Not supported through grief

[Hereforthekickz]

A week ago I lost my FIL. He was elderly but it was unexpected.
I don’t know where to start really….
I have a mix of feelings, some I am struggling to process. My DH and I were close to him. It’s hard to put into words but I don’t feel like my immediate family care much about what we are going through. I feel let down and like we don’t matter. I am also very aware that grief can make you feel a million different emotions so maybe I am just lashing out at the wrong people. I don’t know but what I do know is that something feels wrong.

My DM is elderly and is a difficult person. We have grown apart as I have gotten older and she has some narc traits. When I called her the night he passed with the sad news, she said she was sorry, but then turned the conversation around to herself and how she fears her own demise. I ended the call short.

She messaged me a few times after asking how we were and told me to look after myself as the worst was still to come. Wait until you have to go to his house to empty it, she told me.

Then she went to stay at a relatives house for a week. I haven’t had any calls or messages since just asking how we are all doing.

Then there is my DB who stopped speaking to me a few months ago because I hadn’t responded to his message. Basically, he would only use a certain message system to contact me and my DM but I had a new phone and hadn’t downloaded the app (I forgot). He has my number to text or call but didn’t!! It wasn’t an emergency but he got angry at me and finally text me to tell me off and to say that I should only contact through our DM in future and that I had crossed a line and this was the price I would pay. I didn’t get a birthday card or text the week after to seal my fate.

Stupid me thought that, at a time like this, he would reach out, message me or send a card. My DH has been a BIL for 23 years. But I he hasn’t reached out and I am finding this very difficult to process.

The same goes for my DF. He never contacts me unless he needs a favour. I try and contact him and visit. I have always been there when he needs me. I called him to let him know the news and I haven’t heard from him in nearly 2 weeks.

I really don’t want this to sound like I am an attention seeker. I don’t want people flocking around, falling over themselves. We have had support from others and I have had it from friends who have listened. I just thought that the only 3 family members I have would be there. I feel like my grief doesn’t matter to them. That I must appear fine and without grief. Just a text to ask “how are you all”. I feel not worthy. Also embarrassed that my family haven’t shown up for my DH.

I feel disappointed 😔

It sounds like you've grown apart with all of your family, this probably explains their lack of empathy. Sorry for your loss.

I’m sorry for your loss. I’m not sure my brother would call if fil died (and I’m quite close to him). My parents would probably say “send our love to dh, sorry to hear the news, terribly sad etc” then move you a different conversation. Again, I’m close with my family but we’ve had a lot of very young, tragic deaths so older deaths are dealt with respectfully and kindly but in depth conversations wouldn’t happen. Mum and fil aren’t close and only meet at weddings and christenings. Usually the grieving is with the family so for fil, we’d be rallying round mil with bil and that side of the family. I guess we all have different expectations and I’m only saying this to highlight those differences and that they don’t necessarily mean lack of care or love.

when you found out you’d upset your db, did you make efforts to apologise properly? You know he only used one app yet forgot him, but this is his fault?

i have a feeling the family dynamics are more complex than the op but based on what you’ve said, I feel you are a little unfair. This may be wrong in further context but grief makes everyone feel different so if you need support, please do lean on friends or bereavement services.

It may be that they dont understand the impact on you, but in general I find people are really bad at supporting others through grief. I am so sorry you feel this way, sending you condolences.