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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not have a relationship with mum and sister

14 replies

notjustoneofthem · 05/10/2023 15:55

We've always been a close family growing up just me, mum and my sister and my mum liked it that way, she encouraged us to always put family first.

My sister (we'll call her E) pops in to mums most evenings with her dc.
I have always had a good relationship with both but last year I had a baby, my situation is different to E's as I have a husband and we enjoy spending time together as a family, whereas E's only family is me, my mum and her dc.

Things came to ahead after we had our baby when we started spending more time as a family and less at mums and E had a big problem with this.

I had to cut contact with E for various reasons mainly because the families enmeshment was suffocating me and I needed to break free, I also feel this was between me and my sister rather than my mum but my mum insisted that I make peace with E which ultimately led me to walk away from both.

Fast forward a year and I bump into my mum on the train, it was actually nice to see her, emotional and I felt a sense of regret that I'd not had her in my life so we chat and agree to put the past behind us.
Here's the thing I'm not sure how I feel about seeing E at the moment and would like to take it one step at a time, so I agree to just see my mum at first to see where things go which she agreed to but her then having spoken to E about it she decides that wouldn't be fair on E so she doesn't want a relationship with me without E as she won't let me come between the family.

I feel like walking away and staying stuff it I tried but Aibu to think my mum should be able to separate her relationship with each of her daughters?
Or is all or nothing the norm?

OP posts:
girlfriend44 · 05/10/2023 16:00

make it up with your sister for gods sake and stop putting your mum in an awkward position.

Life is short.

Mistressanne · 05/10/2023 16:04

girlfriend44 · 05/10/2023 16:00

make it up with your sister for gods sake and stop putting your mum in an awkward position.

Life is short.

Whoa!
You have no idea why Op is nc with E.

@notjustoneofthem How do you feel about E? Do you think you can happily go back to the status quo?
Is your dm scared of E?

kittybiscuits · 05/10/2023 16:13

Your mum is choosing not to have contact with you because her first loyalty is to your sister. It's not you breaking up the family. I would let her know that you're very hurt that she's choosing not to see you and get on with no contact.

Blueeyes13 · 05/10/2023 16:17

YANBU. It's perfectly possible to have a relationship with your mum and not with your sister. It's the same with me, DM and DB.

Blueeyes13 · 05/10/2023 16:19

Oh and it's also normal to prioritise your new family once you have a partner (and children).

notjustoneofthem · 05/10/2023 16:22

I do care for E she's still my sister but I find her smothering, she likes to know everything, be involved with everything and that's what I needed to move away from.
It's not as easy as just explaining to her, it's her nature and she wouldn't change.

OP posts:
ShellySarah · 05/10/2023 16:25

notjustoneofthem · 05/10/2023 16:22

I do care for E she's still my sister but I find her smothering, she likes to know everything, be involved with everything and that's what I needed to move away from.
It's not as easy as just explaining to her, it's her nature and she wouldn't change.

You don't need to tell her everything. Just ignore her or shrug when she asks invasive things. You don't have to tell her.

I'm cutting off my family as I've been pretty seriously mistreated especially so recently. I've been openly told by my sister she doesn't know me anymore and that I'm dead to her amd she never cared about me ever. She has no idea even where I work or who my friends are and doesn't want to know.

You're cutting them off as they're too interested? OK. Crack on.

notjustoneofthem · 05/10/2023 16:31

I know you're right, I just think it shouldn't be at the expense of my only parent.

OP posts:
Cowlover89 · 05/10/2023 16:35

I'm going to say yabu. Your lucky it's just that. Make up with her. I'm NC with my sister because she wished death on my unborn baby.

pandarific · 05/10/2023 16:49

Tell your mum that you’ll make it up with your sister and do so - however, mainly invite your sister out for a coffee or to the cinema etc on her own, and learn some techniques to push back/brush off nosey questions. Try to avoid seeing both your mum and her together, or if you do, pop in for a bit and then dash off again relatively quickly.

Ask your mum over on her own, arrange time for her and you just on your own too.

notjustoneofthem · 05/10/2023 16:54

I think I'm a private person who likes to keep myself to myself and such a close knit family isn't for everyone as lovely as it sounds it can be too much for some.
I do miss my mum but I can't have it both ways I guess.
I feel like E's personality has dictated the family dynamics and it's her way or nothing and mums fine to go along with that.
I do get it in a way, my mum is happy to have a relationship with me but on E's terms because she's there not me so she gets chose how we go forward.
I wish I hadn't seen her on the train really because I was happy and not giving it much thought up until then.

OP posts:
Zebedee55 · 05/10/2023 16:59

girlfriend44 · 05/10/2023 16:00

make it up with your sister for gods sake and stop putting your mum in an awkward position.

Life is short.

This. Stop being a drama llama and make it up with your sister, for your mum. You haven't got to tell her anything you don't want her to know, but just be a grown up here.

Highlyflavouredgravy · 05/10/2023 17:03

If your partner walks out on you, who will be there for you then?

Your poor mum.

Mamai90 · 05/10/2023 17:27

YABU.

There doesn't seem to be any legitimate reason for you to be NC with your sister other than she's too interested in your life.

I feel sorry for your Mum.

You'll regret this one day if you don't make peace with them. Trust me, I've seen it happen. Life is too short and you sound difficult imo.

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