Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Parent manipulation

12 replies

BurnoutGP · 04/10/2023 17:33

I'm not new. Have been around for many years on and off with different names. I understand AIBU and am genuinely wanting to her different views.
I am the eldest of 3DC. I am in my 50s. My DM is dead. My relationship with my DF and SM is difficult. I am the only child who has any contact with them.
They were expats and returned to the UK 7yrs ago to my city. On the face of it to be close to me and my DC and help. They have never provided any support.
They live in a flat which they bought with my grandmother's inheritance 15 yrs ago.
Last year I discovered they hadn't actually bought the flat. They put a small deposit and have an interest only mortgage. They also never paid the interest and have a government benefit then loan to cover it.
The capital is due next year and they have no way to pay it. They have asked me to help.
I am a single parent and have a good job but some debt and one child in uni and another soon to be.
It is unlikely I would even get a mortgage but I really don't want to put myself in a difficult situation financially. I am working hard to clear my debts.
My father was a dick distant and negligent at best but really abusive and aggressive. He made my mother's life a misery and made her crazy
My sibs have nothing to do with him. I have a superficial civil relationship with him. My DC have a relationship with them and we do see them every few weeks.
They really are being very manipulative asking me to help and needing me to deal with the mortgage and loan company.
I am a fixer by personality but I am feeling so stressed and upset I have been dragged into this.
They are 80 and 75 of sound mind, no illnesses of significance, have worked and lived normal lives.
AIBU to really not want to be involved in their mess.

...

OP posts:

Tinkerbyebye · 04/10/2023 17:36

So just say no sorry can’t help and leave it at that

Octobermeterreadtime · 04/10/2023 17:38

Do not listen to any promises of it being your inheritance at some time if you help out.. Don't be sucked in op. Put your finances and your dc first..

StrawberryWater · 04/10/2023 17:51

Say you can’t afford to help.

LittleOwl153 · 04/10/2023 17:59

Help them by suggesting they'll need to sell the flat to pay off the loan - unless they want to wait for it to be repossessed, and then help them get onto the council/ social housing list - probably not the help they want but that's all you can offer.

DO NOT put yourself in any financial relationship with them.

Lavenderosa · 04/10/2023 18:04

Oh my goodness - no you should not help them financially. Your father made your mother's life a misery and he'll do the same to you. Don't let him! He made this mess and he can get himself out of it. He may be 80 but he's not incapable of selling the flat and renting something instead. If they can't afford to rent where you live, then they can go somewhere cheaper instead. Please don't be manipulated by such a horrible person.

Briefhistory · 04/10/2023 18:13

Hi, I’m in a similar position, DM dead and relationship with my DF strained & demanding. Never any support here, either. You have my sympathies. Stay firm with your decision. Personally I would say no but you will have to be v strong & prepared to hear lots of negotiating & complaining.

If they hadn't actually bought the flat, it’s their risk, not yours. You’ve got financial independence & it’s toxic of them to expect you to bail them out at your expense.

But I know from my own experiences that it’s easy to say this stuff but harder to do it, especially when your hard earned achievements are undermined.

Lilyhatesjaz · 04/10/2023 18:19

They have the advantage of being able to rent in housing designed for over 60s. So more likely to be able to find somewhere else you should leave them to it

StripeyDeckchair · 04/10/2023 18:21

Stay well clear
Do not lend them a penny
Do not co sign any documents or provide any guarantees for them

They know exactly what they're doing and are being the ultimate CFs
You have children & your own future and you need to protect them. If it means your father goes no contact with you I'm doubt it will be a great loss.

pigsDOfly · 04/10/2023 18:31

This is not your problem.

As pps have said, do not lend them any money or help them in any way. Do not deal with the mortgage company. Do not get involved in any way.

Do not be manipulated by them. They need to sort this out themselves.

They will drag you into the situation and use you to pay their way.

When they got the interest only mortgage they knew what they were agreeing to; probably with the idea that someone like you would bail them out. They will just have to sell the flat and then rent something.

You need to look out for you and your own family.

The best thing you could do is to walk away and distance yourself from them now before they can put any more pressure on you to help.

VickyEadieofThigh · 04/10/2023 18:42

I have only one question for you: Why the FUCK would you even consider it?

takealettermsjones · 04/10/2023 18:43

No way should you get involved with this. Point them in the direction of the nearest financial advisor and then say "no, sorry, I can't help" every time it's brought up.

Createausername1970 · 04/10/2023 18:47

Its hard because of their age I guess. But you can't be expected to help as they haven't been particularly close to you in the past.

I would suggest pointing them in the direction of a Citizens Advice and telling them you don't have the expertise to deal with this type of financial situation and you don't want to accidentally make things worse for them.

Flip