Insufferable mother

[Fatcat00]

Long long history with mine and my mums relationship. Have been NC in the past. But some changes in circumstances mean that’s no longer viable and nor do I particularly want that anyway. But my GOD I can’t cope with her sometimes. Looking for advice on how to shut her down and/or get her to see how insufferable she can be and change her ways.

again, long history but current issues are

• doesn’t, and never has, work. Yet is the busiest bee that ever lived.
• has 3 grown up children (including myself) and my 16 year old brother
• 16 year old brother has a hobby that mum is HELL BENT on making a professional career out of for him.
• CANNOT have a conversation with her without it centring around brothers hobby.
• can’t ever help out with xyz for anyone because of brothers hobby which she says is her “full time job”
• constantly has run ins with other parents from said hobby and we all have to get the run down of her crying on the phone multiple times a week that X has said this and Y has said that.
• has never helped me with my career (and if being honest has never really done anything for me since about age 14) and still won’t. I’m successful with demanding businesses, she never offers a hand with childcare etc.

all of which you’d hope would be easy to ignore but when I tell you EVERY conversation ends up about it, I’m being literal. I have no interest in the hobby, don’t really care for it, think it’s great my brother has an interest but as far as I’m concerned that’s where it ends. Being realistic, it’s highly highly unlikely he will make it pro. I say this having watched him at games and based on other people’s opinions who do actually have an eye for the hobby (friends in the industry etc). Not least due to the competitive nature of it.

Shes driving me mad. As well as everyone else in the family. We’ve had blazing rows about how I don’t care to be told about all the details and how differently she has, and continues, to treat me as a “child”. Whilst she recognises she was a shit to me growing up. She adopts a “so shoot me” attitude. How can I tell her to shut up about it and treat her kids equally

Whilst I can appreciate how upsetting it feels to watch your sibling receive the time and attention that you didn't receive, and it's understandable to feel angry and let down by that; trying to get her to change her behaviour, or see things from you perspective is unlikely to achieve much as her thoughts, feelings and decisions are beyond your control. It sounds like you told her that harping on about your brother upsets you but she persists, so perhaps you need to consider the boundaries you draw for yourself - and how often you have conversations with her if they inevitably infuriate you.

Why do you think she will change?

If you want to tell her to STFU then go ahead, nobody here would blame you, but what would the point be?

She will just be really angry but will carry on behaving as she always has. I’m NC with my narc mother. If you choose not to be, then you have to tolerate all the shit that comes with that decision.

You can't change her, you can only change how you react to her. So adopt your own "so shoot me" attitude and let it all roll off you

Is she neurodiverse?

Everything that @Beachwalker66 said.

Personally, I’d go NC or extremely limited contact. She’s never going to be what you’d like her to be.

Stop it. You're grown up now. She's unlikely to change so see less of her.

She's never ever had a job? Why on earth not? She's obviously got nothing else to think about and this is why she's so fixated on the hobby. I'd just cut contact to a bare minimum if you can't go NC. What does your Dad think about her?

Put as much distance between the 2 of you as you can.

Develop selective hearing.

She will not change. They never do.

My DM always claimed she was busy. She did nothing all day every day.

If you have to keep in touch with her limit the time you are with her.

Will she change? Can she change? What would a confrontation achieve?

I think you have no choice but to accept her for who she is and if that isn't somebody you want to spend time with, then go low or no contact. You could also try the grey rock technique whenever she is going on about brothers activity.

It is totally normal to feel angry with parents who are emotionally immature, were unable to give you what you needed as a child (and continue in this pattern) and parents who take favourites always create resentments. But your mum may be unable to help you with any of that, it's something you need to go through on your own, with your adult support network, or ideally with a therapist. There are also a lot of brilliant books available to help you with the journey to healing from inadequate parenting. I hope you find some peace and happiness

Stop wondering how you can change her and start sorting out why it's no longer possible to be no contact

You know she won't change.

All you can do is go back to blissful no contact. Work on that.

Can I ask why you no longer want NC? It seems to me that it would be the best option for you as watching your brother getting all the attention is having a very detrimental impact on your wellbeing - and I can't see what you are gaining from being in contact with her.

If you really can't go no contact, just tell her "Shut up.".
Each time.

What does your brother think of it all?

Does he like all her fuss and attention?

Does he himself want to go professional with this hobby?

Or does he secretly hate her overbearing behaviour?

If you won't go nc, then you're purposely putting yourself in her path. Why would you do that to yourself?

This is a case of 'do what you've always done and getting what you've always got'!

thanks for the replies! Don’t really want to go NC as it causes an awkward dynamic with siblings and also don’t want the confusion of her bobbing in and out of my kids lives.

my brother loves his hobby but it has been noted that he is very much getting tired of the pressure.

He is at the hobby or taking private lessons 7 nights per week with some nights having 2 - 3 slots. He is never in school because “school doesn’t matter when you’re gonna go pro” (mums words) his attendance is below 50%.

she is obsessive about what he can eat, drink, do, hours he sleeps, when he gets up, when he goes to bed etc.

keep in mind that if this hobby was for example football - it would be Sunday league for the most part but gradually gained interest from “academy level” clubs and now playing for one. But still playing for several non league teams. Won’t list hobby as May be outing.

Isn’t the definition of insanity repeatedly doing the same thing and expecting a different result?

If your DM has raised you children whilst your DF worked, she has worked.