Why am I like this? Or is this just life for everyone?

[Omkkk]

I constantly worry about what people think. It’s odd as I do feel confident in my own decisions when nobody else has influenced me. But I’m also easily influenced when criticised or questioned. Ie by family who think they can do that. I always think people are laughing about me or talking about me behind my back. I live in a small place (recent move from a city) and I always think nobody likes me or people are judging me. It means I don’t speak much to people which makes me even more of an outsider if you see what I mean. I love socialising and meeting new people and this is where I don’t understand why I am this way? None of it makes sense. If I say no plans with family I feel horrendously guilty to the extent that I don’t actually enjoy the plans I had originally made. I live in an exhausted state. Is this normal for most people? Is it just life?

I don't feel like this, but from what friends say, and posts on here, I think there are many many people who do feel like this.

I don't know if it will help, but one of the most helpful things I ever heard was:

Everyone effectively lives in a small bubble which orbits their own head. Everyone is the centre of their own world.
This has the very useful side effect that people are most likely not judging you, talking about you, laughing at you or indeed even thinking about you at all - they're wrapped up in their own internal world and perceptions, which is also fine.

If some people do eventually turn out to be judging you, that's also ok - those are the people not to be friends with. There will be plenty of others who like you and accept you.

The more you let these thoughts control you and stop you going out and speaking to people/socialising, the scarier it will become, and your comfort zone decreases. If you can take some small steps towards meeting people and making conversations, it helps build your confidence and create a positive circle to build on, plus expanding your comfort zone so you'll be happier doing more things.

Good luck!

I feel like this. I assumed it was because of relationships early on in my life where people were very critical of me and told me basically all my opinions or thoughts were stupid so now I struggle to make decisions or voice what I actually think. I was also told that I wasn’t a likeable person so always doubt if people actually like me.

I know that these are insecurities caused by 2 arseholes, but it’s hard to get past.

Not normal — why are you centring other people? Maybe start by firmly preventing family members questioning you: ‘No, I’m not having any further discussion about X. I’ve made my decision.’ Has this got worse since you moved to somewhere small and (possibly) gossipy? Like you, I’d never struggled with friendships apart from a period of a few years living in a village. I made friends at work in the nearest city, but zilch where I lived, despite doing all the ‘right’ things — volunteering, joining stuff, going to the pub, having a child in preschool and then the village school.

And it turned out people were talking about me, judging me and disliking me. And you know what? That was not my problem. I was told years after I arrived that I’d been considered ‘snobby’ before I’d actually arrived, purely because I’d sent a text message to the organiser of the baby and toddler village hall group asking whether there was a session the next week (it was almost Christmas so not clear) and had used capital letters and a question mark, ie no text speak). That, and the fact that we were renting and had come from London, was enough to condemn me. That’s other people’s prejudices speaking. Not pleasant, but not my problem to solve. I wouldn’t want that type of person to think well of me.

Not normal.
I am 100% certain that no one is judging me. I am not that important.
Most people are thinking about the CoL or their own problems.

I used to be like this but I came to realise, I forget how, that very few people even noticed or cared about anything I said and did, or gave it a second thought. It was a liberating realisation as now, on the whole, I don’t give a fuck.

To answer your questions: is it common? Yes it is, if these boards are accurate. Is it normal? Who knows. I don't think "normal" is a relevant or helpful definition. It doesn't really matter whether its normal. If it doesn't work for you, you should try to change it.

@WrylyAmused puts it really well in the sense that you have control over how much you want to "centre" people's opinions in your own self-assessment.

I think a lot of people have a tendency to put too much emphasis on how other people see them. It's totally understandable as society spends a lot of time telling us how we should behave/look etc. But it can become a kind of pathology.

I have felt like this at various periods of my life and I've deliberately trained myself out of it because it's just a constant excuse to self-sabotage. Counselling helped me and it would probably help you, but it's basically getting out of the habit of giving people this power over you.

The thing that's important to remember is that people will think what they think of you and you have limited control over this so it's a waste of energy thinking too hard about how you can change this. It's also true that if you give off a sense of caring too much about how other people see you they will respect you less for it. This is why so many people pleasers struggle to make deep connections. Other people can smell their fear of rejection and they don't respect them. Far better to be strongly liked by the few people you really care about disliked by others than to be tolerated indifferently by a majority of people and not really make much of an impression.

I'm in my early 50s and, partly due to getting older and partly due to a conscious act of will, I no longer give a shit about what people think about me other than a few limited parameters. I care that people think I'm trustworthy, truthful, intelligent and hard-working. Beyond that I don't give a flying fuck. I couldn't give a rat's arse what they think of my hair or the way I dress or my political opinions, for example. And honestly, the less I care about people's opinions, the more other people seem to like me.

I used to be a lot like this but now don't really care what anyone thinks of me other than my partner and daughter.

I don't know what changed, maybe just age.