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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Holiday with a male friend when married

15 replies

IcaMorgan · 07/10/2023 01:53

I need to know who is in the wrong here. Whatever the answer I will accept it.

My husband and myself met a couple during Covid. We both got on really well with both of them.

Just over a year ago I bumped into the male of the couple after a football match, turns out we both support the same team and had been to the same match. A few weeks later I got let down by someone going with me to a match so my husband agreed to go (he hates football). At that match I bumped into the guy from the couple and he told me she had ended it a couple of weeks before.

We became good friends and he became my carer at the matches. All 3 of us started meeting up in the pub on a regular basis and we all went on holiday together in the summer with another female friend.

My husband has been away a few times on his own so I am “owed” a week away without him. A few things have happened recently that made me feel I need those few days. I was saying to our friend about it and he said if I needed someone to go with me and he could get the time off work he would go with me if necessary. I looked into places I could afford to go and spoke to my husband about it , in the same conversation I said about our friend going as well. (Obviously separate bedrooms but in an apartment rather than separate rooms which would be more than double the cost.). My husband said that was fine. A few days later I booked and paid for the hotel and travel on a non refundable basis

My husband has now apparently spoken to friends and decided it’s wrong that I go away with another man in case he loses face in front of his friends/family. I have been told I am allowed to go but neither of us is allowed to tag the other on Facebook etc. I have agreed to this with no problem.

My husband has now made our friend feel uncomfortable about it all even though he agreed to everything before it was booked (I was prepared to go alone if my husband didn’t want our friend to go).

Who is in the wrong (if either is)?

No matter the response the holiday is going ahead as i cant afford to lose that much money and neither can our friend but I would still like opinions

The holiday is a mon-fri holiday in a European country that is not associated as a romantic destination (neither myself nor my friend would ever fancy each other so there could never be anything romantic between us)

So, is my husband wrong or am I?

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 07/10/2023 02:01

I'm not sure right or wrong is the thing here. It sounds like he was okay, but has been influenced by other people's opinions, which isn't unusual in life.

Your husband trusts you, but peer pressure had gotten to him.

He shouldn't be making your friend feel uncomfortable having previously agreed to it. He should have tilt his mates, that he knows the guy and he is fine with it.

RedToothBrush · 07/10/2023 02:03

Either your husband trusts you or he doesn't.

If he's got a problem with 'losing face' then he's a big baby and he's letting you down after saying he was fine with it.

He's pathetic for being more concerned about what friends say than how it will affect you. I feel for you mate cos your husband has a penis inadequacy complex - you've done nothing wrong.

Id be livid in your shoes, to have an issue at this stage. He doesn't own you and should stop acting like he needs to pretend he does too

(I say this having 'allowed' DH to go on holiday with female friends without me. I have been aware on my own before too).

EndersGame · 07/10/2023 02:12

Sounds like hubby is succumbing to peer pressure from other blokes. He is in the wrong and needs some better friends.

Sometimeswinning · 07/10/2023 02:13

How would you have reacted if he had said no immediately? Maybe he said yes before he had time to think about another man in his place. I would feel a bit strange if dh was so desperate not to go away with me he would choose another woman.

Original poster

IcaMorgan · 07/10/2023 02:15

My husband has listened to his friends/ colleagues and they convinced him by using his daughter and what she would think about it

I would have no problem with him going away with any of our female friends without me.

He has said he fully trusts me which is why I don’t understand what the problem is

Even if our friend fancied me (which he doesn’t) then surely the fact I wouldn’t do anything should be enough if he trusts me?

OP posts:

Original poster

IcaMorgan · 07/10/2023 02:23

@Sometimeswinning if he had said no immediately I would have gone alone. I didn’t book it for a few days after I spoke to him about it so he had time to change his mind

It’s not about being desperate to go away without him but needing a few days away from the stress he’s put me under recently .

I would have no problem at all if it was the other way round

OP posts:

builtin · 07/10/2023 02:26

I wouldn't have considered going away with just a male friend tbh (I would be fine in a group situation with other men and women). It wouldn't feel comfortable to me. And I wouldn't have been happy with DH going away with a female friend. I wouldn't have considered arranging a holiday like that - I would have just gone on my own and planned it that way.

It sounds like your DH isn't going to try to stop you from going anyway, so I'd go ahead for this holiday as it's booked.

Wheresmemum · 07/10/2023 04:43

I don't think this is about trusting you but more about respecting each other's limits and boundaries. By going away with your male friend you are giving the message you don't care what effect it is going to have on your husband and your relationship, because it will have an effect. How would you feel if the tables were turned and your husband was going away with a female friend, just the two of them? You might say to him that it's perfectly fine and that you trust him 100 percent, but what would you really be feeling inside? What would you be thinking and feeling whilst he's away enjoying himself with the female friend? All this would have an effect on your relationship, we're all human at the end of the day.

cariadlet · 07/10/2023 05:17

My DP went to a friend's wedding abroad once. It was a long haul destination and I didn't go with him.

He was away for a couple of weeks and while he was gone, I went on a UK city break for a couple of days with a male friend.

DP knows and gets on with my male friend, trusts me and I don't think it even occurred to him to suggest that I didn't go. I always find it very odd when someone's DP, DH or DW objects to them spending time with a friend of the opposite sex.

ShippingNews · 07/10/2023 05:27

I would have no problem at all if it was the other way round

Really ? I certainly wouldn't be OK with it.
Maybe that's just me, but to me if you've got a husband you wouldn't even think about going on holiday with another man.

I know it's MN lore that women and men can have opposite sex friends, do all sorts with them, nobody gets jealous etc. But in real life I've found that being married sort of means that you don't want to have holidays with other men. You want have them with your husband .

You've obviously decided that you are in the right, that your husband is being pressured to be unhappy about it , and that you're going to do it whether he likes it or not. Off you go then !

olympicsrock · 07/10/2023 05:54

Honestly - I would be concerned that romantic feelings might develop through close friendship and shared experience of the holiday putting your marriage at risk.
It might be fine but you are encouraging trouble. Not a great idea in my opinion.

Tohaveandtohold · 07/10/2023 05:57

I wouldn’t like this particular scenario if it was DH going away with just a female friend and we have lots of trusted female mutual friends we’ve known since childhood, not just one met during covid.

If you and the friend was going on holiday to the same country you’re travelling to now to watch a match/tournament relating to the football club you support and will be staying there for some days and in the same apartment but different rooms then that would have been fine with me (the other way round as well).

The thing with this scenario is that as you said, you’re due an alone time away from your husband as he’s done similar so you booked a 5 day holiday but in this case, with a male friend instead, this will make it seem like you prefer his company to that of your husband as that’s not the alone time you wanted any more, it just changes everything.
If it was my dh, to me it’ll feel like he’ll rather be in someone else’s company but I would have said no from the start, especially with a friend we only met as part of a couple 4 years ago who is now recently single. I have nothing against single people but it’ll be different if it’s a childhood female friend for example.
Now that you’ve booked the trip, him now saying no is sort of dicey unless he wants to refund you for the trip or maybe refund the friend and you go on your alone trip as expected initially.

Uggtrending · 07/10/2023 06:01

Husband friends aside and changing his mind.

OP you know this isn't right. Does your DH holiday with female friends? It's not appropriate it wouldn't take much for this "friend" to make a pass at you or vice versa. Thin ice....

Mummy08m · 07/10/2023 06:10

You mentioned your friend is your carer at the matches - you don't have to answer this obviously but I wonder if you need physical care on an overnight stay. I'd feel a bit uncomfortable if my dh needed physical care and was getting it from a female friend (rather than me, or a professional, or relative etc). It just feels so intimate.

Also...I'm going to sound like a raging nympho too when I say I'd find it hard to spend nights away alone with a likable male friend without at least thinking about him being in the next room. Why put yourself in temptation's way?! I don't think I'm in the minority on this either, although few people would admit it.

amylou8 · 07/10/2023 06:12

This wouldn't be appropriate in my marriage. I wouldn't go away for a week with a male friend, the fact that yours is recently single compounds the situation. If DH wanted to spend a week away with a woman that wasn't me it would end our relationship.
It sounds like this has crossed your husbands line too, although he was wrong to initially agree and you've now spent money on the trip.

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