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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Work event and breastfeeding

40 replies

Itsmyshadow · 04/10/2023 20:14

DC 18 months old is a terrible eater and sleeper. I have two older DDs who ate and slept really well from a young age and he has totally humbled me in both regards and made me realise how lucky I was with the girls.

As a result of the poor eating and sleeping I’m still breastfeeding him. This was never my intention but he barely eats at nursery and it ensures he gets a good feed in the evening (he still often feeds for 2 hours on days he doesn’t eat much 😩) and it’s my only way of getting him back to sleep when he wakes at 5am.

When I returned to work I told my boss I was still breastfeeding. Quoted the Equality Act 2010 (I work for a large multinational - I knew that would be enough to get the flexibility I needed 🤣) and said all I needed was to be on a certain train home every night and the flexibility to leave work early if it was cancelled. All good.

My commute is 1.5 hours. I work a lot with people from our US office and they are visiting in a couple of weeks. Boss has arranged for us to go out for dinner near the office and I’ve said I can’t come due to needing to put DC to bed.

Boss is early 50s and male. It was awkward disclosing breastfeeding in the first place so I haven’t told him I’m still doing so months later, but he probably knows as I dash out the door every time I’m in. Anyway, he’s said nothing wrong but he’s evidently disappointed I won’t be going, and was asking what time I have to put him to bed etc. To be honest it would be useful if I went as these are key working relationships and work is so busy they’re a little strained at present.

So AIBU if I don’t go? DC will take a bottle from me (he has one before I BF) but won’t take it from DH so he may well be going to bed not having eaten much all day and then not having any milk either. He can and does settle himself when he doesn’t fall asleep on the feed, but he’s never once not seen me at bedtime and I’d be 1.5 - 2 hours away depending on trains if he was really upset.

If I don’t go, what do I tell my US colleagues who are just going to think I’m
being rude? With limited mat leave in the US I’m not sure breastfeeding a toddler is the done thing over there (plus they’re all either older or male).

OP posts:

MuggleMe · 04/10/2023 20:23

Hmm, if you don't want to risk it, don't feel pressured by work to stay. But I would say if you want to attend, he'll likely be ok without you, perhaps some favourite snacks can be offered by DH and you could do a dream feed when you get back.

gotomomo · 04/10/2023 20:28

Personally I would go to the event, without you present dc will eat if hungry enough and you always feed when you get back if needed

EasterIssland · 04/10/2023 20:33

You don’t have to fully disclose it. Just say evening meals are tricky for you because you’ve got a child and they’ve to accept it. It’s not within your working hours. I tend not to go to evening meals as it’s difficult and they’ve to accept it. We’ve got more life than work

if the boss wanted it to be easy for everyone to attend it’d make it in working hours

Neuilly · 04/10/2023 20:38

despite less mat leave and fear of the word breast, hence their calling it nursing, bf rates are higher in the US including ‘extended’ (past 1 year) feeding.

I would go to the dinner and wish DH luck. One night is going to be fine. It might be a turning point?!

YouveGotAFastCar · 04/10/2023 20:38

Can DH meet you near the event, so you can feed DC after work but before dinner? That's what I'd do. I don't think it'd do much harm for him not to have the feed once, at that age, but if you don't want to do that, find a way to feed him between both so you can go to the dinner too.

It should be absolutely fine not to go - and it sounds like it is, really - but you're right that it will impact on work and client relationships. With all the will in the world, even if nobody questions it, you won't be there for the "bonding" time. If they aren't common events, I'd try hard to make this one work.

Don't beat yourself up about how long you're feeding for, either. I'm about to take DS on a work trip with me as he still breastfeeds, he's 21 months. He won't cause any harm, I'll still give my utmost at work, my day won't be interrupted, I'll go to the dinners and evening activities, but he'll have me at night when he still needs to feed.

YourNameGoesHere · 04/10/2023 20:39

I would try to go to the meal. He has never had the chance to settle without you and at 18 months with him being a poor eater it might be a good time to try and see if he will settle and eat with the knowledge that milk is an option.

At some point you're going to try so now seems as good a time as any.

Neuilly · 04/10/2023 20:40

Only thing is are you going to have to pump if he’s still a big feeder? I would have been fine by that age but I never really suffered engorgement past the first few weeks. Plan to pump if you need and don’t assume it will be fine or you might be uncomfortable

Mydustymonstera · 04/10/2023 21:04

you Will get to the point where you want to put yourself first whether that’s for your career or friends or hobbies. It sounds like it could do your career a little damage not to go to this meal, when this is an age and stage where it’s completely appropriate to be getting out and about and missing the odd bedtime.

im speaking from similar experience - I went on a work trip away overnight when my bf 2nd DD was about 15 months. I’d never been away from her more than a couple of hours before going back to work 3 months earlier, and she still fed to sleep, again in the early am, and co slept. And I hadn’t left my older daughter overnight at that sort of age.
but you know what? It was fine. My career benefitted so in time, we all did. She went back to her usual bf habits once I got home, supply was fine (and weirdly I don’t remember having to pump, I suspect it was flexible enough by then?? Or I did and have forgotten that) and I finally weaned her some time in the following year.

its your choice but in the many compromises of work and family, this might not be a hill to die on?

Cowlover89 · 04/10/2023 21:10

I would go to the meal. Let DH settle him

Flyhigher · 05/10/2023 05:52

I think you need to wean him off the breast. It's not sounding healthy. He must be walking by now. He needs some solid food. He has to take bottles from DH. He is ruling your lives. And affecting your work and relationships. Your DD's must be shut out a lot. I would pump much more and get DH to give bottles. He is using this as comfort. Does he go to nursery? And eat with other kids? You must be utterly exhausted. A 1.5 commute and breastfeeding this demanding boy. It's too much. I think you must be at breaking point. And this can't be enough food for him. What food have you tried him on? Can he feed himself with a bottle? They can hold bottles at this age. Mine pretended she couldn't. But at nursery she did.

Flyhigher · 05/10/2023 05:57

Why doesn't he eat at nursery? Could you move him? Is the food bad? Or is he unhappy there?
Does he eat well at home?

stayathomer · 05/10/2023 05:59

Whatever about the feeding, surely a ‘can’t make it’ when at night time should be sufficient?

Flyhigher · 05/10/2023 06:01

How old was he when you returned to work? I feel for you. This must be so hard. But you have to try and get him off 2 hour feeds at night. Do you all eat together at night? With your DD's? 5am wake ups are no good either. He needs solid food. We did lots of creamy milk like desserts and pasta based stuff. Will he not eat any of that?

Flyhigher · 05/10/2023 06:13

YANBU but you are probably not helping your career and your DC needs to settle with others. Try someone else settling him another night. You need time away. Your mother or your sister? Or your DH.

MargotBamborough · 05/10/2023 06:17

I would go.

If your child is hungry enough, they will accept a bottle from your husband.

autiebooklover · 05/10/2023 06:21

You do need to work on him settling with dh. Have you not had an evening out since baby was born? I'd start small - pop to a friend/relatives close by so you can get home if desperate . Let dh manage with bottle then see how it goes . Do that a few times so he can get use to it. Do the meal if u think it will work otherwise decline but go next time.

PerfectMatch · 05/10/2023 06:26

I would try to go to the event - not to please your boss but to benefit your working relationships. I'm sure DH will be ok for one evening by offering food / milk / cuddles etc.

Mariposista · 05/10/2023 07:06

Go to the event.
Your child will not die or spontaneously combust after one night out of his routine (which sounds like he needs weaning off). It may be a hell night for your husband but let's be honest you are all being put through hell anyway! Things need to change.

PinkyPork · 05/10/2023 07:07

Just go, your DH will be fine for one night. You need to try it eventually and this seems like a good opportunity.

Both my kids have been really into breastfeeding and feed to sleep (and I'm currently still feeding a 21 month old) and I've always been pleasantly surprised how well they settle for bed when I'm not there. Including my first who was an awful awful sleeper.

theduchessofspork · 05/10/2023 07:18

I do think you need to go - it’s an important work dinner and it’s part of your job. Leaving work at a certain time is a reasonable work adjustment - skipping a key client dinner isn’t, and your boss will be justifiably pissed off.

My experience of working in the US is that they are champion pumpers - women often only get 3 months maternity even in big multinationals, but it’s very common to express and BF to about a year. BF would be no excuse for skipping a work dinner after 6 months.

Your son will be ok with your husband for an evening, even if they have a bit of a bumpy ride, it’s not a huge deal.

With kindness OP I think you and your husband need to tackle this together. At the very least, there is no reason your son shouldn’t take a bottle from your husband. Moving babies and little kids through different stages always involves a bit of a rough ride, but it does need to be done. I have nothing against BF older babies and toddlers but in all honestly the degree to which you are doing this does sound like like it is getting in the way of him building good eating habits, and must be exhausting you and impacting on family life. Work with your husband on this one - it’s a joint responsibility.

Chocolatepopcorn · 05/10/2023 07:32

Just putting this out there gently - maybe one of the reasons he's not a great eater is you're still feeding him. An old Irish saying is 'hunger is a good sauce'. I'd say cut out the breast feeding and if nothing else, get dh to practise giving him the bottle.

Fireisland · 05/10/2023 07:39

I BF DD until she was 2 so am obviously very pro-BFing, but even I think that not being able to go out in the evening at 18mo is ridiculous.

You may not have to attend the dinner but in reality it's not going to do your career much good. Just leave your child with your DH and let him deal with it!

Ffsnotaconference · 05/10/2023 07:54

we have a similar event coming up. There’s no pressure to attend the event. People aren’t being judged for not coming. No one attending is breast feeding so it’s not the same one. But we have very Senior people from the US coming over.

However, it’s natural that these things do impact careers. The dinner is when people form relationships other than just someone attending a conference. You have a chat with someone, more in-depth than during the event. You get to know people better and form better relationships with them. Networking can be annoying and frustrating, but people who do the networking will find it helps.

I wouldn’t judge you for the reason. I wouldn’t judge you for not attending. But it will have impacts. I think I would do what I could to attend.

But then I am not sure I would be happy to never be able to go out on an evening or having to be home by (as an example) 5pm everyday either.

PinkRoses1245 · 05/10/2023 07:57

Honestly you need to go, and use this as a reason to get DC to take a bottle from your DH. If DC is hungry they’ll eat / drink. Most calories should be from food anyway now.

PinkRoses1245 · 05/10/2023 07:58

not just for work but don’t you want some freedom in the evenings? What do you do when you have evening plans like dinner or hobbies?

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