No one really gives a shit if you're on your own

[MamiRita]

I split with my long term partner a year or so ago. Whilst I never expected much, I can count those who checked in with me on one hand. I don't want to be overly needy or invite myself a long but this is a pretty big thing. Most of my friends are in relationships, and when they weren't I distinctly remember checking in with them now and again to see if they wanted to hang out or come over.
I don't want to constantly reach out and ask if anyone fancies coming over or meeting up. But does anyone really think that for someone who was in a twenty year relationship, it's a huge lifestyle change to suddenly live alone, with children, and no adult company?
It's not their fault and I know that, just ranting

How much time did you spend with them before your separation?

@RichardArmitagesWife loads because my relationship was awful. My socialising habits haven't really changed.

So you used to see a lot of your friends but now that you've separated they don't spend time with you?

That's weird behaviour unless they were close to your ex.

Or is it that you are the one making overtures and you think they should be thinking "OP's on her own, maybe she would like some company"?

If that's the case, I'm sorry, OP, but I think most people are so caught up in their own stuff. Did you do the contacting in the past while trying to avoid your ex-partner? If so, that's the pattern your friendly relationships have fallen into.

Cost of living crisis and so much political uncertainty, raising their families... people get pretty caught up in their own worlds.

@RichardArmitagesWife I get it, I really do. I'm just a bit lost. Not ready to date, have a very busy life, just moments when I really could use a chat and a bottle of wine (not on my own, that would be odd)

You are right. At the time you need support and companionship the most, they have walked away. Really sorry, I hope it gets better and if you ever want to chat, dm me.

Op I’m so sorry but you need to reach out to them, you’re probably putting out the ‘I’m fine, I can manage’ vibe. Talk to them x

Have you said to your close friends that you could do with a friend and a bottle of wine and a chat? They are not mind readers.

People move on.
At best you have a few months of extra support, but generally people don’t have endless reserves to support others for longer than that.

I think you need counselling op. It’s a far better way to get your needs met, and save the fun times for your friends.

I don't think I really want support or to mope around. I'm happy in general. Just the odd night would be nice, but then if they have kids then they probably are exhausted and if they don't they don't want to sit in my kitchen with my kids!
Being a single mum is the worst of both worlds at times. No wonder women move on quickly and get into other unsuitable relationships!

I imagine they are spending time with their partners. You just didn’t notice before because you were in the same position. Can you hook up with other single women to have a few more nights out as hoc. Your friends don’t owe you a full social life op, they have their own priorities.

Your socialising habits haven’t really changed, so you used to see your friends loads and you still do? Or not?

Tell them. If they are friends, they’ll want to know because they like and value you.

There’s nothing wrong with saying “I could do with a chat and a laugh over a bottle. Are you free anytime soon?”

Sending best wishes, and I hope you have a good weekend. All Creatures Great And Small is back on Channel 5, that always cheers me up.

How often did you see them before, and how often now?

If you didn’t see them loads before, it’s a shift to expect to see them more now. Most people fall into patterns of how often they see certain friends - there will be friends you see once a week v month v year. If you didn’t see them often before, it’s difficult to expect them to see you more now. They probably have settled into their own priorities and routines. I would expect friends to drop a message and see how you’re going though.

If you saw your friends lots before, do you still see them a lot? If not, that seems odd - what’s happened?

@ChilliPB to be honest I think it's just a few friends that I used to see a lot of. One got into a relationship just as I was ending mine so that's understandable. The other has pretty bad anxiety. The other is permanently busy.
For most of them it's been a more gradual drift. Then covid happened and our kids started getting older so we did less play dates and stopped inviting eachother to birthdays. I think they aren't necessarily aware that I'm struggling as I'm always doing things and travelling.
There just aren't a lot of people in my situation. It's not just being a single parent but having very little childcare or money. I realise that isn't my friends fault!

@MamiRita I would honestly say to friends if you’re struggling, would like to meet up and so on. It sounds like it’s just a bit of drifting apart and circumstances changing - yours and theirs. Everyone gets caught up in their own lives and aren’t always that aware of what is going on with friends. I’d try and be open, invite them over and reconnect with them.

I’d also look at trying to make new friends including maybe single mum friends or single friends. There are usually groups on eg Facebook for local social stuff, or start new friendships through school or a hobby. I think worth continuing to make new friends as an adult as life changes and so do our social needs.

Could you join any single parent groups? I'm a single parent and joined a SP meet up group and have managed to make some good new friendships along the way. I now have a network including local friends with similar aged kids and it feels a bit like an extended family, we do meet ups and even go on holiday together.
There could be a whole new community for you out there.

I don’t want to state the obvious and be annoying but have you organised dinner at yours? Drinks? Or do you think the friendships are just seriously drifting overall and you are missing that?