To ask this of my husband?

[Fuzzyduck31]

Husband works hard and I no longer have to work, instead have given up career to become a SAHM looking after 2 y/o DS and 4 y/o DD. This means getting up with both kids (normally 5am onwards because 2 year old..) every day 7 days a week, doing breakfast lunch and dinner for them both as well as organising playgroups, cleaning house, etc.
DH gets up whenever he feels like it as he is the boss of his company. Goes into work whatever time suits. He doesn't put the milk back in the fridge, because "he works". His dirty pants are on the floor of the downstairs loo every day, because this is apparently my job.
Plus points are he cooks us dinner because he refuses to put our DD to bed as I'm "better at reading stories" (14 hours into my childcare shift) so he cooks dinner - (this is only because he refuses to eat the dinner I have already made the kids).
AIBU to resent this whole setup? He doesn't go out with his friends or family so thinks he's a great partner/parent as he is at home (albeit the hours the kids or he is in bed). What do I do to tackle this? I have brought it up so many times and just fighting a losing battle where I'm not sure if he doesn't see it or is just completely defensive.

He’s treating you like a skivvy. Does he really think paid employment makes him too important to pick up his own fucking pants? Grim.

I doubt there’s anything you can do to make him change because he doesn’t want to and has no reason to. You’ve asked and he doesn’t care.

I'd go back to work - regain your financial independence - then if he still won't pull his weight, you can leave him without being cash-strapped.

I'd go back to work too.

He's opting out of family life.

This is couples counseling level input needed.

It won't get better, trust me. He won't change so you either continue to live like this for the next twenty years or you change your situation by yourself.

Personally I would go back to work. Tell your DH he needs to do 50% of the chores or pay for a cleaner (fingers crossed he does this but he might not), and then once youngest is in school and you have enough savings for deposit/rent, you leave.

Also get a box. Put all his rubbish, dirty clothes etc in it and place it next to his bed. Don't wash his clothes unless they are in the laundry basket (or just don't do it at all).

And triple up on your contraception since I assume he must have a golden cock.

Go back to work. Arrange a schedule to share responsibilities. Please God, you’ll have to do a couple of late evenings, so the children will need daddy to put them to bed!

I'd go back to work. Part time at least. A man who isn't interested in being involved at all with his partner and kids is not really marriage material.

“He doesn’t go out with his friends…” - I’d be amazed if he had any with that attitude! Unless that is only extended to you and he has a fake nice persona for others.

I would not be picking up his pants!

Honestly I'd divorce over this, it's appalling behaviour and he clearly doesn't respect or care for you, just sees you as a maid. I would be out of there. There's no fixing this.

Stop picking up his pants!

Go back to work. Pronto. Leave. Then divorce him.
You can't argue with an entitled misogynist like this.

Sorry no real advice but I would think twice about going back to work. You may be left doing everything plus working outside the home. Trust me, it's exhausting! This is my current set up because I "only" work 25 hrs as opposed to full time.

Go back to work. Stop picking up his pants. Go out (at least) one evening a week so he has to do bedtime. If he can't adjust and step up then you can leave him because you can afford it.

Oh and tell him feeling respected and having a partner who pulls their weight in housework and childcare is sexy and you now consider that an essential part of foreplay and stop putting out

This might be a daft suggestion, but would he be willing to look at/follow some male instagrammers who explain this really well/logically? He may still disagree, but sometimes men accept things more easily from other men, however wrong that may be.

Sometimes people really don’t ‘get it’ until it’s explained to them. Even some women I know believe that men shouldn’t have to lift a finger ‘because they work’ and some of my friends do 70%+ of the domestic workload despite the fact that they also work, so it’s obviously a common problem.

Go back to work.

Your husband is a manipulative misogynist

She needs to get her own money/life

This one is not a keeper

Ducks in a row time.

Get a job.

See a solicitor

Leave his pants where he dumped them

I’m further into this scenario, kids now 4 and 7. I work/am “co director” of DH’s business after my redundancy and am also the SAHM/wrap around childcare (so not feeling like I have a ‘real’ job; yet work enough to not have time to do SAHM chores properly.)
As PP’s said, I’d advise to get a “real” job.

It’s shit, as in an ideal world he has flexibility and you can save on childcare and take up household stuff/have quality time in their early years.

In reality, you lose all power and he loses respect for you (unfairly as there are easier jobs out there !) and you have no agency about anything.
Its outrageous but the business excuses everything for my DH -the only time he really steps up is if I get a temp job and am non negotiably out the house for X hours.

Its really killed our marriage. And easier said than done to change; but I wish i’d not let our dynamic go on like this so long.

YANBU

Your husband lacks any respect toward you. He's treating you as his live-in maid.

He's not a real husband, real Dad, or a real man.

He needs to take a good hard look at himself, and if he can't buck his ideas up and start parenting his children and not being disrespectful towards his wife and his home, then he can go do one.

Your husband should be ashamed of himself. Disgusting man.