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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is dickish

23 replies

emeralue · 04/10/2023 12:02

I'm under a lot of stress at the moment from various sources. The other night while brushing my teeth I noticed one of my wisdom teeth looked at though it had a patch of decay. I have had extractions in my life both as a child and a teen and had some really horrific experiences (think no pain relief), thus I became quite upset (in combination with everything else) with fear at the thought of having to have impacted wisdom teeth out. I sat crying in front of DP and he offered no comfort, just sat and said "what do you want me to say, it probably won't be that bad".

Today having been to the dentist, I've been advised that extraction at this stage is not necessary and that it'll just be monitored closely. On telling DP, his only remark was "so basically, I was right then".

Clearly I'm extremely relieved, but I feel completely unsupported and invalided in a situation that really was a big, frightening deal to me. AIBU to think he could have been a bit more empathetic about the it?

OP posts:

MabelWotsits · 04/10/2023 12:14

I think more likely he was trying to stop you overreacting next time.

WhatapityWapiti · 04/10/2023 12:16

So you overreacted to a minor tooth issue and now you are overreacting to your husband’s response.

You should seek help for your anxiety.

Hufflepods · 04/10/2023 12:21

I sat crying in front of DP and he offered no comfort, just sat and said "what do you want me to say, it probably won't be that bad".

I mean you are a grown woman crying over the possibility that you may need some dental work done. He's right, what exactly do you want him to say? Play up your anxieties? Fan the flames of your over the top reaction and tell you it's so awful?
It probably won't be as bad as you think seems like a pretty measured reaction, unlike both of yours.

TomatoSandwiches · 04/10/2023 12:25

People who haven't experienced dental trauma never understand this op, it's one thing for strangers on the Internet to be so dismissive but I would expect a spouse to be more supportive.

JellyMouldJnr · 04/10/2023 12:25

It seems I’m in the minority, but I think a bit of sympathy wouldn’t have gone amiss. A lot of people are scared of the dentist.

bigshort · 04/10/2023 12:26

Yes it was dickish, and so are the first replies here.

Youtoldmeonce · 04/10/2023 12:26

if you have a dentist phobia of course it’s a big deal-and yes he could have given you more support at the time.

CraftyPance · 04/10/2023 12:30

Hes obviously doesn't understand your fear, because it's not a normal reaction to possibly needing a tooth out. You do seem really anxious and maybe get some help with that. I can see both sides.

iamwhatiam23 · 04/10/2023 12:31

I hate the dentist but I wouldn't sit there sobbing about it and expect a grown adult to be overly sympathetic! Its one of those things we have to get on with and deal with! My adult dc also has a phobia and i am sympathetic to a degree but that doesn't last long if they start acting hysterical!

Frabbits · 04/10/2023 12:35

Sobbing over the possibility of needing dental work when you haven't seen a dentist is a bit of an overreaction under normal circumstances. If partner had sat there agreeing that it was the end of the world it would have just made you even more worried over what has turned out to be nothing.

Obviously there are deeper anxieties at play here and that is the issue you need to address more than anything.

WhatapityWapiti · 04/10/2023 12:39

bigshort · 04/10/2023 12:26

Yes it was dickish, and so are the first replies here.

It’s dickish to advise someone to seek help for anxiety?

OP needs help to work through why she feels this way about dental treatment. She said her bad past experiences were due to having no pain relief. She is an adult and is in control of making sure she has pain relief in future. If she needs professional help to understand this she should seek it, not make things worse by deciding to add annoyance with her husband to the list of things that are making her unhappy.

MrsElsa · 04/10/2023 12:49

Sorry he reacted so unsupportively. Sounds like he didn't know what to do to help.

If you want a hug you can ask for one.

MrsSkylerWhite · 04/10/2023 12:50

No it wasn’t. What else could he say?

CrunchyCarrot · 04/10/2023 12:52

Yes I get it OP. I too have bad dental anxiety and DP is very down to earth and practical. Won't get a cuddle out of him, either! But on the other hand he is right mostly, it's just me having a huge wobble. I now get dental work done under sedation, although getting that on the NHS has proved very difficult since Covid. And THAT is giving me anxiety! 😅

RaisedByHedgehogs · 04/10/2023 12:53

Yes, it was dickish. He invalidated your feelings. Just because it wouldn’t bother him, doesn’t mean your feelings can’t be respected.

MaryJanesonabreak · 04/10/2023 12:54

My Gp many years ago gave me Diazepan to help me with my dentist trauma. I still ask whoever the Gp is now if I need a couple. They stop me shaking enough for them to do the job.

rantinglunatic · 04/10/2023 12:55

How would you react to your DP if he started crying when he saw a decayed tooth in his mouth?

ChillysWaterBottle · 04/10/2023 12:56

What on earth are these early comments lol. If my partner was stressed/upset/frightened to the point of tears in front of me I would be very supportive and sympathetic and I would expect the same in return. I'm sorry things are so stressful at the moment OP I hope they improve.

EaudeJavel · 04/10/2023 12:58

Do you over-react for everything in the same way? I am not being goady, but if you have a meltdown over nothing once, yes, I'd expect a partner to give you some sympathy, even if it's for nothing. Natural reaction would be to ask you if something else is going on, for going in such a state over nothing.

If it's constant and about everything and anything, it gets tiring frankly.

LadyT27 · 04/10/2023 13:02

You are being totally over dramatic

Original poster

emeralue · 04/10/2023 13:21

WhatapityWapiti · 04/10/2023 12:16

So you overreacted to a minor tooth issue and now you are overreacting to your husband’s response.

You should seek help for your anxiety.

I'm not sure if you looked in your mouth to find a black decaying patch at a site that was causing pain, you'd brush it off as nothing, but okay.

Also not sure you can call me questioning whether he could have been more empathetic as overreacting when I've not said anything to him or made a deal about it, but also okay.

I clearly explained that I have dental trauma, which I'd love to be able to get help with but I don't have the money to pay for therapy to reprocess those experiences.

OP posts:

WhatapityWapiti · 04/10/2023 13:23

emeralue · 04/10/2023 13:21

I'm not sure if you looked in your mouth to find a black decaying patch at a site that was causing pain, you'd brush it off as nothing, but okay.

Also not sure you can call me questioning whether he could have been more empathetic as overreacting when I've not said anything to him or made a deal about it, but also okay.

I clearly explained that I have dental trauma, which I'd love to be able to get help with but I don't have the money to pay for therapy to reprocess those experiences.

Show quote history

You can get help with trauma and anxiety on the NHS.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 04/10/2023 13:26

I think it was dickish. Unless you're prone to anxiety about lots of things and crying often and he is getting sick of it.

You're had bad experiences with dentists before and now going to the dentist makes you anxious. That's a completely normal human reaction and if this is the only area of life that it applies to, then no you don't need therapy!

I think in most circumstances, if someone is crying about something as a one off, about something they had legitimate awful experiences of in the past, expressing a bit of sympathy and empathy should be expected. And 'it will be fine' is very dismissive.

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