ASD, attachment issues and trauma response in a child

[misshanicka]

Is this my fault?
I feel eaten alive with guilt this morning.
My 13 year old has recently been comprehensively assessed by psychology and OT and these are their findings.
He was a very happy baby and I fed him to six months and stayed at home for a year . He is the youngest of three.
Dad was useless husband and father. He left four years ago for his affair partner. Kids can't stand him as he's aggressive and angry and frankly. Kids recently 19/15/13.

My middle child was 6/7 when my youngest was going through his formative years of 4/5.
My middle child at that time was a massive flight risk and I spent my time fire 🔥 fighting. It was truly a horrendous time and I see now that my parenting was nearly 100% focused on her and keeping her and others safe. She has ASD, ocd and adhd.
Then when he was 6 , my exh and I went away for a few days. He was traumatised by all accounts as his minder would not allow him t ring me when he wanted to talk to me, which was continuous.
He has had separation anxiety for as long as I Can remember and to this day sleeps in my bed and can't bear to be apart from me..
I am devastated and feel such remorse.
What can I do ?
I need to g private for any treatments which is fine . I just do t know what.

Ultimately you're never going to know how much is your fault and how much isn't and you'll have to accept that.

It sounds to me like a small part of it is your fault, yes. The going away when your son wasn't able to cope with the separation, the choice of minder, the focus on the middle child.

On the other hand you were dealt an unbelievably shitty hand in life and you sound like a caring parent who did the best you could in the situation you were in at the time. You son was always going to have problems no matter what you did.

As to what you can do now, can you go and talk to the people who've diagnosed your youngest and ask them? And/or get yourself into therapy to help you come to terms with your feelings. Your children are lucky compared to many - you care about them, you feel guilty when you fall short, and you want to do better. Count their blessings for them.