Partner's work "friend"

[LotusPetals]

Hi all,

There's this woman my partner of two years works with, who he befriended at a work conference earlier this year.

Upon first meeting her, other colleagues and even his boss warned him to keep her at arms length, as she's been known to cause a bit of drama and trouble (apparently, she's the type to hook up with/have a fling with fellow male colleagues in order to further progress her career, and has even lied and said some of them have assaulted her after her advances had been rejected) anyway, according to my partner, she had been a bit too "friendly" with him in the past and I've also advised him to watch her closely because of this, and that if she tries anything, his best bet would be to cease contact with her- he's had to keep his distance at points, but recently, they attended the same conference together where he had to comfort and console her because she had just found out that the guy she was currently having a fling with, is in fact engaged. Of course, if she really didn't know he was already involved, then I feel bad for her, but have a sneaking suspicion she knew this already and was hoping he'd leave his fiancee for her or something, just from what I've heard about her, and recent events involving my partner, which I will explain below.

Apparently, she and her friends even questioned my partner on how he could be so committed to me and how he hasn't thought about cheating on me/hasn't cheated on me already (this alone was enough to shock me and make me feel disrespected, because why on Earth do they think they have the right to question my partner and our relationship in the first place?) Then he also disclosed to me, that a few days ago, she asked him to go with her to her brother's wedding, which would've been today, and is quite a way away from where my partner lives. He obviously said no, because even he thought it was a weird request and crossing a boundary or like she wanted to see if she could conquer him and get him in bed (his words) and I'm thankful he did that, but then I told him that he now needed to cut this woman off, unless it was for work, as it looks like she is trying to push the boundaries of their friendship and overstep with little regard, which is very disrespectful to me and our relationship, and I don't want him to potentially end up being another one of her male victims who loses his career by her lies.

At first, he couldn't see my point, and didn't want to purge her socially because he believes she is his "friend" (I say "friend" because someone who really is your friend wouldn't act the way she has, in my opinion) which upset me, despite me already outlining that this whole situation has made me uncomfortable, including her comments on his fidelity, the fact we'd spoken about this before and that if it came to it, he'd need to cut his losses, and that I'd feel completely disrespected if he were to continue on this path and allowing her the chance to try something a little shady again, even if he continues to shut her down (forgot to mention, I'm also 35 weeks pregnant with our little one, and this woman knows this) and that I also don't want her trying it on with him, and then trying to ruin his career for rejecting her.

He eventually understood and agreed to remove her off of all social media platforms and just to keep a professional relationship with her, but I could sense a tiny bit of begrudging. My question is, am I being unreasonable for telling him he can't continue to be socially involved with her, based on my reasonings/her behaviour, as his reaction wasn't what I was expecting at first, and would you be worried or feel the same if it were your partners response in the same or similar situation, or if you'd feel the same as me if someone had acted this way with your partner?

I guess I also needed to get this off my chest as I have never experienced something like this before, and am usually a confident woman, but right now I'm at my most vulnerable, quite hormonal, and I just feel so dirty, upset and disrespected by these events from her actions and his response, not only on my behalf, but also the behalf of our unborn baby - add the fact that if I hadn't raised a somewhat related issue, it's likely he would never have told me about this, unless maybe something similar happened again?
Now I'm not only fuming with her, but also questioning my partner a little bit? Not in a "is he cheating kinda way?" because I don't believe he is, but more of a "what are his true intentions/motivations kinda way?" as he has also disclosed to me in the past that he finds it quite flattering and ego boosting if women flirt with him, even though he says he'll happily turn them down and let them know he's not available. I'm starting to wonder a little if he's just really friendly and naive, or if there's potentially a little something more there, if you know what I mean?

I'm so very sorry this is very long winded, and if this seems a bit over the place, or I seem crazy, it's late, and on top of being tired and heavily pregnant, I'm also unwell, so am a bit all over the place and struggling to understand what's rational and what's not at the moment 😅 I also have trouble articulating sometimes. If you managed to make it to the end, thank you so much.

Yep! He sounds very immature and attention seeking.

A mature professional man would run a mile from a situation like this (if any of what he says is true) so you have to ask yourself why DP is engaging. Could it be that he gets to keep you on your toes?

He shouldn’t need you to tell him this relationship is unacceptable. If he can’t work it out for himself I would lose all respect for him.

I would normally say dump him, but you are heavily pregnant so you may want to try to salvage something. I am not sure men like him change though.

Another innocent man being led astray! The blame isn't entirely at the woman's feet here.

@ShadowsontheHill sorry, "had to" was the wrong term to use, I should've said that he chose to, and my only source is him.

Who told you that she was questioning why he would never cheat? Why would he want to be friends with someone like that? Why would he tell you about it?

This sounds like he is messing with your head a bit. She asked him to a wedding, which may be inappropriate if they're not very close friends. He said no because he thought she would try and sleep with him. But yet still wants to be friends with her? Either he is messing with her and giving her mixed signals, that they are so close that they will attend weddings together, and he enjoys stringing her along. Or she is genuinely after him, and he isn't shutting it down quickly enough. And then telling you about it.

@GRex sorry, should have mentioned when I posted, but everything said about her has come from him, and I took his word for it because in my mind, I have no reason not to believe him, so never really questioned if what he was saying was the full truth or not, it just never crossed my mind, as stated before, I don't believe he has any interest in this woman particularly or that he's cheating with her or anything. The only thing that raised my eyebrow was what he had disclosed to me in the past about feeling flattered if women flirted. I obviously mentioned to him that that didn't sit right with me, but again, he said he let's them know he's not available, so had no reason not to trust him in that sense.

I'm so sorry OP, but hopefully you can see from other comments how it's much more likely than not that he has made up stories, and he's laying the groundwork to cover an affair he would at least like to start if he hasn't already. You are not going to change this man and would be better off alone. Do you have any good friends or family you can talk to?

He's either sleeping with her, or wants to. It's basically 101 they all say the same stuff!

I somewhat agree, however, the place he works for is a UK wide network/workplace, I'm not really allowed to say what he does, I don't think, but because it is a very large workplace with political links, it doesn't seem all that unlikely that a few men could've lost careers if what my partner said about her is true.

As for the comments about not cheating etc, I suppose I didn't really think much of it, just that it was an inappropriate thing to say, and while I'm only going by what my partner has said, nothing he has done in particular has made me question his words, just the bit about getting an ego boost, which I obviously said to him at the time I was not something I'm comfortable with.

As far as the baby is concerned, he seems quite excited to be a father and keeps saying he can't wait for the baby to be here and says he can't help but tell everyone he's having a little one.

@TammyJones I'm right here, just been reading the replies and trying to respond to them. I can assure you, the situation is very real, and so am I.

As someone who suffered sexual harassment at work, and then was slut-shamed for being sexually harassed, my eyes glazed over at the second hand misogyny reading this. So I can’t be objective on this one - too scarred by sexism.

Congratulations on your baby though.

Fiction- Sexy office temptress finds your Big Stud of a partner sooo irresistible that she starts sticking those claws in. He’s obviously a Good Guy so he’s going to put her off but she may well work her dark magic with him, like she has all the other poor males, and end up using him for her own whims.

Reality- Young, attractive and friendly co-worker shows your partner some attention, be it platonic or otherwise. Your partner laps this up thinking he is the Big I Am. He needs to make sure that if anything happens, it’s definitely not his fault- so he lays down the groundwork to show what a Big Massive Slut this woman is and when it all comes out in the wash, he will be absolved of all responsibility. Because he did warn you, didn’t he?

I’m not entirely sure from your post, if all this information and opinion on his and her friendship is entirely coming from what your husband has said?

or have you been told things about the women and their relationship from others?

the reason I ask is that if it’s entirely coming from him, get out of relationship now. He’s doing a good job of gaslighting, irrespective of how much is true. Any bloke that tells his wife, his pregnant wife, that he’s being pursued sexually and “ help me it’s not my fault” , is highly toxic, even if he doesn’t set out to be. He is making you responsible for his behaviour by forcing you to be one who tells him to take control of his own relationships . He is effectively forcing you to “ forbid” him by drip feeding a narrative full of stuff that will make anyone’s confidence and self esteem shake or even shatter, or he will continue in this relationship all the way to sex and then imply “ but I warned you, why didn’t you stop me”

He’s a man who is behaving like a child…” I can’t control what’s being done to me, poor me, it’s not my fault”

This is spot on!

If (and it’s a big if) this woman is what he claims she is (and has indeed ended the career of others) what on earth is he doing giving her the time of day?? Surely if he had 2 brain cells to run together he would run a mile and be keeping his distance and being purely professional, but he’s not is he….instead he’s entered in to some sort of friendship with her, so much so that she invited him to her brothers wedding. She clearly felt the relationship was on a level close enough that she felt able to extend this invitation. Then he’s come home to you like butter wouldn’t melt and proudly told you how he turned her down, and you’re supposed to be what???….all grateful about how loyal he is to you, and how big of him it was to let her down gently and how great he is! F that!!!

I doubt very much that this poor women is the evil temptress he’s suggesting, in fact if you think about it, it’s really rather unlikely. What is clear though is that he is more friendly with her than he is telling you, and in reality I think he is lapping up and encouraging the attention he’s getting from her. It’s comes off as triangulation what he’s doing, he’s got her at work to flirt with and massage his ego and then he’s coming home to you telling you what a good boy he’s been and how he’s politely brushed off her advances which is supposed to make you both jealous and grateful to him for turning her down and choosing you….because he’s enjoying giving you the reminder that she wants him…and he could have her if he wanted….how fucking lovely for you!

The reticence you feel from him about ending his friendship with her is there….he’s enjoying it too much, from both sides! That says a lot about him, none of it good!

So sorry OP 💐

somewhat agree, however, the place he works for is a UK wide network/workplace, I'm not really allowed to say what he does, I don't think, but because it is a very large workplace with political links, it doesn't seem all that unlikely that a few men could've lost careers if what my partner said about her is true
I've no doubt that in the event of a false allegation someone might lose their job.

I do doubt that someone who is apparently known as the office temptress and discussed between men would routinely be making false allegations and ruining men's careers because the good guys turned down her unwanted advances.

She might be a bit of a flirt, and if she's openly flirting with people who are in relationships then her own conduct is poor in my opinion.

What gets my spidey senses on edge is that in light of his assessment that she (IIRC):

• is known for seeking intimate relationships to advance her career
• seems to have no issue pursuing men in relationships
• has very few boundaries
• she sits around with friends fawning over taken men
• apparently gets into conversations where she can't believe the good men haven't cheated
• she's invited him as her guest to a wedding

He even wanted to maintain a "friendship", let alone relay all this information to his pregnant wife (who he's already told he loves leading women on, having an ego boost, but obviously shuts down all the women who throw themselves at him).

I could believe that someone in a workplace might pursue a man in a relationship.
I don't believe that this woman is as she's presented by him.

I'm so sorry to hear that your DH is playing this game with you OP. Unfortunately in my experience, when a woman is heavily pregnant, her relationship is at it's most vulnerable. Unless you're one of those very lucky people who really do look stunning during pregnancy, have gained very little weight, and are still wanting an active sex life, most men who are offered it on a plate from another woman at this point will jump at the chance. It sounds very much like he is suffering from mentionitis, and is enjoying telling you all this, as it's a way of being able to talk about her, and think about her even when he's with you. You might be lucky and get through this without him actually having a full blown affair with her, but from everything you've told us, I very much doubt it, and while naturally the last thing you want when expecting your first baby, is the chaos and upset of a relationship breakdown, I do think that you need to keep a VERY close eye on what he's up to.

This!! With bells on. Sorry OP

OP perhaps you could watch Fatal Attraction again, play the aria from Madame Butterfly whenever your hapless partner begins his self justified monologue, practise eye rolling, have a running away fund/plan, good luck with the baby, xx

Do you live together?

Thank you all for the replies so far, I appreciate your comments and you for taking the time out of your day to do so.

To add to my post, my partner doesn't work in a usual office or firm, his work extends the whole of the UK and employs hundreds of thousands of people, some of the very highest influence and power in the country, where it is not uncommon or unheard of for people to get involved through affairs in order to progress their careers, or even have their careers ruined, whether it be through affairs or blackmail and the like, especially with it being such a competitive field in more than just a handful of job roles (also to add, my partner took this job because he is passionate about it and it pays good, but he's not so fond of most of the people or the greasiness of the work environment, so in that sense, he can't avoid a few slimy people, these are people he is contracted to work with, all he can do is try and keep them at bay as much as possible) so it isn't too implausible to take my partner at his word, and for him to take the word of others he works with etc. That being said, I don't know the woman or the people she works with, except for my partner. It's much more of a fine line. I do want to stress though, that my partner isn't spreading any rumours around about her, nor has he said he fully believes what he has been told about her, he's more just saying what he's been told by other people who are close to her/have worked with her and that they've cautioned him to be careful, and I am also erring on the side of caution with this too, as have yet to see any real proof, aside from the affair with an engaged man and her supposed comments about my partner not cheating. I am also well aware of the fact that slut shaming and misogyny does exist, but know my partner is definitely not misogynistic in the slightest, as a woman myself, it'd be ridiculous of me to be involved with someone like that, let alone tie myself to them with a baby! I realise my OP makes it come across that way, and probably should have said he's never been completely disrespectful to me, he's actually been really, really good to me, there have just been a few hiccups in the road, the same with all relationships, though I will admit, this one is a bit of a big one. I just didn't mention this because it never occurred to me that I'd need to. Likewise I also know sexual harassment/abuse is very real, so I'm taking those allegations with a pinch of salt, at the same time, if they are true, it needs to be dealt with, and vice versa. Unfortunately there is nothing I can do about a he said, she said situation, and matters such as that are better left to her, any individuals involved and her employer. Also, this isn't something that has just suddenly come about, he met her earlier in the year, and has seen her sparingly since, just for a handful of work purposes. Also to add, they're not close friends, they barely talk, except for when working together, so that's what made the wedding invitation even more sketchy on her behalf. He also doesn't mention her a lot at all, so it's unlikely she's on his mind and they're secretly up to something. As I've said, nothing he's said or done regarding her has made me question his fidelity. Considering she has made passes at an unavailable man before, I don't believe my partner is fully the one to blame here. At most, based on what I've got, all I can fault him for is not setting his boundaries up and being wiser sooner, and he has agreed.

I've just spoken with him about it again, (thanks to your responses, I realised there was still more that needed to be said and asked) and raised some of your points to him, which he is in agreement with too, such as he should've known to cut it off earlier etc. However, he was raised to see the best in people (which I know to be true because his mum is very much the same, and my own family are more leaning towards the too naive and friendly stance on his behalf) and had trouble knowing when to cut it off and how to navigate it, or if he should have told me about her behaviour earlier or not. As for the ego boost thing, he's just told me he was more referring to his uni days, as he hadn't experienced girls making moves on him before, much like how he hasn't experienced inappropriate relationships before, but has assured me that I'm the only one he is seeking attention from and that the attention from me is all he needs (as it should be!)

He has acknowledged that in the case of this work friend, he needs to not be so naive and take people at face value and just stay away if he comes across something similar again, especially if he gets the feeling something is off about them, as he did with her, even more so considering he knows what kind of work environment he has around him, probably should also say he's only been in this job since the start of the year, just before he met this woman, it's not as if he's been working in this environment for an awfully long time, but he should know what to expect by now. He has told me that it was just a lack of experiencing something like this before and a lack of judgment on his part, so if this happens again with anyone else, I will obviously be re evaluating our relationship, since he won't be able to claim he hadn't had the experience! I may or may not be overly trusting sometimes, but I wasn't born yesterday, and I do know my own worth!

I know based on some of the replies, I may get people thinking I am being naive myself by trusting his word, but please understand that I appreciate you mean well, I just don't feel I have enough of a reason to not trust his word at the moment, and with that alone, I don't think it justifies me leaving him or breaking up our family as of right now. It would be different if his actions didn't match his words, but so far they have, i.e. He didn't accept her invitation to the wedding, and he has removed her from all social platforms, and is agreeing to just keep it professional with her, and if she asks why, he says he will tell her he feels their acquaintance/friendship has become a little inappropriate and does not wish to cross any boundaries any further, and keep it that way. As I said above though, if I find myself in this situation again, with her or anyone else, it will be off to the bin with him! Pleading ignorance only gets you so far.

Once again, thanks for helping me out and providing some reassurance that I'm not just being hormonal or unreasonable etc (probably should also say my partner never accused me of being so, that was purely my own response to his slightly begrudging response at first, which I think I sort of explained in my original post.) Hope you all enjoy your weekends!

it doesn't seem all that unlikely that a few men could've lost careers if what my partner said about her is true.
and calling him naive, whilst he plays the poor wee me, is once again laying the blame at her feet

and possibly the film Disclsure also Michael Douglas, with Demi Moore
as the seductress colleague, spurned by him, then out to discredit him -

apologies x

"Considering she has made passes at an unavailable man before, I don't believe my partner is fully the one to blame here."

You don't know this for sure though. She may never have made passes at men. I say this because I had a similar situation at work where I turned down a man who was obsessed with me/ stalking me - he then went round telling the entire office how I came into him and he had to turn me down, it was so hard for him.

No one believed him, as they knew how creepy he was to me. But it was moriftying, and his wife believed him.

Men behave like this all the time, I'd never led a man on, men just say this when a woman turns them down and they get annoyed. It's misogynistic and awful.