I was employed right now 😭

That is tough.

I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I think both sides need to be considered. Also, people handle things differently.

What you are going through is absolutely difficult. Your feelings are valid. I am in no way trying to minimize your experience.

Is he getting help in anyway to manage his mental health?

As for an immediate solution. I don't think there is one. You decide what you want to allow in your life. Also, you are not responsible for his mental health. You are responsible for your own.

That's likely to be the antidepressants causing it, then. He's had the frustrations/anger/whatever squashed so much that he feels nothing at all, no joy, no happiness, no energy, no warmth, no empathy, no sadness, no anger - just nothing.

Just to share my own experience when depressed, which may help you, at least in not feeling that he doesn't care.

When extremely depressed and hugely anxious, I'll often appear completely emotionless and unbothered, while inside I'm in turmoil - I want to help those around me, but my brain is racing through a hundred ways of doing it, and then even if I work out what the right thing to do is (even just something simple like making a cup of tea or a hug), I'll then find my brain races thru or the ways I'll mess it up, or it'll go wrong or those around me don't even want my useless self trying to help. I then get fixed in this state of intrusive thinking and inertia where I do nothing, and the longer it goes on for, the more useless and guilty I feel.

On the outside, it looks like I'm apathetic or oblivious to what's going on around me, inside I feel a combination of guilt, helplessness, and self-hatred.

My wife and I have spoken about this (when I'm well) and one thing we do is if she needs a hug, she just hugs me - I know this sounds like a cop-out on my part, but it breaks the inertia and immobility and I always hug back and it's always enormously comforting for us both. I often find that I can then say "want a drink?", "want me to cook tea" or whatever is apt.

I also agree that he needs to try a different anti-depressant, sometimes one will only take you so far, or he could try an increase in dose?

I’m sorry you are going through a lot right now :(
it’s very lonely living with someone who has depression/anxiety. My husband suffers from both and I was the same as you, I really needed him to step up and help me mentally when our baby was born but unfortunately he couldn’t. No matter how much I cried and begged for mental help it just wasn’t able to come from him so I had to find other resources for help. Luckily I have sisters. Is there anyone else you can lean on right now?

Female depression: still look after the children, work, clean the house and cry alone at night.

Male depression: check out of responsibilities.

Sorry to rant but I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all OP because it is unfair that you can’t check out or become emotionally unavailable because of your depression but your DH can.

Sending you virtual hugs OP x

Can you buy in any support in the short-term?

Tbh I struggle to have too much sympathy for him. He can behave like this because you are there to shoulder the load. If you weren't, he'd have to motivate himself to do the basics otherwise social services would be involved.

You say he's been like this for years. Honestly you deserve more in your life. You can't fix him, he's not making any improvements and it sounds like he has limited self-awareness in terms of how intolerable the situation is for you.

I would focus on getting though the next few weeks - if you can spend some money, get a babysitter or mother's help type person in to help. Then I would have a long, hard think about how you want to live your life. You and your DC deserve to be happy, you are not simply props in your DH's life.

Is there some medical reason why many women with depression or other mental health issues are often still able to do chores, care for children and function within family life, while men with similar conditions aren't?

OP you say that your DH has suffered from depression for years, and that he's only had 18 months on antidepressants. Can I ask, how long you've been together, and how much of that time he's been suffering please? The reason I ask is that if he's been like this for the vast majority of your time together, then I would be asking how much more of your life you are prepared to spend acting as a prop for his life, while not enjoying your own.

I have suffered from depression since the ripe old age of 23, and am now in my 60's. For most of that time I have been on antidepressants and anticipate being on them for the rest of my life, as my depression is caused by a deficiency rather than life events. However, the tablets keep me on an even keel, and for the most part, other than life events which anyone would find stressful, I am fine and happy for the majority of the time, so I do understand long standing depression.

It sounds like you need to force your DH's hand again, and make him go back to the doctor. Another question here - did you go with him when he went previously? I found that by taking my DH with me, he would interject with things that I couldn't think to mention at the time, and ask questions that didn't occur to me, but if for any reason he couldn't come with me, I would write down all the things I wanted the GP to be aware of, so that they had the full picture. In your case, if you didn't go with him before, I would strongly recommend it, as you can also state how his depression is affecting you, in front of the GP, and perhaps this will also aid your DH in seeing things from your point of view, rather than just the hopeless vision of life that he has.

However, if he thinks he is better and refuses to seek further help, then I would refer you to my first paragraph about how much more of your life you want to waste on someone who clearly can't or won't help themselves. I should add here, that I have every sympathy for anyone who wants and asks for help, but for those who prefer to wallow, none at all I'm afraid. I really hope you can get him to seek further help, and that your own therapy helps you through this difficult time.