13 year old shy or socially awkward.. same thing?

Crazycrazylady · 2023-10-06T17:29:32+00:00

Sorry about this but posting for traffic. My 13 year old has always struggled a bit socially. He says he finds it really hard to think of things to say to people especially those he doesn't know well. He has always been like this but has started secondary recently and is seeing his friends branch off meeting loads of new people and he isn't .. How can I help him? Any books he should read Would appreciate any adviice?

Blueeyedmale · 06/10/2023 18:31

Any sings or points to ASD op or do you think its just general anxiety/shyness?

Emmalin · 06/10/2023 18:35

I am shy/socially awkward and the best advice I ever got was to ask people about themselves. Just literally ask a question and then ask another question framed around the answer and so on. People love talking about themselves plus it means you don't have to do any work. 🤣

Also, for you, I know that at 13 this is his whole life but once he gets to 23, 33 43, etc, this will be a part of his life he looks back on. Nothing is set in stone and it's a long game. He can't appreciate that but you can as you've lived through it yourself. (Just saying to avoid you getting too down about it.)

Original poster

Crazycrazylady · 06/10/2023 19:04

Thanks ladies.

No nothing that points to asd I don't think. I've always known he was shy abs poor at small talk.
Primary School never seem to notice his shyness even with my probing . They probably would say he was quiet and polite which he is.
That's good advice re asking a question people do love to chat about themselves . I think it's as much about practice and confidence as anything else. I think we might need to practice some questions even if that feels very scripted
His dad who is fairly social now said he was the same . ( although he would say deep down he still doesn't love big groups of strangers) not that you would guess when meeting him.

I just hate seeing him bothered by this.

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Blueeyedmale · 06/10/2023 19:12

Maybe focus on some of his strengths op,talk to him about some of the things he enjoys has confidence in,any interests look at after school clubs,I understand its not nice seeing him like it,its sounds like could be general anxiety or confidence and that is something you can work on and can get better op

MakeItToTheMoon · 06/10/2023 19:23

Emmalin · 06/10/2023 18:35

I am shy/socially awkward and the best advice I ever got was to ask people about themselves. Just literally ask a question and then ask another question framed around the answer and so on. People love talking about themselves plus it means you don't have to do any work. 🤣

Also, for you, I know that at 13 this is his whole life but once he gets to 23, 33 43, etc, this will be a part of his life he looks back on. Nothing is set in stone and it's a long game. He can't appreciate that but you can as you've lived through it yourself. (Just saying to avoid you getting too down about it.)

Yes, I agree. I work in a job that involves meeting new people every day, and I just ask them questions that requires them to talk about themselves.... and it works a treat.

I was very shy as a child, and I realised that only you know what's going through your mind. If you smile at people and act confident, everyone thinks your confident. It might be easier for girls, than it is for boys. But pushing yourself out of your comfort zone is the best way to learn quickly.

When your son is old enough, advise him to get a job where he has to deal with people. I started work in retail aged 17, and my social skills improved. Even if he participates in a sport/ charity event/ club that may help.

As he's still a teenager he probably just needs to find a hobby he loves, and he will widen his friendship circle. Teenager years are always awkward and cruel, but I'm sure in a few years time things will be different for him.

DelilahBucket · 06/10/2023 19:25

I would get him involved with some hobbies. He'll automatically be with people he has something in common with, the hobby.

SoShallINever · 06/10/2023 19:35

Some people are just quieter. There is nothing wrong with that.
You say he is "bothered" by this, are you sure about that? Or are you bothered by it and are making it an issue?

Original poster

Crazycrazylady · 06/10/2023 21:53

Thanks everyone. He is very sporty and plays loads of different sport and is generally well liked I would saiy. It's just if he met a team mate outside of a game he would have nothing to say to them!

I'm a chatter box myself so find it hard to relate to and I don't want to make him more self conscious about it because than he is. I do think a public facing job when he is a bit older could be the making of him

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Original poster

Crazycrazylady · 06/10/2023 21:57

SoShallINever · 06/10/2023 19:35

Some people are just quieter. There is nothing wrong with that.
You say he is "bothered" by this, are you sure about that? Or are you bothered by it and are making it an issue?

I think he has started to be bothered by it . I think his two friends from primary are branching out and he sees how easy it is for them to chat to new people and as he says himself he just finds it hard and he can't think of anything 'natural' to say ..
I've always been a little bothered by it as well if I'm honest as I am as alway afraid at some stage he would be upset by it and now he seems to feel it more..

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startingfromtomorrow · 06/10/2023 22:14

He may be an introvert. I'm an introvert and I'm very aware that awkward silence when I can't think of anything to say is embarrassing and so I avoid social situations.
I'm comfortable with close friends and family but not strangers.

junebirthdaygirl · 06/10/2023 22:39

My dc say the best practice they had for talking to people was coming from a big extended family where they had no choice but to talk to all sorts. Does he have much contact with people oytside of school? Being sporty should be a help. Can he talk about the match? Does he follow teams / rugby World cup/ golf etc on TV and chat to you and his dad about it, listen to the commentary so he can pick their opinions. His dadmight want to focus on this for the Winter if it's not already happening as it will open door for him. It's good he can tell you how he feels and shows he is a lovely open lad.
Could he join a local youth group where he might meet more of his own kind. Starting Secondary is so hard and his friends might be finding it difficult too but keeping up a brave front.

midnightblue12 · 06/10/2023 22:57

I've always been shy and I guess I can be socially awkward too.
I think, looking back, what could have helped with my confidence would probably have been more exposure to socks settings. Not being pushed to be more extroverted, even just being my shy quiet self in louder settings would have helped, with someone I trusted and felt comfortable with of course!
A shy person will avoid these situations often and then the shyness gets worse!
Passing my driving test and getting my first job we're big turning points for me and my confidence 🙂

Ringpeace · 06/10/2023 23:23

Apart from with my family and closest friends, I'm always the 'quiet one' in any group and always have been. I'm a teeth-grinding introvert, and definitely socially awkward.

It did used to bother me a bit in my teen years, but after a while It just grew into being part of who I am.

You may well find that the new people your lad's friends are meeting will become friends of your lad too. That's what happened to me, anyway. I'm still very close to friends I met at school (4 decades ago!).

Small talk is still agony for me though, especially in a professional setting. I even used to hang back in the lobby at work so I wouldn't have to share a lift with anyone who may want to chat. Never knew what to say. Hurray for work from home!

MaudGone · 06/10/2023 23:24

Voluntary work where he has to interact with people, perhaps when he's a bit older of course. Nye bevan wrote somewhere about being painfully shy in his early teens. He got involved in political meetings & debates where he was forced to speak with other people.

Brokebuthappy25 · 06/10/2023 23:39

I was extremely shy as a child and teen, still shy now with new people and I'm 34!
The worst thing about it when I was young was my mother constantly pointing it out, and telling whoever we were talking to "shes ever so quiet". It made it alot worse than it should have been. I'm still introverted and feel awkward in some situations, but I've learnt that theres nothing wrong with being a quiet person. I'd rather be like me than the annoying, loud, gobby people we cross in life who seem to create drama out of nothing for some reason. Theres also nothing wrong with having a small circle of friends. Better to have a few good friends than lots of fake friends. Your son will naturally come out of his shell with time, when he starts doing things on his own more, like driving, working, relationships ect. His confidence will grow more and more. No point forcing him into doing social activities that he doesnt want to do either. That could have the opposite effect of what you wanted. I had my confidence knocked down several times being made to do things I wasnt ready for.

PandaExpress · 07/10/2023 01:50

The best thing I've heard a boy around this age say to another child was "I'm socially awkward" and it was said it with a smile. The other lad just laughed and then they started talking about the character on the the boys tshirt. I'd liken it to the characters on the Big bang theory (I know it's not real life ha) but it's about finding your people. There are lots of socially awkward kids around. They just need to find each other and have a mutual interest. There are lots of clubs around that might help. There are cafes where they meet for gaming, one chain is called 'Geek retreat' but there are others. Like computer gaming clubs. So, I'd have a look around to see what's on and to see where he might find friends who'll accept him. And I'd find a way to make him own his social awkwardness! That empowerment alone can help bring them out.

Thisismynewusername1 · 07/10/2023 02:29

Crazycrazylady · 06/10/2023 21:57

I think he has started to be bothered by it . I think his two friends from primary are branching out and he sees how easy it is for them to chat to new people and as he says himself he just finds it hard and he can't think of anything 'natural' to say ..
I've always been a little bothered by it as well if I'm honest as I am as alway afraid at some stage he would be upset by it and now he seems to feel it more..

Show quote history

My mum was bothered about my “shyness”.

it made things 100x worse. I got upset by it because I found it so hard, I didn’t want to do it, but I knew I “should”. I also picked up on the underlying message that if I didn’t have a a large friendship group it was because I was unlikeable.

the more I tried to force myself the more I hated it. Eventually I stopped trying and realised I was much happier.

i wish my mum had told me it was ok to not want to be hanging out with friends all the time, and staying in with a book was a normal thing to do. That you’re not some sad, lonely unwanted person because you go to the cinema or out shopping by yourself.

Original poster

Crazycrazylady · 07/10/2023 08:09

Thanks everyone

He is just such a wonderful person. Really he is the best of us, kind empathetic and caring .he is droll and funny as well as I just want other people to see it too! By other people really I mean his peers..

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SueDonnym · 07/10/2023 08:21

I find meeting new people a doddle - what I don't find easy is chatting to people I already know but not well enough to know what their life is like, their family etc So if I know someone well I can ask after their sick granny or whatever if I know someone but not their life I find it impossible to make conversation - unless there is something specific going on, eg do you like the film?.

MidnightOnceMore · 07/10/2023 08:26

Crazycrazylady · 06/10/2023 21:57

I think he has started to be bothered by it . I think his two friends from primary are branching out and he sees how easy it is for them to chat to new people and as he says himself he just finds it hard and he can't think of anything 'natural' to say ..
I've always been a little bothered by it as well if I'm honest as I am as alway afraid at some stage he would be upset by it and now he seems to feel it more..

Show quote history

Tell him 'people are different and there is nothing wrong with being quieter than others'.

The cult of extrovertism is strong, but also misguided.

Throughout history shy and introverted people have been just as valuable as outgoing and extroverted people.

You could read Quiet by Susan Cain to educate yourself.

It's important you tell him over and over and over that he is great the way he is. Stop making plans to try to make him more talkative! Help him to be confident as himself and it'll get easier for him to be braver socially.

MidnightOnceMore · 07/10/2023 08:31

Crazycrazylady · 07/10/2023 08:09

Thanks everyone

He is just such a wonderful person. Really he is the best of us, kind empathetic and caring .he is droll and funny as well as I just want other people to see it too! By other people really I mean his peers..

What you are saying here is about your preferences.

You are saying he is great as he is but I want him to have the social life of a more outgoing person.

You need to accept who he is. Help him see the value in who he truly is. Help him understand he'll meet his clan in time.

Outgoing people and quiet people are equal but different.