Struggling with DS14 behaviour

[Diorama1]

I have always struggled with his behaviour, he is the middle child (older sis and younger brother) and will be 14 this month.
When he was three he starting having awful tantrums/meltdowns and this went on for years. I contacted a child behavioural therapist and she said he had asynchronous development in that he was developing quickly academically but lagged behind emotionally.

He is very bright and can be a lovely engaging child but he is also very opinionated, stubborn, obtuse and just wants to do what he wants to do all the time.
He is such hard work, everything is a battle with him unless he wants to do it. I have two other children are they are not like this, they might grumble but will get on with it. Its very wearing and I dont know how to handle it. I am scarred over how bad things were when he was younger, I ended up with a panic disorder over his behaviour. He would scream for hours, life was hell. Every day trip out was ruined by his tantrums. I dreaded every morning as his behavior was driving me over the edge.

He wants his own way with everything, he finds it very difficult to compromise. This morning before school I reminded him that his team is in a semi final this evening and said he could not go to his afterschool club as it would mean he would have no time for dinner between the club and the match. He started arguing that he already had a match a few days ago and that he wasnt missing the club. I tried to explain that just because he played a match a few days ago doesnt mean he doesnt have a match today and that he needed to eat as he would be gone a few hours and couldnt play with no food (his school lunch is at 1pm, club over at 5.30, match at 6.15 home at 8pm). I explained he has the afterschool club every week and this was the only day he was missing.
He couldnt just accept that but continued to argue and say he then wouldnt play the match, he didnt care about eating, etc but he wasnt missing the club.

I know the example above seems like nothing but this is the same with everything, he cant just accept that he has to do things that may not suit him but have to be done for a reason, everything is an argument.

He finds it almost impossible to compromise, if we are going out for the day, the other two will figure out a place they both like and DS will say no, he will then try to choose a place only he likes. If they are choosing say a movie for movie night, he cant agree, he cant agree on what sweets they will buy, what time they will start watching it ... Sometimes he will be so obstinate about it and will refuse to agree on anything and he will go to his room and refuse to watch the movie. It then ruins the whole atmosphere.
He has such a domineering personality and is so stubborn.

My other two have opinions on what they want but they understand that as a family we have to compromise and we try to make sure everyone gets to what they like sometimes but DS wants his way all the time.

We said we would bring the children rock climbing last weekend. They had a choice between ropes or bouldering. They picked ropes so he picked bouldering!! Its the same all the time. In the end we went with ropes as bouldering wasnt available. During the session I overheard the instructor say to DS that he had chosen all the walls and routes they climbed and it was time to give the others a go. Whenever we do an activity we always pity the instructor as DS will ask questions non stop, he has an enormous thirst for knowledge but he takes over.

He has friends in school and seems to get on well with his peers but his friends are very easy going and I wonder do they just go along with him.

I find myself slipping back into that awful place where I cant cope with him and where I am fighting with him all the time.

I ended up shouting at him this morning complaining that he is so focused on what he wants that he cant see the impact of his behaviour on others (me really) , I called him an a**hole and said that he had no empathy. He got tears in his eyes and said he does have empathy and went off to school.

I feel awful now, I am handling it so badly, I am the a**hole. I could feel the panic rising this morning. I have started a new job that is massively stressful and this is leading to me not having patience with him which is not fair.

Can anyone recommend a specialist/book/course to help me understand what is going on with him and how to manage it?

I know things are going to get worse with him going through puberty and I dont want to damage him by how I handle it.
The post is very disjointed but I feel crap over this morning :(

I have a soon to be 13 year old DS that sounds so similar to your DS. He was diagnosed with inattentive ADHD and dyspraxia when he was 7.

My DH also has the same diagnosis and they share very similar traits.

They can come across as selfish and lacking empathy but yet I know how sensitive they really are. I’m far from having it all figured out but one thing I have started to do with my DS is ‘working down the chain’. If he is refusing to compromise or do something that needs to be done, I walk away and calm myself down. Then we sit and and talk about the chain of impacts his refusal will have. For example, he wanted to go and play with his friends after school but didn’t want to change out of his uniform. We discussed that I wasn’t just making up a rule for the sake of it, but he would likely get dirty meaning that I would have to wash and dry his clothes before school the next day.

He does seem to come round and eventually comply. If I know of a change to routine in advance, I’ll discuss it as soon as possible to give us the time to chat it though but obviously on a busy school morning it’s not always possible, so I just ask him to think though the chain.

I get the feeling he’s so focused on the immediate, he does struggle to think of the bigger picture. So this just helps him do that.

One thing he’s really struggling with at the moment is being able to deal with disappointment. He will have massive meltdowns. I’m working with the school to provide some emotional coaching support. Could that be route you could explore?

You are doing your best. He’ll know he’s loved and that’s worth so much. Try not to be so hard on yourself x

Ive not heard of “working down the chain “ but can see the benefit .
I have an older dd who recently asked me if I thought she had inattentive ADHD she’s very black and white about things , unwilling to compromise and can’t plan. She’s lovely but so frustrating because it’s like she can’t learn basic things ie keys, keep time , plan etc. I’d never heard of this but the more I read the more it makes sense of a lot of things about her growing up.

I do think some research could help OP understand, knowledge is power but I really do understand your frustration

I know that this is often suggested on MN, but is there a possibility that he is neuro-diverse and simply can't see things from others' point of view?

Sympathy OP, sounds really tough.

In the words of the psychologist who treated one of my children, you should back off and let him make his own mistakes - he goes hungry or is late for the match and gets dropped from the team then it's his problem and you do not have to fix it. Decide on an activity and if he doesnt want that activity then he doesn't go with you. Your other children deserve a break. You only intervene in situations with absolutely dire possible consequences. Going hungry or being dropped from the team are not the sort of dire consequences I'm thinking about here. This works even if they are autistic.

I have a 13 year old just like this and I can empathise with just how difficult it can be with a child like this. Everything a feel like a battle and our child has been able to ruin holidays, weekends, days trips etc. we used to get so frustrated and angry and then feel guilty because deep down you know they deserve live and compassion.

books that really helped me - are “raising your spirited child” and “parenting a child who has intense emotions”. Remember to give them the benefit of the doubt, compassion and understanding and lots and lots of love. Also stop battling - as another op said - back off and let him make his own mistakes - this is the only way he will learn, by having natural consequences of his actions, step back, give him a bit more control over things, you’ll find you will feel a bit better and it reduces the arguing. It’s not giving in, it’s just choosing your battles.