to send DS to nursery against dad's wishes

[letmeeatcrisps]

Kids' dad is/was emotionally & physically abusive towards me. It went to court and he pled guilty. Kids were born in Northern Ireland, by his choice, we had a very lonely and isolated life there. After the final assault, I moved with kids back home to England. My erstwhile solicitor (quite nastily) told me it is technically abduction to move away without his "written permission" - apparently attacking me in front of the kids while telling me to "F off and die" and "Leave now or Ill kill you" doesn't count..

We have a 2 & 4 year old. 4 year old is in nursery over here, her dad isn't happy and any time he speaks to her tells her "you dont have to go to nursery, nursery is keeping you away from daddy, come back and live with me and you can stay home all day". Luckily she loves nursery so this isn't really working, although it makes some mornings hard when she doesn't feel like getting ready, she says she wants to go and live with her dad.
I think her nursery experience is going great, she is happy every time I pick her up, learning fast, making friends, speaks really positively about it all.
I want to put the 2 year old in nursery, so I can go back to work. I am willing to pay from my savings. His dad is refusing, and sending me texts warning me that it's parental alienation / unilateral decision making.
It is obviously coercive control, to stop me from working, as he has done over the last five years. I would like to take it to court but solicitors / police are taking forever to get back to me.

Legally it appears unless I have primary custody of the kids I can't make decisions like sending them to nursery. Even though I do 100% of childcare, and when I have worked occasionally in the past year, I have brought both kids to work and organised the childcare myself.
It just seems so unfair that he can work as much as he wants (which is only 2.5 days a week!), and I have all the responsibility but no freedom to go back to work myself (I would work and earn significantly more than he does, if I could just get some time to update my CV and start job hunting).

AIBU to just put DS in nursery? Anyone know if it will it bite me on the arse legally? The children's services worker I spoke to said in the eyes of social services I have done all the right things to safeguard the kids, by leaving, finding a community of support, working with professionals and putting them in nursery. But the solicitors all say I am on the back foot for doing it without their dad's permission.

Sorry for the long post! I guess I just wanted some support. I feel like I'm going mad - there is a nursery 2 mins away, the staff are great, they have a place for DS, there's loads of jobs I'd love to apply to but I'm just stuck in SAHM limbo because of my abusive ex :(

Well done for getting out and putting your safety and your children's safe first. That's a huge step and one that you deserve all credit for.

If you have social services saying you've done the right things then keep engaged with them. You might want to make nursery aware of the history in case he tries to interfere. They might also need to be aware of some of the things he's saying to your DC in case the DC start responding negatively based on your ex's attempt to stir trouble.

You're trying to build a new and safe life for you and your children. Plenty of single parents make decisions for their children without their ex's involvement.

I would look for a different solicitor... I'm not a lawyer, but I struggle to see how you sending your child to nursery to enable you to work could be classed as 'parental alienation' or would in any way go against you, or that you would need the other parent's 'permission' to do it. Make sure you keep all his messages and a record of the things your DC are saying he says to them.

Ring Women's Aid: ask for their advice on the legal position and also for them to recommend to you a new solicitor with experience dealing with abusive men.

Do you have any contact orders in place or are you awaiting any court dates? Personally, without a court order, I would be going silent on him and not telling him anything. Id do what I wanted with my kids and bring them up how I wanted. I did this with my ex, he never took me to court and I just do as I please. He had no input in the kids school placements or anything, if he wants to contest it, he can take me court.

What custody agreement do you have? You can do what you like on your days surely?

Nursery (private/state/charity) or even a childminder as long as they are OFSTED registered counts as Early Years Education.

Put her in it. In fact once the other one is near 3 put them in it as well.

When it comes to choosing a school for your child apply to any school within reasonable distance from your home.

His father will then need to object to you putting your children in these places but will have to go to Court to do so. (And probably won't win.)

Hi OP

It might help get you thr info you want if you provide a bit more context -

What are custody arrangements
Was this court ordered
How is it that he is still speaking to you

On the face of it I can't see that anyone would think that someone who lives in a different country to their child, or doesnt see them often, has any say in them going to nursery

And it's him that is alienating your child by telling her that if she doesn't like her mums choices she can live with him. That's disgusting

Put your DS in nursery. You don't need permission. Let your ex take you to court over it if he wants to, which he probably won't - he's just saying this to try and control you, he won't succeed and any solicitor worth their salt will tell him as such.

If your ex makes a fuss tell him that you've put him in nursery so you can work and then disengage.