Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for telling my "friend" that my husband isn't her concern?

401 replies

Empressofall · 06/10/2023 09:35

100% believe I'm in the right here but you never know.
Context: My husband and I both work full time. Both have stressful jobs.
He has long shifts (10+ hours) but his days off can fall during the week when our child goes to daycare so he has actual time off to do as he pleases (it's just how his shifts work. No shade that our kid isnt at home with him. We still send him so we can keep his place and its fun for him) and I do not. I often bring work home and either work into the night or grab some time during baby's nap time. My "days off" are weekends where I'm 100% in charge of the house and our baby if my husband is working.
My husband is as hands on as he can be in the time that he has.
On to the issue: last night, he came home at around 7.30pm (late for him) and I'd already done grocery shop, laundry, bathtime, bedtime, cleaned the lounge etc. I was pretty tired.
I made dinner. I made breaded chicken (from frozen, like a Birds Eye packet), roasted garlic potatoes and salad. Not really a chore. But somewhat nutritious.
Husband was super grateful and ate it all up.
He then did the dishes.
I was chatting to my friend (let's call her A) about our day and she was appalled that I'd made my husband a "low effort and low quality dinner" and that "making him do the dishes after a long day at work was bitchy and unhelpful". Like... excuse me?! I also worked yesterday. And did 100% of the childcare/housework. I was exhausted. I didn't even ask him to do the dishes. He did them himself because he's an adult who knows how and when to wash dishes.
I told her this.
She told me not to be surprised when he finds someone willing to put more effort into the relationship. More context: A was involved with a married man who left his wife for her, citing that his wife didn't make enough effort. She's paranoid AF that he'll leave if she isn't 100% perfect. Their house is like a fucking show home and every meal is organic from scratch blah blah blah.
I got angry and told her that my husband isn't her concern, that if he leaves me because of a dinner then he's not much of a man. She then said ahe was only telling me "for your own good". I lost my sh1t and told her to f**k off.
Husband says I'm in the right. Another friend agrees with A that I should have put more effort into the meal and offered to do the dishes because husband worked a longer day than I did.
But the way I see it, we both worked so why is his job and work day more important than mine?

If anyone's wondering, I started work at 7am, finished at 3.30pm, did the grocery shop at 4.30pm (after commuting an hour), bathed baby at 6.40pm, put him to bed by 7.20pm and had 10mins to myself before husband came home. I started dinner as soon as he walked in.

Husband started work at 9.30am and got in at 7.30pm meaning he finished at 7pm.

Was I wrong to tell her this? Am I just lazy?
Edit: my husband never EVER expects me or even asks me to cook for him. We have VERY different tastes in food so we often just cook for ourselves because it's easier!

OP posts:
LalaPaloosa · 07/10/2023 22:38

They say when a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy. She’s fooling herself if she thinks that her husband left his original wife for her because of failings in his original wife. He’s a cheater, and he will do the same to her regardless of her show home and organic meals. I think she knows this. She’s projecting her issues onto you.

As others have said, stop talking to this woman. Your husband sounds great. Why wouldn’t he wash up when you’ve made him dinner? You don’t need to justify anything you do at home. It sounds like it’s working for you and your family.

SomeoneKidda · 07/10/2023 23:00

Aquamarine1029 · 06/10/2023 09:38

Stop talking to these batshit women.

One of those times when the first comment actual nails it.

MarrymeJM · 07/10/2023 23:40

I think you are actually doing too much. Coming back from work to do more work and caring for your baby. Really you have worked longer hours than your husband. Perhaps you could hire a nanny or maid to help you when you are a home. I'm exhausted just listening to your day!

Annanirvana · 08/10/2023 00:02

Stay away from this "friend" (fiend is more like it), If she's stolen another woman's husband.........and she's so very obviously jealous of you, there's no telling what else she's willing to do. Tell her if she wants to play being little Mrs Perfect Stepford wife, to shut up and get on with it.

GrandmaSusie · 08/10/2023 00:03

It's none of your friends' business! Also, they don't seem much like friends. If I were you, I find new companions.

MixedCouple · 08/10/2023 00:05

Yeah that's is bizzare and not true. But why your mates with a homewrecker?

There is a saying amongst my people "you are on the same path in life as those you keep close in company"

Mentaldays · 08/10/2023 00:14

Are your friends from the 1950s?

I remember when our first baby was 2 weeks old and my husband started a new job, my mum was at ours visiting and I called hubby and asked him to grab something for dinner, he had to walk past the massive supermarket door to get home, my mum was aghast said I’d been ‘off’ all day and how awful it was I’d asked him to buy food….how I laughed, still have a giggle today about it. She also thinks it’s awful I let him bring me a cuppa every morning before he goes to work…all I’ll say is thank god I’m not stuck in her era. I work slightly less hours but my job is more physical I’m exhausted at the end of the day so jobs at home are split accordingly.

You do you

AllyLond · 08/10/2023 00:28

Don’t tell your “friend “ too much. She isn’t much of a friend by the sounds of her. She has formed an opinion of you and your low quality dinner. She didn’t eat it your husband did without complaint. Friends should be a friend not over opinionated. She doesn’t support you just seems to try to knock you. I had a friend similar until I sat and thought long and hard and then just totally removed her from my life. All of what you have described rang personal alarm bells. I wish you the best. Unlike your “friend” or as I would categorise her your frenemy.

Grrrrdarling · 08/10/2023 01:07

@Empressofall Ditch the friend. She is clearly a 1950’s housewife type who believes a woman’s place is in the kitchen. I wonder if her partner believes she should be seen & not heard too!
Relationships now are a partnership where everyone should pull their weight because quite simply we all live busy lives & one person carrying all the home & childcare expectations as-well as working full time is just not physically possible!

Yourself & your husband are in the same page & he isn’t taking advantage of you or treating you like a glorified slave like hers is!

Alwayswildatheart · 08/10/2023 01:17

Ditch the friend, what integrity does she have, not only having an affair with a married an but shit stirring in your life?

I'd have told her to fuck off too! Good on you.

purplehair1 · 08/10/2023 02:45

Your friend is not a friend. Tell her to F right off - actually just dump her. You are completely in the right. Who are these patronising women?

Chestnutz · 08/10/2023 05:11

Listen to your husband not these insecure women

Mama1209 · 08/10/2023 06:13

They are 100% jealous that you have a husband who isn’t an arsehole and is striving to have an equal relationship and to top it off, I wouldn’t be friends with a home wrecker. You never know when she will do it to you!

MarvellousMonsters · 08/10/2023 07:49

Your 'friend' is batshit, you are doing more than enough.

Can you afford to drop a day, or even a half day, because you currently get no time off and you are doing too much. If you can't reduce your hours can you get a cleaner?

Milliemoo6 · 08/10/2023 08:06

Sounds like your friend is jealous that your relationship is a partnership. Hers sounds god awful.

ClairDeLaLune · 08/10/2023 08:17

Maybe your “friend” thinks she’d be a better wife for your DH. I’d be wary of her, she might be targeting him next…

newnamethanks · 08/10/2023 08:22

Ha! Tell her not all men are like the one she had to 'steal'. She's just paranoid and projecting her own insecurities onto you. It's not fair. Look what she's had to do to 'find and keep her man'. Serve her right. Find a new and better friend.

AndyPandyismyhero · 08/10/2023 08:40

Your 'friend' sounds a lot like my late MIL, who actually was a 1950's housewife. Except she was a hypocrite. One of her numerous complaints about me was that I didn't send my DH off to work with a cooked breakfast in his belly every day and that he made his own sandwiches for lunch. This from a woman who insisted her husband and sons clear up and wash the dishes after dinner, that her son's do their own ironing from early teens and generally expected the men in her family to treat her like a queen. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the fact that my DH did those things because it meant that when we married, he expected to take on his fair share of the household tasks, in fact, he probably does more than me, but for me it is about the hypocrisy of expecting me to do what she didn't do herself. Sounds as though your friend is as worried as hell that she will lose her 'catch' if she doesn't do all that for him. Or she is a jealous as hell that you and your DH are a real team and have found a way that works for both of you.

Runki · 08/10/2023 09:00

If your husband leaves you for a woman who cooks organic meals from scratch AND does the dishes, I will marry you in a heartbeat. 😀 I would be over the moon if someone made me cheese on toast for dinner....your meal of chicken and roast potatoes sounds perfect and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I think you sound lovely and so does your husband. Ignore this woman...she sounds very jealous and I hope she is enjoying her days never ever sitting down and chopping up organic vegetables that she grows in her own garden and pulls out of the ground with her bare hands. I bet she is so much fun at parties. 😀

Blueskies4 · 08/10/2023 09:05

Not married to Andrew Tate is she?

Don't listen to another word she says about relationships!

LaDamaDeElche · 08/10/2023 09:18

I really think some people see women as still having the role they had years ago, but we don’t, because we work. It’s so odd that people can’t see this and think roles should still be like they were in our grandparents generation. Life has moved on and to expect a woman to look after the home, kids, husband and have a job is just the road to burnout and mental
health problems. These types of people never seem to expect the man to pay 💯 of everything like they did back then, they think it’s more than fair for women to pay their way and still do everything for the family.

Medusala1 · 08/10/2023 09:23

Sounds as though your friend is insecure and immature. Does she feel guilt for being with a man that was married and is she afraid that another woman will do the same to her?
She doesn’t trust her other half. Is he really that shallow?
A messy happy home is far better than a show home which is just hiding insecurities. It sounds like transference. She is projecting her fears on to you. I think she needs lots of reassurance.
Your husband and you are a team. You share responsibilities and make mature decisions about your life together.
If she is really your friend perhaps you need to sit her down and have a conversation about her insecurities. Judging you for what you and your husband choose to do is not very respectable to you or your family.
Perhaps if she was actually happy she would not feel the need to criticise you.
Amy meal shared together with love is better than a meal shared together with fear of failure, criticism and a lack of trust.
My husband and I are a team. We are two mature people who married and therefore do all the jobs without having any issues about traditional roles. If I cook he cleans and vice versa. We both look after our son together.
We both clean the house and do the laundry. We respect each other, love each other and trust each other.
Sounds as though you have the same love and trust. Be happy and don’t take on board anything which doesn’t hold true. Friends build each other up and support each other.

BarelyCoping123 · 08/10/2023 09:47

What kind of "friends" do you have OP? Get rid of them immediately, they are toxic weirdos!

Sassyon · 08/10/2023 10:08

your sharing the load. I think friend has issues due to her relationship. Don’t worry x

Cetim · 08/10/2023 10:27

I would suggest you tell her to f off but thankfully you have already done that. The cheek of her. The other woman lecturing you on how to keep a man when she basically stolen someone else's. She is just trying to justify her situation by claiming her husband left his ex because she wasn't woman enough and not because he is a cheating scoundrel who will probably do it to her. Your husband your business and he seems happy so she needs to keep her nose out