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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu here genuinely don’t know

15 replies

Whatyouthink1 · 06/10/2023 10:19

Ok so myself I have three kids one lives with me the other two one lives with dad and one is adult , my partner has a child that lives with us too , we planned to spend the same amount on the two kids that live with us for Xmas and I had a budget in mind for the others that don’t live with me , my question is that because their child doesn’t have a dad around is it reasonable to spend more on that child at Xmas as my child will get gifts from dad too where as they won’t and also we have to spend more on my other two kids as well or does it not matter what dad is planning on spending and that they will get gifts from him and just to treat the two that live here the same ?

OP posts:
cocksstrideintheevening · 06/10/2023 10:26

Treat the two that live there the same

Mothership4two · 06/10/2023 10:30

cocksstrideintheevening · 06/10/2023 10:26

Treat the two that live there the same

second this ^^

Mumof2teens79 · 06/10/2023 10:33

So its your partnesschild who doesn't have Dad around? What are the ages? That can affect how much they will notice about total spend

For the adult I would say minimal spend

For the others I would try and work on total but make any stocking fillers pretty even

So child who lives with their Dad gets say 100 from you and 100 from their dad 200 overall plus stocking

Child who lives with you gets 100 from you, 100 from dad plus stocking.

Partners child gets 100 from partner....plus either 100 from you or 100 from partner (because they only have one child/are mum & Dad) either way works out the same (plus stocking)

Original poster
Whatyouthink1 · 06/10/2023 10:38

Thanks, yes my partners child has no dad around but also me and my ex don’t really say what each others budgets are to each other so not like I could say I’ll spend this and you spend that and then make it equal if you get me , I just felt like no matter what the dad spends that doesn’t change what I want to spend on them but my partner then sees it as mine get double presents and their child sees this and doesn’t so I don’t know if iabu also they are 9

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatyouthink1 · 06/10/2023 19:43

Anyone else ? Still really stuck ..

OP posts:
Tol85 · 06/10/2023 20:34

Either as other people have said or other option is the presents ur childs dad buys stays at dad's so your partners child doesn't feel more left out.

luckysonofagun · 06/10/2023 20:39

I have always spent equal on each of my kids. The two with different dad get presents at his too but I view that as a small bonus for having separated parents

Swiftsmith · 06/10/2023 20:41

I understand why you’re not sure what to do, it’s complicated. But I wonder why you’re feeling that you have to spend a certain amount… how much a child loves a gift doesn’t necessarily come from the monetary value of it. Can’t you just get them things that they’ll love and will make them happy regardless of the price tag? Or will they be tallying up and comparing the price of the gifts? Which seem sad to me and not much in the spirit of Christmas 🤷🏻‍♀️

PikachuChickenRice · 06/10/2023 20:46

Why can't you just buy major presents for your own children?
Your partner buys for hers. You and your ex buy for yours. She has one, you + your ex have 3 between you so the numbers work out well IMO.
Then get some cheap stocking fillers etc that can be shared.

It's not just about having a 'dad', being in a blended family you have to come to terms that one side has unrelated relatives like maybe your ex's family etc who also buy presents you cannot equalise everything. The only thing you can control is your own spending.

You also can't treat your OWN kids differently depending on who lives where. If you treat the two one step and one own who live with you 'same', as in you buy them both something expensive you need to do it for the ones who live with dad too. Of course, you could buy them all something cheaper and let dad make it up.

Your partner needing to buy for only child and you buying for 3 means they have the £££ to spend a lot more.

Are there huge income disparities at play here?

ToxicPositivity · 06/10/2023 20:50

I have two 9yos, well tomorrow I will anyway! They know fine well that their oldest sister gets extra presents from her dad and family, never once been an issue. What would be an issue is if one of them had clearly more than the other.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 06/10/2023 20:50

Is there something specific that each child wants? I think i would make it look as similar as possible for the kids that live with you.

Does your partner think that you should spend more of their child because they don't have a 2nd parent? If that's the case where does that stop? Try to treat your child's presents from dad just as you would if they get something from different grandparents or aunts and uncles etc and from your household focus on getting what would suit each child. Tough one though.

Original poster
Whatyouthink1 · 07/10/2023 07:34

because I want to treat this child as if they were my own and luckily my extended family does too and does get things for them
it’s not all about the money or amount of gifts it’s more being fair and not treating them differently, they literally have no other family and I don’t want to seem like I don’t care

OP posts:
PikachuChickenRice · 07/10/2023 14:09

Whatyouthink1 · 07/10/2023 07:34

because I want to treat this child as if they were my own and luckily my extended family does too and does get things for them
it’s not all about the money or amount of gifts it’s more being fair and not treating them differently, they literally have no other family and I don’t want to seem like I don’t care

But you already are treating them as your own. They get all the presents yours get, from your side of the family. So you are not treating them differently.
What your kids get from your ex has nothing to do with you. They don't have a dad - again nothing to do with you. You shouldn't need to compensate for that.
They know your kids have a dad and they don't.

If you spend more on partner's kids that means you're treating your own children unfairly in your house. What their father does is irrelevant to what you're doing.

Do your children get presents from partner's extended family? Which, if they do, again is unfair to your kid that lives with dad.

See how messy this gets?

SchoolQuestionnaire · 07/10/2023 14:22

PikachuChickenRice · 07/10/2023 14:09

But you already are treating them as your own. They get all the presents yours get, from your side of the family. So you are not treating them differently.
What your kids get from your ex has nothing to do with you. They don't have a dad - again nothing to do with you. You shouldn't need to compensate for that.
They know your kids have a dad and they don't.

If you spend more on partner's kids that means you're treating your own children unfairly in your house. What their father does is irrelevant to what you're doing.

Do your children get presents from partner's extended family? Which, if they do, again is unfair to your kid that lives with dad.

See how messy this gets?

Show quote history

This.

Id be tempted to say that you can both just buy for your own. Then if your dp wants to buy their own dc more it’s on them. You’ve got 3 of your own and it’s those dc you should be worrying about.

onwardsup4 · 07/10/2023 15:46

Whatyouthink1 · 06/10/2023 19:43

Anyone else ? Still really stuck ..

I have three with my ex and an 18 month old with my partner. We will be spending more on my youngest as he will only be getting from us , so will receive roughly the same as the others all together. I know the older children will absolutely understand this and I think it makes sense.

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