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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate driving so much

29 replies

hgbjhgb · 05/10/2023 21:44

I passed my test around 7 years ago now, and I still hate driving so much that I avoid it as much as possible. I have the car I always wanted growing up (a Mini Cooper) sitting on my driveway fully taxed and insured that I walk past to take the bus, when driving would save me over an hour each morning.

I constantly feel like I'm going to crash my car, or end up hurting someone. I'm observant but terrified to drive in my car alone as I don't trust myself to notice everything. People who sit in the car with me say I'm a good driver, and they don't know why I worry.

It's like it just doesn't come naturally to me, none of it. I don't know why I struggle so much with it. I'm educated with two degrees, I'm responsible and cautious but not hesitant. I just hate it so much

OP posts:
BunnyMummy91 · 05/10/2023 21:48

I feel like you should speak to someone (not in a horrible way at all) but maybe there is some underlying reason or something sounds like extreme anxiety, the fact you passed your test shows you can do it! Not pretending I love driving if I have a choice my partner is the driver but I still drive every day to work etc! If something is impacting your life it will benefit you to change it 🙏🏻 good luck!
Just to add on my first car and dream car was also a mini cooper 👌

Fieldofbrokenpromises · 05/10/2023 21:54

What’s the issue here? You seem to be reasonably settled without driving. Do you want to drive more?

78Summer · 05/10/2023 21:55

I was the same. Had some top up lessons and now I am back in the car. You will be fine as you are so careful and thoughtful.

AllUmder · 05/10/2023 21:55

This does sound extreme. I get a bit nervous driving somewhere really busy but I'm still a confident driver, as in, I don't feel I'm going to crash!

Could you do some extra driving lessons, like an advanced course, to get more confident?

When I first passed, I remember driving absolutely loads, Cotswolds to Brighton, Manchester to Swansea etc, as growing up my mum would only ever drive around our town and I wanted to prove to myself I wouldn't be like that!

AllUmder · 05/10/2023 21:57

Also, I think it's better you're careful than one of those awful arrogant drivers!!

MamaToABeautifulBoy · 05/10/2023 22:02

Well seeing as this is AIBU, I will say YABU! I absolutely love driving and DH and I often toss a coin as to who gets to drive as we both enjoy being behind the wheel so much.

When I get in my car I feel a sense of peace and relaxation wash over me.

Get back in your car. The more you drive, the more confident you will become.

Hawkins0009 · 05/10/2023 22:03

friend is similar in that they prefer not to drive when possible and prefer bicycling

cakewitch · 05/10/2023 22:07

I feel exactly the same.. its a constant low level anxiety whenever I get in the car. No idea why. And the poster that said it gets easier the more you do it, is wrong, in my case. It hasn't. And I don't know why.

JaneyGee · 05/10/2023 22:11

You’re not alone. Our roads are hellish now. I passed my test in 1996, and have noticed a big difference in the last ten years. To put it bluntly, there are too many people and too many cars. Even as I type I can hear the screeching and banging sound of idiot boy racers, who will no doubt wake me up during the night. Tomorrow, I have to drive from Essex to Norwich and am dreading it. I swear, I’m close to losing my nerve. Because the traffic is so bad, people are constantly late and constantly frustrated, and that makes them more aggressive and reckless.

funinthesun19 · 05/10/2023 22:12

I passed my test 13 years ago and haven’t driven a car since.

I’m booking myself in for some refresher lessons. I think I’ll do lessons for about 6-12 months as I want to be in a safe position to drive on my own, which currently I’m not.

I would get by perfectly fine without a car and I did so for a long time. Me and my older children got out to lots of places and I didn’t feel isolated due to having the good transport links.
But my youngest DC has suspected Autism and her behaviour means that walking everywhere and using public transport isn’t as easy as it used to be. So I need a car to easily and safely get us all from A to B.

In all honesty I wish I didn’t have to drive though. I can’t be arsed with the whole rigmarole of running a car and maintaining it. Plus I am nervous about driving again.

cansu · 05/10/2023 22:14

Do you need it? I don't love driving but it would seriously compromise my life to not do so. If you live in a city with good public transport maybe you don't need it

Feliciacat · 05/10/2023 22:15

You could have been me 9 years ago when I started driving. I literally felt sick with fear before driving and I always thought I was going to cause an accident. I rarely drove until I met DH three years ago. He has worse driving anxiety than me so I always drive as there’s no choice. Funnily enough, I’m not scared of driving anymore! Exposure therapy really does work!

Start making yourself drive an easy route twice a week (like to the shops or your favourite drive-thru) and get public transport the rest of the time. Then, whenever you’re ready, try a new route. You can add ‘safe’ routes over a period of weeks or even months. It’s also perfectly acceptable to take a slightly longer route to somewhere if it’s a less stressful route. Just be kind to yourself!

Sidenote as well, I have anxiety that I was in denial about. Counselling really helped me. If you’re this anxious about driving then I dare say this anxiety spills into other areas of your life? Free help is available. Most workplaces do six weeks of counselling plus there’s the NHS for counselling and more. It is painful to face the root of your anxiety and it feels worse before it feels better. It’s very worthwhile though.

bakewellbride · 05/10/2023 22:17

Same! Passed age 26. I'm nearly 34 now and absolutely hate driving! Driving my kids to a play date on Saturday and already dreading it. Getting dh to come and sit in passenger seat as terrified to drive alone. I just hate it and find everything about it so stressful.

GreenMushrooms · 05/10/2023 22:19

I'm the same. Driven for over 6 years with no accidents. License for over 12 years. I hate it every time and get huge nerves and related IBS before driving anywhere.

EveryKneeShallBow · 05/10/2023 22:21

Re: exposure therapy. Not always. I took a job that required me to drive every day all over the uk. About 20,000 miles a year. I was sure within a month I’d be confident and happy on the road. Nope. Two years later, stressed, sleepless, exhausted. I gave up the car and the job. Not driven since except in emergencies.

TerrysNeapolitan · 05/10/2023 22:31

JaneyGee · 05/10/2023 22:11

You’re not alone. Our roads are hellish now. I passed my test in 1996, and have noticed a big difference in the last ten years. To put it bluntly, there are too many people and too many cars. Even as I type I can hear the screeching and banging sound of idiot boy racers, who will no doubt wake me up during the night. Tomorrow, I have to drive from Essex to Norwich and am dreading it. I swear, I’m close to losing my nerve. Because the traffic is so bad, people are constantly late and constantly frustrated, and that makes them more aggressive and reckless.

I totally agree with you, I passed 1990 and live in Greater London by the M25 and it anything but a pleasure to drive here now.

ElleCapitaine · 05/10/2023 22:40

This was me! I got a job where I absolutely needed to drive and then the fun started. In the 3 months I had between one job ending and another starting I saw a hypnotherapist (useless. Don’t recommend) and two other driving instructors, one of whom let me drive round a scenic county at 8am on a Sunday morning while he nursed his hangover. I was nearly ready to rescind my acceptance when I phoned this instructor who turned out to me absolutely phenomenal. She took me round the local road for an hour and as the end she said, ‘you don’t understand roundabouts’ and that was it. She taught me roundabouts every day for a week, and it was easy after that. If you’re struggling, get an automatic. I have one now that they’re like driving a dodgem - so easy!

TerrysNeapolitan · 05/10/2023 22:42

My mother had similar anxiety over driving and she got an instructor to give her a few confidence lessons in her own car, it may help if you have someone professional in the car that can reassure you. There is nothing wrong with changing your mind about driving and choosing not to drive anymore if you are happy to use alternatives. As others have pointed out in certain areas definitely driving is nothing but a right headache anyway! Then there is the parking when you get there! Argh!

MidnightOnceMore · 05/10/2023 22:49

Some people don't like driving. It is known to be quite stressful.

You can either work on it or accept it - but both are valid choices.

It could be that you have a sensory difference, a perception difference, people are incredibly varied in how they experience visual and other information.

FrancisSeaton · 05/10/2023 22:54

Listen to some podcasts by Adam Goss specifically for driving . They are amazing

FrancisSeaton · 05/10/2023 22:54

Adam Cox sorry

DéjàMoo82 · 05/10/2023 22:55

I've been driving 4 years and it's only in the past year the crippling anxiety over it has eased. I moved jobs and had no choice but to drive every day. I know I'll never enjoy it though and if I'm going somewhere new I have to google map the route on street view the whole way first and always scrutinise the parking situation first. I used to feel ridiculous and an absolute failure but I've accepted now that it's just something I'll never be fully comfortable with. If there's a public transport option and I'm feeling anxious I will mostly choose that now and don't feel stupid for it like I used to. It helped that in my new job I got talking to a couple of colleagues and realised I'm not alone in this. I think it's more common than I realised.

OuiRagamuffin · 05/10/2023 23:01

Same, I hate driving. It took me 7 attempts in 2 different countries to pass. I have ADHD and I find some aspects of driving overwheming, eg, like when you are coming off a slip road and merging in to traffic, I find it hard to interpret what I see behind me in to the safe break to merge.
So I don't drive. Even though it was a goal for years. When I eventually passed, I realised, actually, buses, taxis, walking, this has all been fine for me. I dont want to kill myself or my kids or strangers.

Lot of hate on non drivers though 😲
I hate the narrative that you're an incompetent adult if you don't drive.

locean · 05/10/2023 23:17

Another apparently competent driver here but I am so anxious about it. I had loads of lessons, the money I spent to pass my driving test was ridiculous, and for what?
I have also had refresher lessons but it’s a different story in my own car. It would be useful, I’ll keep going for a while yet but it is a huge stress.

@ElleCapitaine I don’t understand roundabouts but glad you do now!
@Hawkins0009 I think cycling would be even scarier than driving!
@OuiRagamuffin there is so much claptrap spouted, of course driving is useful but if you can’t you can’t, I know plenty of very intelligent people who can’t drive. And plenty of very kind people who can’t drive and don’t deserve the scathing comments.

Hawkins0009 · 05/10/2023 23:19

locean · 05/10/2023 23:17

Another apparently competent driver here but I am so anxious about it. I had loads of lessons, the money I spent to pass my driving test was ridiculous, and for what?
I have also had refresher lessons but it’s a different story in my own car. It would be useful, I’ll keep going for a while yet but it is a huge stress.

@ElleCapitaine I don’t understand roundabouts but glad you do now!
@Hawkins0009 I think cycling would be even scarier than driving!
@OuiRagamuffin there is so much claptrap spouted, of course driving is useful but if you can’t you can’t, I know plenty of very intelligent people who can’t drive. And plenty of very kind people who can’t drive and don’t deserve the scathing comments.

it is at times, certainly risky especially the way some drivers pay attention to other road users