Estranged family help

[hjwin]

Not sure if I’m within the right thread but I don’t really know what to do or whether to even do anything.

I won’t go into all of the details but since the age of 16 I haven’t seen my dad, I chose to not see him after extremely toxic behaviour on his part towards myself and my family. My mom and dad haven’t been together since I was very young and had bouts of not seeing him throughout my early teens. I’m his only child apart from his are children.

I’ve recently became a mom myself and it’s bothering me, extremely bothering me that he’s never tried to contact or reached out to me. I feel such a frustration and sense of anger towards the whole situation and him.
People have always said when you have children it makes you want to reach out but to be honest it’s just highlighted to me more of a sadness and frustration.

despite all this I do question whether it’s something I should do… reach out. More for the sake of my child to have a grandad in the future if things were to ever get there…
I’m really confused about it and was wondering what others would do or have done in this or similar situations?

TIA xx

Your feelings are understandable. I, too, come from a dysfunctional background, so I totally get it.

My only advice would be to try and arrange some counselling before you decide what to do.

You have just had a baby, so your hormones will be all over. I suggest the counselling as it would give you a platform of where you want to go.

You need to prepare for a possible rejection, and with just having a baby, it could affect you deeper.

Perhaps explore ways you could reach out without leaving yourself too wide open. Writing a letter with a photo is a boundaries start if you decide to go ahead with it.

I've got the t-shirt on therapy and family dysfunction, so you have my sympathy. I hope this helps

Why would you want your child to meet someone who was toxic to you? Why take the chance as he is probably unlikely to change

leave it alone

I wouldn't. He doesn't sound like he'd be much of a granddad. Don't set yourself up for more disappointment.

So I put YABU but hate to term it like that given the contents of your post. None of your feelings are unreasonable, neither your sadness or wondering if you are doing the right thing. If he was so toxic growing up, there is every chance he will be equally toxic to your children. I am sorry your kids dont have the grandfather they deserve, and very very sorry that you did not get the dad you deserve. What a sad situation for you. But good for you for having the strength to get away.

@keffie12 ah I’m sorry you’ve had similar situations. There’s just such a huge amount of conflicting feelings surrounding it.
I agree with your suggestion about counselling, I think this might be the best route for me to go down anyway just to get all my feelings in some sort of order.
A letter is actually a good idea, if I were to contact him I know o can get hold of his address pretty easily but like you said I think I should probably give myself some time due to recently having a baby. I definitely think a lot of these feelings are directly related to myself changing since becoming a mom and I don’t want to make any decisions that affect my feelings further. Thank you so much xx

@Tinkerbyebye I’ve definitely considered this, I know he could very well be the exact person he was to me back then, I consider it because time as past and there is that possibility that something could be resolved (my feelings towards him at least) there’s things I feel I need to hash out with him. I would never involve my child into it, only if things did progress in a positive way but way way down the road. I also know I’ll never have a ‘farther daughter relationship’ Thank you xx

@Millybob similar to the lady above, I totally get it, that’s why I’ve never contacted him because I know deep down it will end up in disappointment or rejection. I’ve just always assumed he would reach out to me and one day I’ll meet him to have things out with him, but this hasn’t happened snd since having a baby myself it’s unearthed emotions. Thank you for replying xx

@Atethehalloweenchocs ah thank you, I know and I think that’s what the saddest thing is for me, it’s not that I’ve never had a ‘dad’ it’s that my child will never have a grandad and one that she most definitely deserves, weirdly I guess that’s where a lot of my anger is coming from, literally as I’m writing this that part has hit me. I guess I’m being defensive of her, she’s the most amazing little human to me and to think she deserves soo much love from people she should get it from (she does from those in her life), yet there’s this man who is absent and doesn’t even care that she may exist!
I know he’ll prb be the same and ultimately is best to leave it all alone. Thank you, deciding to keep away from him at such a young age is definitely something I’m proud of myself for, it 100% took a lot of strength.