Annoying mum

[pinkrube]

It's every day without fail. Sending me pointless things on WhatsApp (e.g. pictures/videos/news articles that are clearly photoshopped or fake) and asking me about them.

Or asking me questions which I will respond to and then she will turn round and say "I thought that too" or "Oh yeah I know that".

I know it probably doesn't sound like anything major but it is starting to grate on me and the constant messages when I'm busy etc. I love my DM but I don't want to speak to her constantly.

Most of the time I feel like ignoring some of the messages but then she would message again if I don't reply.

How do I tell her to kindly stop? AIBU?

How often do you see her? She sounds lonely. I doubt she realises she is being irritating. Tell her you don't have time to answer all her messages straight away?

@Mothership4two I see her quite often, I live locally to her so it's not like we don't see each other. She is married as well. I could understand if she was single and lived alone.

She doesn't message my brother as often as she does to me

Don’t reply to individual messages as they arrive. Wait a number of hours then reply to them all with one message.

it’s bloody irritating to be constantly pinging someone with memes / things that seem to require some sort of emoji response or opinion all day long. Nobody with any sort of busy life has time for that. You need to be clear that you don’t want her to continue to expect replies to constant chit chat messages throughout the day.

Also, your phone should have a do not disturb function on it - add her to it between certain times of the day so you aren’t also being hounded to reply. Millions of working people can’t take calls and texts at work so she has no right to be disgruntled about this. There’s a function on iPhone where if a DND person calls three times in quick succession - likely to be a genuine emergency - it stops muting them.

But you do need to say ‘if I do t reply, it’s because I’m busy - sending me a message wanting to know why I’ve not replied just slows me down further.’

Use the mute notifications button. Catch up when you're not busy.

She doesn't message my brother as often as she does to me

Have you tried replying ‘oh I’m afraid I don’t know about x,y and z mum. Have you asked brother about it?’.

Many people will give the usual ‘oh your poor mum, you’ve only got one, you’ll miss it when she’s gone’. They often don’t appreciate how put upon the eldest/only daughter is. You can love your mum and still be allowed to feel overly put upon or a bit drained.

I agree, wait a few hours and then reply. Maybe reply to her twice a day max.
But I wouldn’t be engaging with messages about silly pictures and news articles asking me what I think. I’m not interested and don’t have the time. I’d just ignore those and only respond to anything sensible she’s asked / is telling you.
Sounds like she’s bored or has developed a habit of going down internet rabbit holes, or is taking the garbage people post on social media too seriously so that she thinks it’s actually worth discussing with you.

Stop replying as much. Send one message a day like “hope you are having a nice day”.
Or “busy day today, good night”. Ignore all the mind numbing questions.

I bet your brother doesn’t respond much so she stopped or its the case of “oh HE is busy” and the female sibling isn’t seen as such or her work and time is seen as less important.

My dad does this but via email. I filter his messages into a separate folder and then once a day I have a look through see if there's anything interesting and reply to that and ignore the rest.

If he says anything about me not replying to a certain email I just tell him that I was too busy and didn't have time to read it but will at some point (lie).

@pinkrube

She is married as well. I could understand if she was single and lived alone.

That doesn't mean she isn't feeling lonely.

She doesn't message my brother as often as she does to me

In a way that's a compliment, even though it doesn't feel like it to you!

I think some retired people forget how busy other people's lives can be. My DPs used to leave answerphone messages and/or test messages expecting me to immediately reply, usually at inconvenient times - when my 2 DS were little it was often around their bedtime routines. They soon realised that there were bad times when I was not going to come back to them. My best friend's mum used to ring her when they were about to sit down to supper.

In a way that's a compliment, even though it doesn't feel like it to you!

Oh come on, it’s not a compliment at all. It is a very very typical issue that adult daughters are expected to give far more of their time and effort to parents than sons are. Unless you’re suggesting that their mother has a ‘favourite’ which again, is not at all complimentary.

Hi op my mam isnt on whatsapp but know what you mean. She used ring around dinners it was annoying. So now I just ring or text when its quieter. I think they forget what the working world is like....

Really?

Just meant she wants to share things with the OP. Maybe feels that it would be appreciated? Maybe feels more on her wavelength? Who knows? The fact is she IS communicating more with OP even if it is unwanted.

In DH's family time and effort is expected, and given, equally from sons and daughter. However, in many families the daughter tends to be closer to her mother than the sons (I know not all daughters and mothers are close!) so maybe that's where the expectation you mention comes from?

’Daughters are closer to their mothers’ is simply a long held toxic sociological expectation from girls being raised to be carers of family their whole lives. The it’s the same as the whole ‘daughter for life, son until he finds a wife’ nonsense, derived from the idea that having a daughter means a lifelong expectation to ‘be there’ whilst no such pressure is put on sons who’s time is far more important once they become adults.

They're not appreciated by the op, and the op is absolutely entitled to feel that way. She is entitled to feel like she’s being overwhelmed by endless information when her brother gets a more peaceful life. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t want a relationship with her mother, but if any other person in your life was bombarding you with nonsense all day long you’d certainly be getting fed up. There is no exceptions just because it’s a ‘mother/daughter’ dynamic.

They're not appreciated by the op, and the op is absolutely entitled to feel that way. She is entitled to feel like she’s being overwhelmed by endless information when her brother gets a more peaceful life. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t want a relationship with her mother, but if any other person in your life was bombarding you with nonsense all day long you’d certainly be getting fed up. There is no exceptions just because it’s a ‘mother/daughter’ dynamic.

@Gerrataere where have I said that there should be exceptions, that OP is not entitled to be irritated or that it is fair that the brother isn't getting the same level of pointless WhatsApps?

You obviously have your own issues about my "in many families the daughter tends to be closer to her mother than the sons" comment but it also TENDS to be true across many cultures probably for a multitude of reasons. I feel very lucky and to have a close relationship with my mum. Obviously realise that that is not always the case.

She sounds like a typical caring mum, where she has not got it right. No mum is perfect and everyone fights their own battles, that includes your mum. She may be overly concerned about you. She contacts you, perhaps this is the only way she can talk to you. You sound like you don't want to communicate with her.

People have all been brought up differently, hence their advice to you will differ. Your friends, colleagues will text you in different ways, but not the way your mum does ( mums usually worry more, especially if you are her daughter). Especially that you do not want to respond. Just take things with a pinch of salt and understand her and reassure her that you are okay.

One day, when she is gone, you will realise, she was just thinking of you, in her own way.