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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset over my 40th?

35 replies

Mum83x · 06/10/2023 07:53

On Tuesday was my 40th I was really excited and looking forward to it for ages. My husband booked and paid for air bnb for me and close friends the weekend before which was lovely and I told him how much I appreciate it. On my actual birthday I got some really lovely expensive gifts. He kept asking what my plans were and I told him I had made plans because he was work but he insisted that he would only be at work for a couple of hours and wanted to spend it with me so I cancelled my plans. He the had an argument with my ds and ds went to school crying. Didn't hear from husband all afternoon and I didn't eat as I was waiting for him he then texted me at 1pm saying he wasn't emotionally in the mood after the fight with ds and it was now too late. The rest of the evening was really horrible with him being moody and snappy at me.

Things got really heated in the evening when after he had another go at me I went downstairs and cried I told him I just wanted to be myself for the last couple of hours of my birthday. He got really angry and charged at me to snatch the phone from my hands I kicked him away and he pinned me down and got a bit physical.
I'm so upset and can't stop crying. He keeps apologising and said he was in the wrong but I'm absolutely devastated. He said he put a lot of effort in to my birthday and he felt overwhelmed with my expectations I had of my birthday but all I wanted was to be treated with respect and kindess. AIBU?

OP posts:
londonrach · 06/10/2023 07:54

What do you mean physical..are you safe

StarboysMum · 06/10/2023 07:56

I would also be overwhelmed by your expectations of your birthday BUT your husband pinned you down and got a bit physical. Does that not cross a line for you? Has he ever been physically abusive to you before?

Pizzalover46 · 06/10/2023 08:00

He said he put a lot of effort in to my birthday and he felt overwhelmed with my expectations I had of my birthday

This is a weakly veiled excuse as to why he thinks its acceptable to be physically abusive. This in itself is emotionally abusive and manipulative.

None of these excuses give him the right to behave on such a way.

I'd be reconsidering the relationship. Once is enough to leave him over this behaviour and it doesn't matter how sorry he is - they're all "sorry", until the next time.

Zola1 · 06/10/2023 08:04

I don't think it sounds like your expectations were unreasonable. He's the one who got you to cancel your plans.
Does he often ruin special occasions? My ex would always ruin birthdays, Xmas etc because he basically just didn't like me being happy. Your partner assaulting you any day is abusive and not acceptable and on your 40th birthday is really sad.
You deserve better than this. Wanting your birthday to be special isn't an offence and you didn't do anything wrong.

Zola1 · 06/10/2023 08:07

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

AllUmder · 06/10/2023 08:07

Snatched your phone, pinned you down, got physical?

End of the marriage.

Zola1 · 06/10/2023 08:07

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Sorry wrong thread

JennaLi · 06/10/2023 08:08

Why would he or anyone here be overwhelmed with your birthday expectations? You told him you had plans, he told you he wants to spend it with you so you cancelled the plans, then he fucked you over being a brat and ruined your birthday. He sounds awful.

FrenchandSaunders · 06/10/2023 08:10

What was the argument with your son about? I presume he isn’t his dad.

BigDahliaFan · 06/10/2023 08:10

He’s a truly unpleasant human being isn’t he?

Buttoutofmywedding · 06/10/2023 08:11

I find this post so odd. It is presented as birthday plans going awry but then right at the end skims over physical assaults on both sides. What was the fight about with your ds?

xyz111 · 06/10/2023 08:17

There is no reason to be physical with someone ever, no matter how "overwhelmed" they might be. You need to get out of this abusive relationship.

MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly · 06/10/2023 08:17

How old is your DS? Does he normally make him cry before school? This behaviour and the "getting physical" are very worrying, the Birthday thing is a bit irrelevant.

I hope your DS is ok, I mean this kindly, but you are focusing on the wrong thing. If my husband made my son go to school crying I'd be having a good think about whether I wanted him in the house and I would be prioritising protecting my DS from that treatment. That's without the physical stuff that you also mentioned, which is another massive red flag.

littleripper · 06/10/2023 08:29

He attacked you. He assaulted you. Please do not minimise this.

Butterkist8 · 06/10/2023 08:33

You kicked him then he attacked you.

Separate.

Octobermeterreadtime · 06/10/2023 08:40

My dh ruined my 40th.. He was an ex before I was 41...
Can definitely recommend it op.

Lovethatforyouhun · 06/10/2023 08:45

Sorry OP. What a nasty memory for your birthday.
I think you need to take this next chapter of your life to reassess this relationship. He sounds like a violent bully. I hope you and your son are ok. He needs to go. Sorry.

AtrociousCircumstance · 06/10/2023 08:46

He physically attacked you. This is domestic abuse. OP it’s not ok. The birthday thing is a red herring. You need to end the marriage.

He also really upset your DS. This needs to end.

MsRosley · 06/10/2023 08:47

You have to leave him.

AbbeyGailsParty · 06/10/2023 08:49

Pizzalover46 · 06/10/2023 08:00

He said he put a lot of effort in to my birthday and he felt overwhelmed with my expectations I had of my birthday

This is a weakly veiled excuse as to why he thinks its acceptable to be physically abusive. This in itself is emotionally abusive and manipulative.

None of these excuses give him the right to behave on such a way.

I'd be reconsidering the relationship. Once is enough to leave him over this behaviour and it doesn't matter how sorry he is - they're all "sorry", until the next time.

This. 100%

Mariposista · 06/10/2023 08:52

The marriage is over. What a dick.
I hope your 41st birthday is much happier, spent with friends and your son, far away from this arse.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 06/10/2023 08:55

Pizzalover46 · 06/10/2023 08:00

He said he put a lot of effort in to my birthday and he felt overwhelmed with my expectations I had of my birthday

This is a weakly veiled excuse as to why he thinks its acceptable to be physically abusive. This in itself is emotionally abusive and manipulative.

None of these excuses give him the right to behave on such a way.

I'd be reconsidering the relationship. Once is enough to leave him over this behaviour and it doesn't matter how sorry he is - they're all "sorry", until the next time.

This.

Also, please remember that you had no expectations. You had made plans without him which you cancelled at his request. He then upset your ds, behaved like a twat all day before becoming aggressive (it wasn’t ‘physical’ it was violent).

Honestly there are so many red flags here. Is your ds his? Please get him out and look after yourself, this is unforgivable behaviour.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/10/2023 08:56

He got really angry and charged at me to snatch the phone from my hands I kicked him away and he pinned me down and got a bit physical.

The casual way you describe this suggests it or something has happened before?!

Stop crying and tell him to leave. Who gives a toss how much your presents cost?

Sugargliderwombat · 06/10/2023 09:14

He felt overwhelmed by the expectations of your birthday? What the fuck. He assaulted you and he is trying to blame you because you wanted a nice birthday? I hope you are safe OP, you know you need to leave this man.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 06/10/2023 09:17

Butterkist8 · 06/10/2023 08:33

You kicked him then he attacked you.

Separate.

He charged at her and she kicked him away.

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