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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or are school?

18 replies

Pineapple5678 · 06/10/2023 19:03

I need some perspective.
My son is 12 and in secondary school.
This week a boy from his year started picking on him, saying that last year something of his friends was broken and he owed him the money for it. My son mostly ignored him apart from the odd I don't know what you are tAlking about.

On Monday boy following him home and kept pushing and tripping him up, he fell to the floor twice and had to be picked up by his friend. He was verbally abused and the boy taunted him for shaking and liking scared. My son kept his head down and try to get home as quickly as possible. He was eventually pushed against a lamppost and boy stood in front of him. My son pushed him to get away and the boy punched him in the face and went to do it again. At this point my son punched back and then ran home.

He didn't tell me what had happened but at the school the next day the boy had gathered a group of older boys and was looking for him so he went to the safeguarding team. They called me, we collected him and they reassured us they would investigate and get back to me.

Yesterday they call to say that statements have been taken and my son's version of events are correct and boy sanctioned. I thanked them.

They then went on to say that obviously my son would also have to go into isolation as he hit back and they have zero tolerance for physical violent.

I was shocked and said I didn't understand he only acted in self defence, didn't look for a fight, tried his hardest to get out of the situation etc and how will this encourage him to come forward in future. He is the victim as far as I am concerned.

I write an email outlining my concerns after the phone call and have had a reply from deputy head confirming their position. It's school policy and should be a suspension but they have downgraded.

I think he should not be punished.
AiBU or are the school ?

OP posts:

Changethetoner · 06/10/2023 19:13

In this case you need to be on the same page as the school. Let him do the sanction their policy says. If you want them to follow their anti-bullying and violent conduct policies, you need to support them in this. (yes it was self-defence, but life isn't fair). Back the school on this.

NotReadyForAutumnYet · 06/10/2023 19:50

The boy had no choice? It was his only option, other than just getting hit! Ask the school what they would suggest in that situation.

Dramatic · 06/10/2023 19:52

Usually I'd say side with the school but in this situation I'd refuse to let them sanction your son. It sends an awful message to both him and the bully.

RingALingADingDong · 06/10/2023 19:57

Do not back the school on this, escalate it and say you will report it as assault to the police
It's a bloody lazy way of showing that they are 'dealing with it'
If I was attacked I'd do the same, what your son did was a reaction to that . What did they expect him to do, get the shit beaten out of him & have it continue ??????

PlantDoctor · 06/10/2023 19:57

That makes me very angry on behalf of your son. I'm glad they're tackling the bullying but it seems incredibly unfair. I'd definitely push back on him being isolated.

WillowCraft · 06/10/2023 20:00

I think they are wrong to sanction him. If your version of events is strictly true it's very concerning and where would it have ended if he hadn't got away? He needed to escape in any way he could from someone bigger and stronger who was targeting him. He could have ended up seriously harmed. I think I 'd consider going to the police about this - it's an unprovoked assault.

TeenLifeMum · 06/10/2023 20:00

Nope. I’m usually all for supporting the school even if I don’t 100% agree but I will not allow my dc to be punished for defending himself in those circumstances. I’d be considering involving police for the assault.

Tinkerbyebye · 06/10/2023 20:01

I would go back to the school and advise them that you now want to make a formal complaint. They did not keep your son safe, he was attacked and defended himself. Personally I would be considering reporting the matter to the police as well, and telling the school that. I hate bullies with a vengeance, the school need to ensure that those being bullied feel safe enough to report it, they won’t if they get sanctioned as well

Emeraldrings · 06/10/2023 20:06

Tbh I'm not surprised the victim (your DS) is being punished. I had it from DDs school, they seemed to think should accept shit from her bully and not react.
I moved her from that school in the end.
So yes your DS shouldn't be punished here. Escalate your complaint following the schools policy but I wouldn't send him back until the school agree not to punish him.

RedBarGap · 06/10/2023 20:07

So school's policy is have the shit beaten out of you until the other child decides they are finished as if you remotely defend yourself you too will end up in isolation? Surely that is what their policy is advocating.

Absolutely not and I would be pointing that part out. I think due to the increased threat when he returned to school I would be asking the school if they are going to report it to the police because if they don't, I would.

My son was attacked in school, he defended himself but didn't hit the other child, just caught his foot when he went to kick him so this had the bully hopping round like an idiot. They have a zero tolerance for fighting but my son did not get isolation because they could see it was very one sided. Your school needs to use common sense. I wouldn't let my child return until I was sure he was safe and not going to be put in isolation.

HuckleberryJam · 06/10/2023 20:14

You're right. He won't go to safeguarding next time. He'll suffer in silence and the bully will have free rein.

Brilliantlydone · 06/10/2023 20:15

I would personally call the police, I wouldn't leave this to school. He's been attacked off the school premises, this is a police matter.

Meandermoanda · 06/10/2023 20:20

Their policy is encouraging your child to either keep quiet about the pummeling or let himself he beaten up further next time. They're punishing him for being a victim and encouraging a status quo.

I would lodge a formal complete citing this as the flaw and how they have failed your child. I'd also report the incident to the police

Hummingbird233 · 06/10/2023 20:31

Honestly? I'd write to the governors and if they still insist, I'd move schools. I know that sounds dramatic but he's just started, it won't hurt him to change. The schools policy is crazy, would the teachers simply stand still and get beaten in the same circumstances? Obviously not.

The world has gone utterly crazy.

I'd also be calling the police. If a stranger harassed you and punched you in the face, you'd call the police, so I'd do the same for your son.

And for the time being, I would be taking and collecting him from school to prevent them seeking him out on his walk home.

As a mum, this type of thing really hits deep. Both for your poor son who's been made to feel vulnerable and for the idiot boy who's on a path to no good. At 12 he should be able to be fairly innocent still, enjoying the small things in life he's getting to know as he grows, not wondering if he's going to get beaten up for nothing.

manicflamingo · 06/10/2023 20:46

You are allowed in law to use reasonable force to defend yourself- thought schools were supposed to uphold British values? As RingALingADingDong said what would the school advise someone being physically attacked do- stand there and do nothing?

I would locate the schools complaints policy and formally complain. I would ask for an explanation of the rationale behind the ethics of approving a behaviour policy which requires those being attacked to be sanctioned.

I would also consider reporting to the police - you are well within your rights to do so. Age 12 is 2 years over the age of criminal responsibility.

From your description your son was not physically violent - he defended himself. His primary intention was not to hurt or cause injury but to defend himself. Ask them to look up violence in the dictionary.

Hope your son is OK what an awful thing to happen.

manicflamingo · 06/10/2023 20:56

Changethetoner · 06/10/2023 19:13

Oh come on. What violent conduct has her son displayed? None so why would it be OK for him to be punished for it? Life isn't fair you are absolutely right. Her son just got attacked, repeatedly.

A school are supposed to be leaders in supporting children, they have got this very very wrong in their policy. You don't have accept unfairness just because someone or something in authority tells you they are right. Those in charge get things wrong all the time.

You are allowed to challenge unfairness and stand up for people being treated unfairly. As other posters have pointed out there is a bigger picture here - what message does this send out to other vicitms?

Mustthinkofausername · 06/10/2023 21:09

I would report to the police and press charges against this other boy. Your son hitting back was self defence. I'm so sorry your son had to experience this.

knockyknees · 06/10/2023 22:39

The school is 100% wrong in this instance. Under no circumstance would I allow my child to be punished for this. He did nothing wrong. The school failed him, and I'd be pointing that out to them. Ask them why HE should bear the punishment for THEIR failures?

I'd also report to the police, and make a formal complaint (to the governors/Ofsted/Education Department/whichever is applicable) regarding their process of punishing the victim.

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