AIBU? My ex husband sees the children every other weekend, he charges me £40 a month petrol money (it only costs about half of that for the round trip). I have started a new job and have asked him to pick the children up on a Friday and drop them back on a Sunday only during term time. I have offered to do drop off and pick up during holidays.
Context, it's a long one:
My ex husband and I were together for about 10 years. We got married after 9 years and 8 months later I asked for a divorce. In those 10 years we never did anything together, we went on one holiday (that I booked) and we didn't have date nights or anything - yes seriously. We had a baby after 2 years when we were very young (22/23). We were both in the middle of our probation year of teaching when I gave birth and he ended up failing his probation (meaning he could NEVER teach unless in a private school -UK rules) but I passed my probation. He told me it was my fault he failed because he had to help me with our son and he had to help during some of the nights. I believed it was my fault and took on that guilt. I later found out that during the decade he failed 300,000 new teachers passed and just 130 individual people failed theirs. When you look at those figures you have to question the real reason he failed.
Toward the end it was just toxic on both ends. We didn't fight but there was just nothing there. In the last two years of our relationship I was on maternity so he became the breadwinner (yes I was the breadwinner the whole time and also taking our eldest son to nursery and picking him up every day). For the first year I still received some income but in the second year he was in complete control of our finances. I was never allowed to see any bank statements and if I ever asked how much money we had he would never give me a straight answer. (We never had a joint bank account) In the final year I found out he had borrowed £3k from his parents, taken out a £5k loan in my vulnerable mum's name (he does pay her monthly for this, there are still 2 years left) and stolen £2k of our wedding gift money. This was on top of a £7k loan we had taken out in my name a few years before. When I asked him where all this money went he told me I had spent it because I was always asking him for money. He would give me £400 a month which covered any bills that came out of my account and that was also all the food budget money for the whole month as I always did the weekly food shop. That was to cover a family of 4 and also included me buying new clothes or items for our two children.
During COVID I finally found sense and I told him I wanted a divorce, he didn't want to so I asked him to book us therapy. I said I'd work on it but he just needed to for once be proactive about something and prove to me it would be different this time. After 3 weeks of him not booking the therapy or even looking for it I realised nothing would ever change and it solidified by decision to divorce.
According to him it came out of the blue but I had mentioned many times how unhappy and alone I felt. I'd also (seriously) suggested separating twice before over the years. We have two children and especially during COVID he was still going to "work". Despite finishing "work" at 2:30 there were days he wouldn't get home until after 7pm after the children had gone to bed and the first thing he did as soon as he got home was go and use the bathroom for about 40min to an hour. Every, single, day. I was already raising them alone and they were the reason we were sticking together. We were just two people that had children together that lived together.
Anyway that was just over 3 years ago now. He moved back in with his parents. It's 14 miles away and depending on traffic about an hour's drive away. When we first separated he had the children every weekend. He would pick them up and bring them back as he took (there was no discussion) the car when we separated. After 6 months I got back on my feet and my family gifted my a second hand car, I would drop the children to his house on a Friday and he would bring them back. After a month my car broke so I started to take the children on the train and would drop them to him at his place of work on a Friday because I finished work early.
He was frequently 10-20 minutes late picking them up (he never told us, we just had to wait) on the Friday and we would often be waiting outside for him. This continued for 7 months until once I missed the train so I was 15 minutes late. I hadn't warned him and he was waiting in "his" car. When I arrived he was furious he'd had to wait and I hadn't told him. At that point he told me I had to pay for his petrol and started charging me £40 a month by taking it out of the child maintenance payments he had to pay me. He said it wasn't a change because I don't physically hand him any money. The petrol money was to cover him driving himself home from work on a Friday because the children were in the car and to bring them back on a Sunday. I worked it all out and at most the petrol was costing him about £20 a month max but whatever. He has been doing that since November 2021.
In November 2022 he asked me to have the children one weekend (just to point out there have been many times since the divorce that I've kept the children on a weekend) but on that particular weekend I already had plans so I couldn't. He then said that from 1st January 2023 he would only see them every other weekend but I had to tell the children. My eldest child is autistic so trying to explain to a 9 year old why suddenly he will only see dad every other weekend was tricky and it had a big impact. I told my son I wanted to spend more time with them and take them out on the weekends and he ended up blaming me and thinking I'd taken away the time from his dad. In the end his school and I arranged therapy for him to cope (yes it was that bad). I was still charged £40 a month petrol.
When he reduced his contact with the children the amount of child maintenance went up. He was paying half of the monthly repayment towards the £7k loan we had taken out in my name. The difference of the new amount of child matience was roughly the same as the loan repayment so he stopped paying the loan and continued to pay me the same amount as before. He now only underpays me child matience of about £10 a month which includes the £40 petrol money, if you factor in the loan he is underpaying me about £100 a month. He has never helped if there have been additional costs in a month like buying school uniform, he just pays what he legally has to pay and that is it. But yes he is almost paying what he legally has to pay and a lot of women don't get that I guess. You'll see in the messages below that he has tried to gaslight me about how much he should pay but he is underpaying me, he also won't tell me his real salary and has a second job on the side so he is significantly underpaying me but I just am so worn out with him I can't be bothered.
In Sep I stared a new job, and I work late now on a Friday. I told him in July that I wouldn't be able to bring the children to his work on a Friday anymore and asked if he could pick them up. He told me I would have to bring them after work on the train to his house but still give them dinner like I always have on a Friday. Meaning I would finish work at 5, pick them up from club, get home around 5:45 cook and give them dinner than the take them on a 1.5 hour underground train journey at about 7-8pm. Remember my eldest is autistic and HATES underground trains and people. I said no, he had to pick them up because he finishes work at 2:30. I said I could still arrange dinner for them but I wasn't taking them on the train to his house after work. He accused me of keeping his children away from him and threatened to take me to court.
After 3 years of him constantly being difficult and blowing up on everything I've just had enough. He sees the children 4 nights a month, I don't have a car. I have asked him to pick them up on a Friday and drop them back on a Sunday, twice a month and he still takes £40 petrol money. He asked me to pick the children up this Sunday but I haven't had a single weekend at all this month because my eldest didn't want to go last time. I have so much to catch up on this weekend so I said I couldn't pick them up on Sunday but I could pick them up and drop them off during holiday times. After 3 years on having to walk on egg shells around him I have had enough and just put my foot down. The conversation was messy as you can see in the images.
So after all that, in all honesty. AIBU in asking him to to the pick up and drop off twice a month when he is already charging me petrol money for it and I do 75% of the childcare.