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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mums of young babies/toddlers, am I making a mistake?

19 replies

Wolajj · 07/10/2023 08:37

I have a 12 month old (birthday yesterday!). I am going back to work in two weeks for five days a week. DH in forces so I am basically alone for months at a time. Won’t see him now until Feb.

Will work give me the break I really need from dd? I am EXHAUSTED and bored and fed up of the constant nappy changes, constant need to attend to every need. I’m sure that makes me a bad mum but it’s where I’m at!

I work from home and plan to drop dd at nursery 8am and collect at 4:30. Will I feel more refreshed seeing her with this time apart do you think? I would rather not reduce my hours and I guess I’m hoping this will give me that change I need.

OP posts:

modgepodge · 07/10/2023 08:40

It gives you a break from the mundane stuff, sure, and if you love your job it might do just what you’re hoping.

Im not sure you’ll be any less exhausted though, baby will still wake in the night, wake up early, need dinner and bath time done and so on. Plus I felt a lot of guilt which I think is common (if unnecessary). And then the baby gets ill and you have to take time off and you feel guilty about work…

Im not saying don’t do it, just it may not be the magic bullet you’re hoping for.

DustyLee123 · 07/10/2023 08:40

Yes, I was so glad to go back to work.

Original poster

Wolajj · 07/10/2023 08:43

@modgepodge didnt even think of illness! I find when I’ve been out for the day it’s easier to cope when I get in as we’ve had a change of scenery. I was hoping it would be the same if at work all day but maybe I’m just buying more trouble…

OP posts:

Original poster

Wolajj · 07/10/2023 08:43

@DustyLee123 i love her so much but I am genuinely so bored and don’t even think I am entertaining her well anymore

OP posts:

FourStringsNoWaiting · 07/10/2023 08:45

You're not a bad mum and I'm exactly the same as you. I really do need that time away from my kids, even if it's for work

You do what's right for you

DustyLee123 · 07/10/2023 08:46

Wolajj · 07/10/2023 08:43

@DustyLee123 i love her so much but I am genuinely so bored and don’t even think I am entertaining her well anymore

Yes, they are very boring !
Nursery will tire her out, she doesn’t need a bath every day, so just do what needs doing. Maybe organise a home delivery for food, just out source all that you can.

DuploTrain · 07/10/2023 08:46

I work 4 days a week and I find I enjoy my time with DS so much more on our days together compared to when I was on maternity leave.

I do think 5 days is a lot for a baby to be in nursery though.. I feel like I don’t see my DS very much at all on nursery days - and he’s shattered when he gets home. 4 days works well for us, but I know some people can’t or just don’t want to work less.

The other issue for you is that you have zero child free time when you’re not working. Can you reduce your hours and have an afternoon at home without her once a week to catch up on housework, go to the supermarket without her, or just relax?

Cinai · 07/10/2023 08:47

Do what’s right for you and don’t let other people make you feel guilty!

CoconutSty · 07/10/2023 08:47

It depends on what your job is, tbh. For me being at work wasn't a real break because I was at someone else's beck and call, just not DS's! It was a change of scene and nice to have some adult conversations around the office, but I was still utterly exhausted and never got any downtime to myself at all. More exhausted, in some ways, because I was trying to do a good job at work on four hours of broken sleep.

Topsyturvy33 · 07/10/2023 08:49

I’m looking forward to going back to work in a few weeks time. Grateful I’ve had so much time of but it’s been really hard!

DC is my 3rd and I’m looking forward to spending some time in the house (wfh) on my own! Don’t feel bad to book the odd day off work to rest up or pick her up a little later if it just gives you time to breathe.

TheKeatingFive · 07/10/2023 08:51

I don't think any of us can answer these questions for you. You'll just have to try it and see.

For what it's worth, going back to work was a positive change for me with both kids.

storypushers · 07/10/2023 08:54

I would maybe even keep her in an extra hour which will mean she's probably had her tea and you can have an hour to yourself, even just once or twice a week.

wellingtonsandwaffles · 07/10/2023 08:55

I felt better for going to work but if you can build in half an hour buffer between drop off and starting work and finishing work and pick up it will do wonders for your mental health and how you face going back to “mum mode”, I often rush to finish a piece of work, leg it to nursery, am 2 mins late picking him up, and it’s all a bit stressful. If I can be discipline and factor in a buffer everyone is happier!

DesTeeny · 07/10/2023 08:59

CoconutSty · 07/10/2023 08:47

This, basically.

I'd struggle going back full time but that's because my job isn't particularly stress free or calm. I'm constantly on the go, needing to respond to emergencies, working in difficult or emotionally charged situations etc. so whilst it's a great change of pace and I'm glad for the adult conversation, full time would be a bit too much for me

You do what's right for you! Don't let anyone judge you, it's your decision and your child. 👍

Flipflopflopflip · 07/10/2023 08:59

I think it depends on your job whether this would really work out how you're thinking. Are you really going to feel refreshed after being at work all day and being the sole parent every morning, evening and night? Do you need to do 5 full days for financial reasons? I would wonder whether 4 or 5 shorter days would be a better balance. Nursery is great for children, my daughter went aged 1 too, but don't underestimate how hard it is on them too.

Cakeorchocolate · 07/10/2023 09:04

I went back to work when dd was 9.5mths. I worked 3 days a week but every minute I wasn't working I was with dd. I enjoyed my job but was still exhausted since the closest I got to time to myself was during my commute.

As much as I loved having so much time with her, and didn't want to be away from her, I think dd and I, even dh too, would have benefitted from me having some time without being responsible for work or dd. So I probably could have done with even half a day where she was cared for and I could have a little down time.

Totalwasteofpaper · 07/10/2023 09:10

I have an office job and honestly yes it was better.

I think it's just you are doing different things, so the task switching makes it easier.
Also I ramped up at the pace I wanted to and didn't try and "prove myself". The team already worked with me for years so knew what I could do....
And I commute via tube so 2 X 45mims of rative silence /down time.

Mariposista · 07/10/2023 09:34

Oh OP you won't even recognise yourself. I cried tears of sweet relief when I got back to work, cakes in hand to share with my colleagues. Get ready to dust off that suit (if you wear one), stimulate that brain, enjoy adult company, use your skills and intelligence, and above all set a glowing example to your child.
All the best with your return, it's going to be great!

Parker231 · 07/10/2023 09:39

I went back to work full time when DT’s were six months old. I wanted to continue with my career and we found an excellent local nursery (two of the staff became our babysitters).

I loved having a tidy house as DT’s were out most of the day, enjoying a cup of coffee in peace, doing phone calls without interruptions.
Try and get out of the house at lunchtime - go for a walk or meet a friend. Talking to adults all day was wonderful!

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