Getter grumpier and more irritable the older he gets

Fran2023 · 05/10/2023 09:15

He sounds like a nightmare. Selfish and horrible to be around. The issue is very definitely him, and, like you, I would struggle to live with him.
He needs a wake up call.

EVHead · 05/10/2023 09:19

He doesn’t need to agree to separate. You can make it happen. Ducks in a row time.

You get one life - this situation is not going to improve if he’s not willing to make changes. Is this what you want for your remaining time on Earth?

5128gap · 05/10/2023 09:27

He's getting older and feeling the effects of it. But rather than take responsibility to improve his health and well being with good habits, diet, excercise, clean living, medical help where needed, he's making himself worse with self medication and casting the blame for his decline outwards.
At middle age so much of how you feel is down to how you choose to live and the level of care you give to your body and mind, which only he can choose to do.
If I still loved him I'd point this out and encourage him to change, while making it absolutely clear I and the children would no longer tolerate his behaviour.
If the behaviour had killed my feelings or there was no change, I'd leave, because that would be necessary for my own self care.

CurlewKate · 05/10/2023 09:38

Don't blame his age. He's a dick.

LunaNorth · 05/10/2023 09:40

Kick him out.

AluckyEllie · 05/10/2023 09:43

leave him. You are doing 95% of childcare anyway so you’ll actually find life much easier without that lump sucking all joy out of life. Imagine ten years time, daughters moved out and you are spending your retirement with him!

DuploTrain · 05/10/2023 09:44

This is really sad to read OP. You don’t have to live like this for the next 20 or 30 years.

And your DC shouldn’t have to put up with it either.

If you’re looking for someone to tell you that it’s bad enough to consider leaving, then yes it is.

PaminaMozart · 05/10/2023 09:47

I have told him over the past few years that we should split up/separate for a while but he won’t agree?

It's not up to him to agree though, is it...

What's actually stopping you from filing for divorce and start living?

Calminacrisis · 05/10/2023 09:55

Totally agree with previous poster - you get one life. Please don’t wake up in ten years next to an even more miserable arse. He will suck all joy out of your life and, importantly, your daughter’s.

My exH was an utter misery, could find the cloud for every silver lining and everything, EVERYTHING, he found wrong with his life, was somehow my fault.

Your self- esteem will be taking a massive hit, and as you have described doing the majority of childcare (and presumably mental load for the home?) you will find once you leave/kick him out and you aren’t living under his oppressive dark cloud, sunshine and confidence comes back into your life.

NoNoHellaNoNoHellaNoNo · 05/10/2023 09:57

Well, he sounds great. You should definitely stay in this marriage.

Seriously, what is keeping you in this relationship? I’d work out my exit strategy and then implement.

Lentilweaver · 05/10/2023 10:18

DH is 55 and is getting somewhat grumpier, mostly because he is finding working quite tiring. However
he takes very good care of his health and consults doctors
does not drink at all
we have an exit plan as he plans to retire by 58
he definitely does not grump the whole day.
our children are older, so no childcare

This sounds very difficult. Time for an ultimatum.

Lentilweaver · 05/10/2023 10:27

I should add that nearly all my friends this age complain of grumpy husbands who blame them for everything from their jobs to their health. Why do men do that?

Newestname002 · 05/10/2023 10:28

@Strawberrycream1

I have told him over the past few years that we should split up/separate for a while but he won’t agree?

He doesn't have to agree though, and he won't because you are doing all the drudgery in keeping family life going, except for his actual working job. He also doesn't believe you as you've broached this over the years and nothing's changed for the better.

Your young child is being affected by your husband's poor behaviour.

Perhaps you could discreetly research (ie: don't discuss with him until you've done your research and seen a family law solicitor and ready to officially serve him notice to divorce) how you could manage financially without him.

Don't live the rest of your life and the rest of your child's childhood like this. 🌹

ssd · 05/10/2023 10:29

Mine doesn't. Hes 60.

5128gap · 05/10/2023 11:27

Lentilweaver · 05/10/2023 10:27

I should add that nearly all my friends this age complain of grumpy husbands who blame them for everything from their jobs to their health. Why do men do that?

Mostly i think its when they look at themselves and don't much like what they see any more, when they reach the age where there's more behind than ahead and realise, this is me now, the course of my life is largely set, and I'm neither the millionaire silver fox i expected to be, or the strong virile 25 year old with it all ahead, they look for someone to blame.
Others who have risen to some form of authority are so taken with the idea of themselves as a Very Important Man who intimidated young colleagues pander to all day long, that they expect to get away with it at home.

Lentilweaver · 05/10/2023 11:33

But women also have to come to terms with all those hard truths!

5128gap · 05/10/2023 12:16

Lentilweaver · 05/10/2023 11:33

But women also have to come to terms with all those hard truths!

I find that typically women have more realistic expectations of what life owes us. So when we get to our 50s and our lives are not perfect we are more likely to either be philosophical about it, or even blame ourselves, than accuse others of robbing us of what we consider our entitlements.

TroglodytesTroglodytes · 05/10/2023 12:31

I think a lot of this comes down to the drinking/drug use. If he insists on doing this daily, things aren’t going to get better. He will get even worse.

GinAndJuice99 · 05/10/2023 12:34

The reason he's like this is because he's hungover all the time. If you're feeling kind you could give him an ultimatum - a final chance to change before you dump him

Fulshaw · 05/10/2023 12:36

Agree with the last two PP - the drinking everyday will not be helping at all.

123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 05/10/2023 12:39

i am so sorry, i could literally have wrote that myself a couple of weeks ago. i have just put my foot down and said 'I am done, i am so unhappy there is no point in continuing' this gave him a bit of a shock to the core so we agreed he has up until xmas and i expect help in the house, an agreed number of days NOT in the pub and less of the whining as it is such an unattractive quality. 2 weeks in now and seems to be working so fingers crossed. Maybe try not talking to him, talk at him for a change and outline exactly what you expect and the consequences if he wont or doesnt want to delivery....Good luck OP

Nanny0gg · 05/10/2023 13:09

Strawberrycream1 · 05/10/2023 09:12

OH is 54 and always been a bit moody but the last few years this has ramped up so much that he is constantly moody, irritable, making snide comments, huffing and puffing, sighing and always has something wrong with him (but refuses to go to doctors)
It’s driving me mad, this year has been really really bad, to the extent that our 9 yr old says to me what is daddy moaning about now?
He will complain from the moment he gets up, - oh another f@£king day/here we go again/when child asks how are you daddy - a snarky full of the joys of Spring will be replied or yes I had a wonderful sleep in a really snide tone.
I have tried speaking to him many times about it, what’s wrong and also about how it’s wearing me down.
He has loads of free time, I do 95% of child care, school drop offs, clubs, school holidays care (I have to always book time off). He goes to pub after work every day and weekends (never home) but always tired and falls asleep on sofa at anytime of the day eg. Gets up on a Sunday lies on sofa and sleeps from 10 to almost 12 then goes out of rest of the day. He has no hobbies, doesn’t go shopping, buy stuff etc.
He does go outside and smoke drugs and drink every evening to help him sleep apparently but it obviously doesn’t. I now dread him getting in each evening as the huffing and snarky comments start, I’ve started trying to stay out of his way but he seems to be worse. He changed jobs last year and does do a lot more driving now (less physical work) as he said he can’t cope with local but more physical work.
He turns a lot around on me and says I’m moody and hard to live with etc but if I try to talk to him it’s like stepping on eggshells. I have told him over the past few years that we should split up/separate for a while but he won’t agree?
If ever I’m ill he is even worse and is constantly holding his head in his hands and has a headache or something but if ask he says nothings wrong.
We have a very small mortgage only a few thousand on CC, no other debts etc

Why are you making your children live with a depressed druggie?

How much is he drinking too?

He doesn't get a choice. Go and see a solicitor

GingerIsBest · 05/10/2023 13:12

He's an abusive alcoholic. He's grumpy whenever he has to a) do something and b) isn't drinking.

I'd end it.

I'd also be very careful about ensuring he doesn't drive your DC anywhere - I suspect he's over the limit a lot.

Lentilweaver · 05/10/2023 13:30

I clearly need my second cup of coffee because I misread the post and didn't see he also takes drugs daily. My response was also way too mild; no idea why!

You need to leave. He's an addict.