Is this sexism?

[InstantCoffee88]

NC. I just want to know if I am being overly sensitive about scenario which played out at work.

Me and my colleagues had a web call to discuss the relevant attendees (for a meeting) on a client work project. The no. of attendees was capped at 6 (with 7 being a push), it was hotly discussed on who would attend. The 6 attendees were finalised (I was not included) but a senior manager pushed his case forward to the rest of the team, saying he knows a certain client contact well (but it was confirmed to him that his client contact would not be joining), nonetheless he pushed to emphasis his physical importance as a senior representative of our company, he did not contribute to any analysis on the project. It’s a fairy flat organisation and titles don’t play much importance (unless you have 100 people reporting to you, which he doesnt). I contributed toward the work and analysis of the project (and had executed a similar deal earlier in the year), so took my chance to ask “what about me? can I attend if we are pushing for more attendee”. I was faced with silence. Then the senior manager asked if there was already a female attending, to which a team member said yes one female was attending (1 female of 6 attendees), but female representation/ tokenism wasn’t my point, it was that I genuinely contributed and worked on the deal. The senior manager then joked that one of the shortlisted male attendees should wear a dress, to which 2 guys laughed, “yeah I’ll look good in a dress”. My own manager was on the call and kept quiet. On that call it was agreed that the 6 attendees was final and the senior manager would not join (nor I). I acknowledge my position in the project was at the bottom of the pecking order (of the 6 attendees) but certainly above the senior manager in terms of contribution.

The called the senior manager immediately and told him that I was really offended and why he presumed my possible attendance was to validate “female representation” and not work contribution and intellect. He said he was a jovial personality and did not mean anything by it, and apologised.

A few days after I found out that the senior manager did indeed end up attending the meeting, and he did not provide any valuable input (one of the attending colleagues informed me).

I asked my manager why he didn’t stick up for me, he said he didn’t want to stoke the fire. So I left it there.

This happened a month ago now, and I still feel uneasy and it has impacted my confidence.

I am right to think this was sexism and rightly sensitive about it. I have been working for 15 years and never faced this (fortunately!).

That is appalling.

As it was a month ago, I wouldn't think it would achieve very much by complaining about it now. If however, you were able to build a picture of multiple similar incidents via a diary and any other evidence, you'd be able to take it further.

Your DH saying 'don't rock the boat' is part of the problem btw.

You may well create problems for yourself by raising this issue in your current organisation. But that's not necessarily a reason not to do it.

If you can do it in the right way you may also be able to improve the situation for other current and future female colleagues. And also the company itself.

Do you have a HR department or similar? I'd want to have an informal chat with them, explain what happened like you have done here and ask for their advice.

Thanks for the feedback, I realise that I cannot do much since it happened over a month ago, I will make a note of it and do as Curiosity101 suggests.

I just can’t seem to shift it and move on as it has impacted my confidence.

Of course it’s sexism. When listing the other attendees did anyone ask is there already a man attending?

true, good perspective

I'm a male manager and I would be absolutely mortified if I heard that kind of chat from another male colleague.

Beyond assumptions, you can't say for sure that sexism played a part in who ultimately ended up in the meeting but you can absolutely call sexism on how the discussion was handled, joke or not. He apologised which is fair enough but you have no way of knowing whether he'll actually reflect on his behavior. The fact that no other man challenged it means there's definitely a bit of correction that needs to happen with the culture.

I don't think a month is too long, I think taking time to reflect and come to a conclusion make you seem measured. I think moments like that absolutely need to be addressed. It doesn't mean people need to be flayed alive and crucified but management need to model the kind of behavior and culture they expect within their organisation. If they don't take that seriously, then it's not the sort of place you want to work.

Wow, so the only value they see in a woman being involved, is to look PC? What a lovely company.

This is pretty bad. But it is hard to bring up a month later. Can you talk to your manager informally and get their perspective?