How would you handle this friendship issue?

[crochetmonkey74]

I've got a lovely friend- more like a sister. 3 years ago I was at my lowest ebb as a result of several huge, life changing events happening in quick succession.
My friend was awesome- looked after me, was brilliant. I could never thank her enough.
Fast forward to now, and my life has really picked up (as a result of a lot of therapy and hard work) and I am now socialising again and having hope for the future. My friend cannot seem to cope with it. She is very snarky with me and makes a few barbed comments , or reminds me of the harder times I had. I think she can't cope when she is not needed or the rescuer anymore. I still want to do things with her, my view is that she supported me, now it is time for us to have some fun, without her having to worry about me anymore.
We will always be friends- I do not and could not break the relationship - but wanted to know how best to handle it? Anyone had a similar person or experience in their lives?

I have come across this a couple of times in my life, friends who were great in the bad times but not in the good - it is difficult and confusing. You feel a gratitude and a loyalty. I had a gradual and almost natural distancing with them. With one we eventually went our own way which, I think, was pretty mutual and, with the other, we now have a more distant relationship. With the latter, I think they like to be seen as being on the rung above everyone, happy to help someone 'disadvantaged' and when things evened out between us they didn't like it. Not sure if that is the way to handle it, but that is what I did!

Some people absolutely love being the saviour. It makes them feel capable and, I think, a bit superior. Being 'needed' gives them self-worth and I also think there's a subconscious element of wanting to be wise, stable one who gives out all the advice. Your friend saw you as a project, and now the project has finished, she's struggling to come to terms with that.

I know a couple of people like this. They need a project and throw everything into that person. When the person starts to heal and walk their own path they don’t like it. One is also lavish with gifts etc this comes at a cost i.e she then wants to control you and be the most important person in your life.. They also enjoy unadulterated gratitude. You could try speaking to her the way you’ve spoken on here. Explain the comments are hurtful and that you want to continue the friendship but not like this.

Otherwise , it could turn toxic and controlling, if so, I’d gradually distance myself.

You need to protect your own mental/emotional health

A lot of this resonates. Particularly the need to be the wise one. I think she struggles when people move on as she is a bit stuck and set in her ways over a few things that cause her real unhappiness but she can't move past them so I think its hard to see others move on and surpass you in some areas. It's hard when that envy/ jealousy whatever it is turns to snark though. That feels really upsetting from someone you have been so vulnerable with

It's hard when that envy/ jealousy whatever it is turns to snark though. That feels really upsetting from someone you have been so vulnerable with

Yes it is hurtful especially with someone close who you think would be 'in your team' and have your back.

Yes I want us to now be carefree and happy- have a glass of wine, go out. Just enjoy the fact that I am not lurching from day to day. Just have fun together as friends without something big to ponder and attend to in the middle of it

I think if this person has been a good friend in the past, it’s worth at least trying to talk to them. Noting the behaviour you’re finding difficult and asking, and being prepared to listen - how is your friend, what are they struggling with, maybe they aren’t in a carefree place themselves and need some support? They aren’t communicating that very well, you’re feeling hurt by it - talk about your hurt feelings and really listen to your friend about how they are, and you could come through this with a better understanding and friendship than at any point before.

Could she be worried about having a drink and what it could turn to? Did you previously have alcohol issues?

Same as :stilltryingtobuy. And have you actually said to friend what you put in the post just now about how it would be good to do some lighter things together? People can't mind read, so does she know how you see it going forward?

Yep I'm definitely going to talk to her. Taking all advice and help from here that I can if anyone has also experienced it

No nothing like this, I just used the wine as an example of something we might do

Yes definitely have expressed the wish to do lighter stuff I've been well for a good few months now so it's not a one off situation that she's been like this

That’s great - my advice, based on personal experience, is basically talk and really listen, she’s likely to have her own perspective on how things are between you two and that might be difficult to hear. And difficult for her to talk about too. If she is jealous, stuck etc that sounds really difficult for her (and you too) and understandable that she can’t easily join you for carefree good times, for example. She may not yet be able to be helped, to change the ways she’s stuck, so a challenge for you both is to work out what your friendship looks like at the moment, how it works, while you’re flourishing and she’s stuck.

Transitions are really hard on friendships, basically, and you’ve had a major one it sounds like. I’d try to see it as how do we get through this transition together rather than wishing she could change and become carefree, because you’re feeling carefree now.

I agree with what all of the others have said, and have had similar myself. I think there is also sometimes a fear of abandonment there on their side. What if you don't need her any more? Helping and supporting you has filled a hole in her life, but what if she's not needed anymore, or is no longer as 'special' in your life as you spread your wings once more. (I know that's not what you are saying, and you still fully want her in your life.. just how she might see it)

As you say, things in her life aren't perfect but with the focus having been on supporting you, she didn't need to address the things that aren't great about her life as her attentions were on you.

Helping you and being the saviour gave her self worth and now you are (thankfully) out of your tricky patch - the dynamic shifts and now you are just regular friends - which sounds great to everyone apart from her.

How to tackle it? I don't know! It's a tricky one. I suppose in your shoes I suppose that next time I was out with her, I'd make a point of reiterating how thankful you are for everything she did in that time, and how you'll always appreciate it / never forget it. And that you hope you never go back to that place but knowing that you are by your side makes its less scary.
Etc etc ...

Not sure if this is the right advice but probably what I would do. Some might say open up the conversation with her about 'I've noticed you seem a bit x or y recently' etc but people would rarely admit that that's how they are feeling, even to themselves.

I need to be really clear here- I think I have expressed myself clumsily.
I have not been annoyingly carefree and blind to her feelings or expected her to follow me and become carefree now I am feeling better. I love her dearly and will definitely talk to her and love the advice of seeing what the friendship looks like now in a transition period. I think the saviour/self worth thing is right and I can see how it has left her a bit high and dry now I don't need her. I regularly let her know how much she means to me and that I am grateful for her love and care. None of this has been combatative at all- its been two nice friends struggling along a bit - with a few stinging comments that have hurt me.

I’m probably expressing myself clumsily here too - how much you value your friend is really clear. I think sometimes these type of posts quickly veer into “cut her lose, she only wants you when you’re down” type of comments so that’s maybe what I’m trying to counter; not that that’s what’s coming across in your post. I hope you work it out.

Thanks @StillTryingtoBuy I was worried about that happening on the thread but I have had really good advice so thank you!

Oh dear that sounds tough and a real shame when you actually want and value her as a friend.

It does sound like she has low self esteem as doesn't know what her role is once she isn't rescuer/therapist! And also if she has low self esteem it probably helped her to feel she was doing better than you and now she can see you are happy and confident she may feel "lesser" or even worried you will leave her behind.

I also just wanted to probe a bit about the stuff you are wanting to do/enjoy now. I've been part of a dynamic myself where I spent a lot of time with a friend who had fallen on hard times and we did a lot of low key stuff socialising in each other's houses. Then suddenly when her circumstances improved she seemed to go off like a shot out partying with her "cool friends" (who she hadn't seen for dust when times were tough) and barely seemed to remember I existed. It doesn't sound like that's what is happening here - you seem to be wanting to go out and have fun WITH her - but just wanted to mention in case there is an element of that as it might explain her attitude.

What was she like before your troubles? Has she changed?

I might be able to give a bit of perspective as I have been on the other side.

I have a close and lovely friend who went through some awful things a few years ago. I was very worried for her and so tried to support her as much as I could. Practically and emotionally. She has since expressed immense gratitude and we are closer than ever.

Thankfully, life has been much kinder to her recently. She is happy, very much loved and thriving. I am so happy to see things turn around for her.

However, what this has brought up for me is that there are areas of my life I am quite unhappy with. Nothing awful but definitely things I struggle with. I have 2 issues. 1. I don’t want to burden her. She has been through so much shit I kind of feel like I don’t want her to have to deal with my crap. And 2. Seeing her SO happy accentuates my issues.

I want to stress that I would never drag her down or remind her how shit her life was before. I aim to be and hope that we have fun and don’t dwell on her past issues.

I don’t know if that helps at all but just a bit of a different perspective. I’m glad things are better for you now x

ooh yeah good point

Things we like doing as friends are:

Going to the local garden centre for a nice coffee
National Trust House or Gardens
Going to one of our houses to watch a film or TV programme (we normally cook for each other or bring snacks)
Make a coffee in a flask and go to park for a nice walk
Occasional shopping day out
Occasional cinema

We are both financially secure so none of this is a stretch - we would do one of these per week or fortnight normally.

She was affected by Covid definitely. Has stayed very solitary since. She got very into 'boundaries' as she has a troublesome brother who was difficult, but she sort of extended her boundaries a bit too far with some other friends I felt. (havent expressed this to her) Her life has just shrunk increasingly

@WhatWouldHopperDo That is useful thank you
It does make sense- my friend is quite stubborn and finds it hard to be perceived as in the wrong or weak (in general life) so if she was struggling, as I know she is with one particular part of her life - she would find it hard to admit it or ask for help.