to want to give up and move back home?

[watermummy]

I've recently relocated away from Scotland with my DH and DS who is 18 months. My DH was offered a good job opportunity in the Nth East and really wanted to go for it. He's very ambitious and career focused so after a lot of deliberating I agreed to give it a go. I got a years unpaid leave from my job which I'd only just gone back to 3 days a week and we left helpful grand parents who were helping with child care, a beautiful house, friends and what I felt had become a wonderful life. My DH felt we could make another one here and that the job was worth the sacrifice.

We've been here 3 months now and I havent been able to get work - just a couple of unsuccessful interviews - no one wants me part time and I dont want to put my ds in full time child care. I havent settled well so far, attempts to meet people havent worked out yet and the location we've move to hasnt really turned out to be very suitable. So whatever happens we will move again in a few months.

My DH really loves his new job and cant leave anyway, for a year or we'd have to pay back a lot of relocation expenses.

I'm just pretty miserable with our situation and think about my old life all the time and how I can get back to that place. I had a great circle of mummy friends who all helped each other and also am close to my family who I miss not being close by. I feel like I've given it a go and its not working and that I just want to go back home. DH would have stay here until the end of the year at least and we'd just see each other at weekends which we would both hate.

So I just wanted some opinions on our situation, ideas, other peoples experiences of relocating or being with a partner who you totally love but who wants something completely different!

I relocated for my husbands work several years back. I was relcutant because I am close to my family and friends that I was leaving.

I felt just like you do but agreed that I would give it a go for a year.

We did end up coming back as I just never settled and was reguarly on my own as DH worked away sometimes. After a year we moved back home but my husband continued with his job and was only home weekends. This works well and we make the most of our family time together but there are downsides to it. it is not for everyone. You need to weigh up not having your DH around to staying where your are.

Would DH be willing to give up this job if he likes it so much and if not how would you feel about coming back on your own and only having him around weekends.

Finding p/t work is hard everywhere.

It might be worth giving it a bit longer. Can you join any groups/hobbies to meet some new mummy friends?

Good luck

That sounds miserable, I'm sorry to hear that you're unhappy. It's tough being the one who is tagging along, as the partner who moves in order to start a new job will more purpose to his/her days and have social contact through the job.

What's unsuitable with the location that you're in that you will need to move again? You might feel more settled after the second move if you will be going to an area better suited to you, more families/activites etc.

IME it takes at least 3 months or more to start to feel settled in a new area. It takes a bit longer to make good friends as acquaintances are quick to make but friendship needs to grow over time. Are there any groups or areas that have a lot of newcomers that you can join? Other people who have recently moved to the area are much more likely to have a vacancy for new friendships than people who have always lived there. When I've followed dh around I've tended to join everything going (International Women's Clubs/WI for instance) and make lots of small talk with lots of people and accept any and every invitation to coffee/the park, but without being too clingy/needy or giving off desparate loneliness vibes. It's all very shallow to start off with, but after a while you get to know and like some people much better, and before you know it you have friends.

Could you bring forward your next move (assuming you've identified some more suitable areas)? And could you pin your dh down to a date by which you get to choose whether you stay or move back to Scotland? So if you're still unhappy in a year's time you can go back.

You could also start a thread in MN meet-ups looking for other MNetters in your area. They would probably be able to give lots of tips on things to do and places to meet people.

As an afterthought, do you need to find a job (financially that is)? Would you be interested in studying/doing a course instead. It might increase your employment opportunities and it would definitely be a good way to socialise, or at least occupy your mind a bit.

Hi Watermummy, just wanted to say that I'm going through something similar, except I've tried for over 3 years to be happy where we are living (for dh's job). But we are now going to try the whole me and dc living closer to family & friends with dh coming back at weekends. We know it won't be easy at first but as far as we are concerned the pros will outweigh the cons eventually. Just wanted you to know that you are not alone and I sympathise with your situation.

Message withdrawn

Thanks everyone for your replies and suggestions. I know 3 months is not a long time and I need to give it a chance. I suppose I feel that its my attitude thats the problem and dont know if I can change it. I suppose like some of you we just have to decide how long to give it and consider what other options might work out better over all. Its all about compromise.

Good luck to those in similar situations I hope things work out for you too.

Sorry you're feeling down, watermummy. I've relocated several times and I would say that each time it took me at least 6 months to a year to feel anywhere near settled. Actually I think 3 months is exactly when I felt most depressed about the move because the initial excitement had worn off and I still really missed my old life. The 3 month period also coincided twice with winter which didn't help my mood at all.
Doing a MN meet-up is a good idea. Good luck also with the job hunting.

Watermummy - whereabouts are you? I'm moving to the NE in April (relocating back to my home area in fact) and would love to meet up if you are close by?

I live in Newcastle watermummy - I would be very happy to meetup with you and take you to some of the mother and toddler groups I go to if you live nearby?

Give me a shout on alicetownend at doctors dot org dot uk if you would like to meetup.

I have ds1 who is just over 2 and ds2 who is 5 months...

Hi Alicet, we are in north Leeds so not too handy unfortunately. Newcastle is great, I lived there for a year when I was in my 20's - what a hoot I had as you can imagine - down the Quayside - Tuxedo Royale foam party was a highlight!

Onlyaphase - where are you moving to? Good luck with the move!

Thanks Taipo, I know what you mean - moving in December is probably the worst time of year!

Oh well never mind!!!

Good luck anyway - I'd agree with the people who say that it probably takes longer than 3 months to find your feet.... Hope you settle in soon x

It takes at least a year to settle in anywhere so I would give it at least that long.

This thought crosses my mind more often than I'd care to admit of late.

I moved from Scotland to England 7 years ago and tbh I am never quite sure, whether I have settled or not. Yes, I have made some good friends, I work 2 mornings a week at the local playgroup, my dh earns more here than he ever could in Scotland so the chances of moving back are nil, but my dc are happy.

I hope it works out for you.

I moved to Belgium and have up my work, home, friends and family to do so. I didn't settle at first and it took me 6 months to shake down.

I have also spent 16 years of a 22 year marriage either with DH away at sea, or weekending, or when he came to Brussels and I stayed at home, six weeking. On balance, I prefer to be with him, as weekending gets soul destroying after a while - you get excited about them being back, and then they've gone again. I hated Sunday evenings when he went.

Give it a bit longer - my DS was 10 when we moved, and he has a good relationship with DH. This would not have happened had I stayed put.

I can totally sympathise. Have reluctantly relocated 18months ago and I think its my 'attitude' too. I am looking forward to buying a house just across the county boarder just to mentally distance myself from the negative conatations of this place. I'm sure lots of other people have had positive experiences so sorry if I sound a bit negative but I know where you're coming from.

Hi watermummy. I'm in north Leeds and have a dd 14 months.
I have shyed away from mother and baby groups but I know plenty exist in the area. If you want to know more or meet up, let me know and I'll give you my email. I'm in Moortown btw. And welcome!! Yorkshire folk aren't too bad really

Hi Reggiee, Thanks that would be great if you know of good groups or places to take toddlers. If you are free to meet up that would be great too. I quite often go to Jackaboos in Farsley we could meet there or if you know somewhere else it'd be good to try out something different.

I don't know if it's ok to promote other websites but try Netmums - they'll do your local area once you've registered you can put a notice on their meet a mum board. I found one very good friend through that site (after several turned out not so good). It is really hard to adjust to a new area but for your husband's sake you really need to give it a try. Things might not be the same if you moved back home anyway as all your old friends could have moved on. Try the site and see what happens.