Major concern for family member

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a family member of mine. Their husband has secondary cancer in the brain and treatment options are running out. The family member either can’t accept this or doesn’t understand but they think everything is fine, doesn’t know the severity of their husbands condition, thinks everything is ok, they won’t go to write a will and says it doesn’t need doing and that it’s not important. What could be happening?

The family member was completely fine before their husband fell ill

What do YOU think it could be? Shouldn't it be her husband who needs to write a will?

People are often completely fine before their world falls apart.

The family member is reacting in a very common way. Sometimes it's just too hard to accept that your world is about to crumble.

Your family member doesn't need to write a will. Their husband should, if he wishes, but it's likely far too much for the family member to think about who they'd like to leave things to after because 'after' isn't a place they can think about yet.

Thanks. We are just very worried about them. They think they still go to work but actually retired 4 months ago. They keep getting mixed up with things and having memory problems. They are saying their husband should not write a will and saying it’s a waste of money.

The family member has been saying she knows her husband is having tests for things but says the doctors don’t know what it is. But they do and they have said there may be no more treatment options after this sadly

This sounds similar to how my gran was when my grandad had covid. He was hospitalised and very poorly with it in 2020, and she developed what really looked like dementia - she was confused about what was happening, didn't want to do anything practical, was muddled when talking to us etc. It was particularly difficult as none of us could go and spend time with her, so she was on her own, wasn't sleeping in her bed and was barely eating.

When he came out of hospital (none of us were actually expecting him to) she gradually got better and is now perfectly well in her mid 80s.

Being with someone who's very ill can take a massive strain, and if she was ok before this, it's likely the case here.

Just be there for them, help practically where you can. There's no need for her to write a will right at this moment.

So sorry to hear this OP. Sounds a bit different from your first post when it sounded like complete (but understandable) denial.

Maybe she needs to see a GP herself for some help/support?

Is this family member responsible for caring for the person with cancer? We need more information to be any help really but it sounds very difficult. It could be a case of denial and overwhelm or it could be another illness which is affecting their cognition.

If you are concerned about their ability to care for themselves or the cancer sufferer you can voice your concerns to their GP. They can’t disclose information to you but they can take note.

It sounds as if she has dementia so might not have full capacity to write a will anyway.

If her DH doesn't leave a will it just means intestacy rules will apply.

I think she is in denial. The confusion and memory loss are likely due to her being completely emotionally overwhelmed and her brain knows that one little thing, such as her husband writing a will, will tip her over the edge. She’s trying to keep going and not break down, bless her. I think the only thing you can do is be as supportive as possible, take as much of the burden as you can and be ready to hold her up when the psychologist barrier eventually breaks.

I’m so sorry. My brother did this when my dad was dying of a brain tumour. Insisted everything would be fine and didn’t even visit (he lives 250 miles away) until the day I rang and said, “get your arse up here now. He’s not going to be here tomorrow and I mean it”. It’s hard.

How old is the relative? If elderly, you can consider a UTI (can make the elderly go quite doolally, to the point of being misdiagnosed with dementia), actual dementia (early onset can happen), or the sheer stress of it all causing some mental health issues.

Were they confused / having memory problems before the current situation?

What age are these family members? Thinking that they still work when they have retired sounds like more than denial of their partner's state of health.

From what your describing it sounds as though they are under extreme stress and have become unwell themselves.

Recently my husband has been very unwell (we're only early 30s but been together 20years) and the stress and strain has had me poorly.
If they only retired 4 month ago I'm assuming they aren't very old.
Why does the family member have to make a will?? It doesn't sound as though it is something they can cope with. If he's married will everything not just go to his wife when he dies.

It sounds as though she needs a lot of support right now, not further pressure

Thank you for your comments. They are both in their early 60s. There was no memory problems before her husband became unwell. It’s all come in in the last year or so that he’s been ill. She is the main carer for her husband too. He is very stressed about it and worried about what will happen to her if anything is to happen to him

That's even more worrying as she's so young. My mother-in-law has dementia and it wasn't noticed until her husband had a stroke. It came on full throttle then. However, she was in her mid 80s. Your relative seems so young to be suffering like that.