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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for telling my "friend" that my husband isn't her concern?

401 replies

Empressofall · 06/10/2023 09:35

100% believe I'm in the right here but you never know.
Context: My husband and I both work full time. Both have stressful jobs.
He has long shifts (10+ hours) but his days off can fall during the week when our child goes to daycare so he has actual time off to do as he pleases (it's just how his shifts work. No shade that our kid isnt at home with him. We still send him so we can keep his place and its fun for him) and I do not. I often bring work home and either work into the night or grab some time during baby's nap time. My "days off" are weekends where I'm 100% in charge of the house and our baby if my husband is working.
My husband is as hands on as he can be in the time that he has.
On to the issue: last night, he came home at around 7.30pm (late for him) and I'd already done grocery shop, laundry, bathtime, bedtime, cleaned the lounge etc. I was pretty tired.
I made dinner. I made breaded chicken (from frozen, like a Birds Eye packet), roasted garlic potatoes and salad. Not really a chore. But somewhat nutritious.
Husband was super grateful and ate it all up.
He then did the dishes.
I was chatting to my friend (let's call her A) about our day and she was appalled that I'd made my husband a "low effort and low quality dinner" and that "making him do the dishes after a long day at work was bitchy and unhelpful". Like... excuse me?! I also worked yesterday. And did 100% of the childcare/housework. I was exhausted. I didn't even ask him to do the dishes. He did them himself because he's an adult who knows how and when to wash dishes.
I told her this.
She told me not to be surprised when he finds someone willing to put more effort into the relationship. More context: A was involved with a married man who left his wife for her, citing that his wife didn't make enough effort. She's paranoid AF that he'll leave if she isn't 100% perfect. Their house is like a fucking show home and every meal is organic from scratch blah blah blah.
I got angry and told her that my husband isn't her concern, that if he leaves me because of a dinner then he's not much of a man. She then said ahe was only telling me "for your own good". I lost my sh1t and told her to f**k off.
Husband says I'm in the right. Another friend agrees with A that I should have put more effort into the meal and offered to do the dishes because husband worked a longer day than I did.
But the way I see it, we both worked so why is his job and work day more important than mine?

If anyone's wondering, I started work at 7am, finished at 3.30pm, did the grocery shop at 4.30pm (after commuting an hour), bathed baby at 6.40pm, put him to bed by 7.20pm and had 10mins to myself before husband came home. I started dinner as soon as he walked in.

Husband started work at 9.30am and got in at 7.30pm meaning he finished at 7pm.

Was I wrong to tell her this? Am I just lazy?
Edit: my husband never EVER expects me or even asks me to cook for him. We have VERY different tastes in food so we often just cook for ourselves because it's easier!

OP posts:
Naunet · 07/10/2023 09:25

You need to stop surrounding yourself with misogynistic, dick pandering women. Let them play at being the good little housewife and find out for themselves that men don’t respect it - it’s very hard to respect anyone who presents themselves to you as a compliant little service bot.

Findinganewme · 07/10/2023 09:28

you Are in a marriage, not in employment where you clock in and out and have to account for your tasks.

its not about the hours or who does this or that, surely. If your husband felt like doing the dishes because he had the energy, because it’s a considerate thing, because it’s a job that needs doing …then great. Really, do we need to justify ourselves to the point where we do, or do not do household jobs based on how hard we work?

Naunet · 07/10/2023 09:32

Findinganewme · 07/10/2023 09:28

you Are in a marriage, not in employment where you clock in and out and have to account for your tasks.

its not about the hours or who does this or that, surely. If your husband felt like doing the dishes because he had the energy, because it’s a considerate thing, because it’s a job that needs doing …then great. Really, do we need to justify ourselves to the point where we do, or do not do household jobs based on how hard we work?

Well it makes more sense than justifying who does jobs based on their genitalia.

Seaside3 · 07/10/2023 09:45

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 06/10/2023 20:16

Why on earth do people share such private things with others?

I'd say sharing what you cooked for tea is lnNot 'private', just mundane.

Dado2girls · 07/10/2023 10:00

Whoever A is, I should take her off your Christmas card list! The comments are utterly out of order and she should wind her interfering busy body insecure neck in. But that just my view from a remarkably similar setup to your own.

GilberMarkham · 07/10/2023 10:16

I think you need to phase out the friendship.

She is a bit bonkers.

She is also not a fundamentally good or well adjusted person to have gotten involved with a married man.

Clarich007 · 07/10/2023 10:25

No of course you are definitely not being unreasonable !!
She sounds like a bossy , nosy sod.
Sounds as if she is projecting her insecurities on you. It amazes me that people think it's ok to do this and that you would be grateful for her advice.
It sounds like you have a good marriage.

Widower2014 · 07/10/2023 11:36

Your 'friend' sounds jealous. As long as your household routine works for those living there then it is nothing to do with anyone else.

TrustyRusty68 · 07/10/2023 13:33

😂😂

TrustyRusty68 · 07/10/2023 13:34

One less person on your Christmas card list!!

DGH · 07/10/2023 13:37

The only persons opinion you need is.the one you are sharing your life with, if he has any issues I'm sure he will let you know before he find this other woman, like using myself as an example, I can do everything a woman can do and even more as am about from giving birth or breathing feeding, in any relationship I don't expect my partner to worship me or even cook , if she is confident and have time and makes the effort to do it that amazing if she doesn't or can't I will do it , people like to compare and contrast too much , my father never cooked or cleaned but is married 45years .. My Partner at the moment doesn't know how to cook one dish from my country do I fault her ..

Do your thing Miss , the grass is never green on the other side ..

VeronicaSawyer89 · 07/10/2023 13:45

She's measuring all men by the poor standards of her own relationship. Because she is in a relationship with a man who couldn't keep it in his pants she thinks every man is like that. I'd pity her if I was you. She was a bitch to you and I'd stop being friends with her.

Flynn282 · 07/10/2023 17:42

Ohmygod delete this woman’s number!! You are 100% not in the wrong, the details are totally irrelevant, who feels comfortable even saying that to a friend!?

rOsie80 · 07/10/2023 17:43

Good lord that women is what's wrong with world. How can any of us expect our son's to have happy marriages if they expect that! Ridiculous. Your husband sounds great and you sound like you have an amazing relationship.

SureWhyNotThen · 07/10/2023 17:53

You do you, it's none of her concern. What's actually happening is she is envious of you, that she's created this warped sense of how to be a wife in order to keep a man and likelihood is, it's no better for it.

So rather than accept that, like the batshit person she is, she would rather plant seeds in order to turn your head, cause friction and potentially destroy your marriage that was fine all along to make their marriage look stronger, because of her efforts.

Distance yourself, she has bad intentions.

Luxell934 · 07/10/2023 17:56

You call this person a friend? Really?

Feedthatgoat · 07/10/2023 18:01

I am retired and to be honest with you my husband often gets a ready meal for his dinner. He hasnt left me after 25 years of ready meals.

Imsureitsprobablymebut · 07/10/2023 18:06

She’s projecting her obvious insecurities onto you.
Batshit isn’t the word !

godmum56 · 07/10/2023 18:09

Aquamarine1029 · 06/10/2023 09:38

Stop talking to these batshit women.

this tout court

ALongHardWinter · 07/10/2023 18:13

Sounds exactly like the sort of thing that my ex MIL would have said!

ScottishWoman · 07/10/2023 18:20

Seems as though she's deflecting her own worries onto your situation and getting quite emotionally involved in it! She's clearly unhappy with her set up (obviously worried her man will leave because of these minor things). Sounds like you did a great job! Definitely get rid of that friend.

raffika · 07/10/2023 18:22

You need some new friends. Your current friends are setting feminism back 50 years, as well as damaging your self-confidence.

Given you’d had a long day and it was Friday, I’d have bought a nice ready meal or ordered a take away. I wonder how many points your batshit friends would have given me for effort?!

Perimenopausalmummy · 07/10/2023 18:29

Your "friend" is petrified her man will leave because of how his relationship ended with his wife and how they ended up together.
You are a million percent in the right and I would have told her to F off too.
I would hate to be in a relationship like hers.
Bet she walks on egg shells not to do anything she see's as a reason for him to leave.
You have a relationship that millions have and is the norm and are very happy in. Keep being you and maybe distance yourself from A

Wishbone436 · 07/10/2023 18:32

If you’re in the market for a married man, absolutely, she could be on the money. Her partners wife “didn’t do enough.. “ so she won! Now, rather than being in an equal, living relationship it sounds like she is constantly trying to keep up with being the best wife. Your relationship should wholly different. It sounds like you are in an equal and loving relationship, where you both play an active part. I wonder if she’s jealous of that?

Whatonearthdidicomeinherefor · 07/10/2023 18:34

YANBU

Misogynistic women make me even more cross than the male variety.

Find a better friend that doesn’t try to project her insecurities onto you.

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