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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel uncomfortable around DSS

22 replies

nakata5 · 04/10/2023 14:07

DSS is 18 and lives here, we stopped seeing him as much in his teens as his moved 2 hours away but he's been living here since he left school in June and now works in our area.

Myself and DH have a 7 year old DD and we all get on well. DD adores DSS. However, I've noticed on his phone that his lockscreen has women just in bikinis. He uses the iPad a lot as his has broken and regularly in the search history there's a lot of porn. He has mentioned in the past his stepdad used to say women should do things for men and he now has seems to agree. DH has tried speaking to him about these opinions but he doesn't seem to listen. He's even started asking DD to get him drinks etc as well as asking me to tidy his room and make lunch for him, his chore has always been washing up but he's recently not been doing it and has told me to do it instead.

AIBU in being uncomfortable around him? I don't want him living here anymore but I know that I would be U to kick him out.

OP posts:
OhComeOnFFS · 04/10/2023 14:12

That would make me really uncomfortable, too. In fact I wouldn't want my daughter in a room with him on his own, tbh.

swanteapot · 04/10/2023 14:17

YANBU to install some clear boundaries around what is and isn't acceptable. A frank discussion whereby you explain expected behaviour and what isn't ok to request from you and DD. If these boundaries aren't complied with then you may want to think about what's the next step and if he could be asked to leave. I wouldn't want to live with him either and at 18 you could reasonably ask him to find somewhere else to live, with some notice.

mbosnz · 04/10/2023 14:18

I'd be telling him and DD that DSS needs to get his own drinks etc, as he needs to be able to do such things for himself, and not expect other people to do that for him.

I'd be telling him that in this house, it is his job to keep his room tidy, and to make his own lunch, and if such things are not done, there will be consequences - such as going hungry, loss of wi-fi, ipad etc.

I'd be reminding him that his contribution to the household is to do the washing up, and if this is not done, again there will be consequences.

I'd be telling his father to tell his son in no uncertain terms the above, also, and to light a bomb under his son's butt anytime he hears his son trying to pull this misogynistic shit.

I wouldn't be feeling uncomfortable around him, I'd be feeling incandescent around him!

Crumbcatcher · 04/10/2023 14:22

You need to block adult content on your internet settings. It's his business what he views, but not on your network and devices.

xILikeJamx · 04/10/2023 14:24

No doubt been sitting watching Andrew Tate videos

MustBeNapTime · 04/10/2023 14:29

I think you have 2 main issues here. The porn and the laziness. Although I do know that the use of porn can result in them having a warped view of a woman's role depending on what they are watching so they are kind of connected and it's not going to help that the stepdad has reinforced these kind of views.

However, with regards to the porn, he's 18 so of course naked / half-naked women are on his mind and nowadays with access to the internet it's on tap. However, I would tell him flat out, he does not go on it on your iPad. He can buy his own for that since he is working.

With regards to the laziness, I would be laughing in his face if he asked me to do anything for him with a snort and a "Who do you think I am, a slave? Go get it yourself!". I'd do the same if I heard him saying that to my daughter. I wouldn't particularly be asking his dad to step in on my behalf, if he's living under my roof, then I'm going to be saying my piece as and when necessary. However, his dad needs to be having a general word on respectful behaviour and modelling stepdad's view is totally unacceptable. And if he doesn't like it, or doesn't want to do his share of the chores, he is welcome to move out and get himself a house share.

Desperateinseattle · 04/10/2023 14:31

OhComeOnFFS · 04/10/2023 14:12

That would make me really uncomfortable, too. In fact I wouldn't want my daughter in a room with him on his own, tbh.

This

FrenchandSaunders · 04/10/2023 14:32

An interesting in porn and bikini clad women doesn’t make him a paedo!

However he does sound like a lazy arrogant arse so that needs addressing.

Original poster
nakata5 · 04/10/2023 15:42

DH spoke to him about the porn but his reply was to buy him his own iPad then

OP posts:
BristolBlueGlasses · 04/10/2023 15:50

His dad needs to give this lad a rocket up his arse. If he doesn't pull his weight and toe the line he can leave.

somethinghastochangesoon · 04/10/2023 15:52

BristolBlueGlasses · 04/10/2023 15:50

His dad needs to give this lad a rocket up his arse. If he doesn't pull his weight and toe the line he can leave.

This 100%.

His Dad needs to step on and handle his views on women.

MrsMara · 04/10/2023 15:54

I wouldn't want this lad around my young daughter.

Hankunamatata · 04/10/2023 15:56

House rules and chores. He does them or moves out

Marblessolveeverything · 04/10/2023 15:59

I would start by your DH having a word - because if he is not addressing this disturbing behaviour , he is being complicit.

The porn - fine but in private not on shared devices end of - it is a child protection issue and I would not sugar coat what I would bring down on him if he exposed my child unintentionally.

Second he needs a sharp lesson that if he wants to be in a place where women are second class - it isn't in your home. And this needs to be loud and consistent from his father.

I also would not be allowing my 7 year old unsupervised with him - more to do with the nonsense he may spout!

MustBeNapTime · 04/10/2023 16:09

nakata5 · 04/10/2023 15:42

DH spoke to him about the porn but his reply was to buy him his own iPad then

And what was his dad's reply?

ExtraOnions · 04/10/2023 16:12

Lock the iPad
say “no” when he asks you to do something for him

jolaylasofia · 04/10/2023 16:12

FrenchandSaunders · 04/10/2023 14:32

An interesting in porn and bikini clad women doesn’t make him a paedo!

However he does sound like a lazy arrogant arse so that needs addressing.

Quite! i'd say it's very normal for an 18 year old man.

AgnesX · 04/10/2023 16:13

nakata5 · 04/10/2023 15:42

DH spoke to him about the porn but his reply was to buy him his own iPad then

Spoilt brat. He shouldn't access porn on the family iPad if you're unhappy with the idea. Easiest way is to restrict via the router.

If he doesn't like it hard cheese.

ManateeFair · 04/10/2023 16:13

He should not be telling you (or anyone else) to do things for him. He's an adult and he needs shut the fuck up and do things for himself, and he needs to do his share of the chores. This shouldn't be negotiable. However, it's your DH who needs to step up and deal with this. What does DH do/say when his son orders you to tidy his room or tells you to wash up? You say DH has tried to speak to him about it, but he obviously hasn't spoken about it very effectively or firmly.

The iPhone wallpaper is a non-issue. It is absolutely normal for an 18-year-old boy to have a bikini-model as their phone wallpaper just like it would be absolutely normal for an 18-year-old girl to have a picture of their favourite hot male celeb with his shirt off.

It is also normal for them to watch porn, and as he's an adult it's perfectly legal for him to do that. It was your follow-up post that raised alarm bells for me:

"DH spoke to him about the porn but his reply was to buy him his own iPad then"

What IS unusual and somewhat disturbing though is that he does this on a shared iPad and takes no steps to delete his search history despite knowing that you and his father can see it.

While I think pretty much every 18-year-old looks at porn sometimes, the vast, vast majority would be keeping that extremely private and would absolutely not be knowingly leaving a record of their porn consumption right there on the family iPad for everyone to see.

He could just as easily watch it on his phone and keep it private, but he's made a conscious choice to let people see what he's been looking at, which to me feels like a deliberately aggressive power-play that he's getting a kick out of. Combined his attitude re. housework etc, that's a real concern.

Cailleachian · 04/10/2023 16:18

This looks like Andrew Tate influence and IMHO this should be taken pretty seriously.

I dont know if you saw the documentary on AT in August, but behind Andrew Tate is a cult like organisation that lures in lost young men and grooms them by teaching them manipulative techniques to get women to provide labour for them...starting with domestic labour right up to sex work. Obviously (hopefully!) he isnt running a sex trafficking ring but this is the ultimate aim of this ideology.

If I was in your position, I'd agree a strategy with his Dad to combat.

Some principles you might want to think about

  • this is your house, what you say goes
  • encouraging and supporting your daughter to say "no" clearly when she decides that she does not want to do something and backing her up if there is any backlash
  • porn is unacceptable in the house (dont block, monitor and pull him up every single time, if necessary get his Dad to do this, if it leads on to sexual comments/harassment)
  • he is a grown adult and no longer needs a mummy to tidy his room and make his lunch.
  • Chores are shared and distributed by you/Dad to all who live in the house.

A couple of things you might want to think about

  • this has to come from YOU. It is primarily you he is disrespecting and treating as lesser. You need to reclaim your place as the householder.
  • Your daughter needs encouragement to stand up for herself and understand that she doesnt have to go along with what older boys/men say that she should do for them.
  • His Dad needs to back you both up, but let you take the lead.
  • Although he is perpetrating misogyny, its worth remembering that he is also a victim of this ideology.

I also agree not to leave your 7 year old unsupervised around him until you are confident that the porn issue is solved.

GabriellaMontez · 04/10/2023 16:29

Agree with everything @ManateeFair said. Especially the 'aggressive power play'. He's only just an adult and has only just moved in. But you don't feel comfortable.

You need to totally flip the dynamic. With the absolute support of your husband.

What was your husbands reply to the ipad comment? Is dss working?

He needs to follow house rules. If he doesn't want to, it would be very reasonable to tell him to move out.

Original poster
nakata5 · 04/10/2023 19:31

DH has of course said no to buying him an iPad and told him to get one himself if he wants one as he works.

DD luckily won't see the history as she doesn't use the iPad as she's got her own kids tablet with parental controls.

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