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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be still be a bit annoyed at my manager?

27 replies

chatenoire · 04/10/2023 07:12

My boss is great as a friend, but lacks "managerial pastoral care". Last week I complained to her about something and we met yesterday for different reasons but we did have 3-5 mins to chit chat. I would have expected for her to tell me to add something to the calendar, but alas she didn't. She acted like nothing had ever happened. My DH is not surprised though. I guess I have no option but to proactively book that time with her.

OP posts:
SantaBarbaraMonica · 04/10/2023 07:21

What did you complain about? Hard to say without knowing that but your post makes me wonder if you’re a bit unreasonable. If you need to speak to your manager further? Book the time in.

ArtG · 04/10/2023 07:24

Not sure I’ve understood your point but if your manager has forgotten about whatever it is you’re bothered by, couldn’t you have raised it?

Original poster
chatenoire · 04/10/2023 07:29

ArtG · 04/10/2023 07:24

Not sure I’ve understood your point but if your manager has forgotten about whatever it is you’re bothered by, couldn’t you have raised it?

I complained for the first time ever that during a call it felt like all the fingers were pointed at me. Mind you, it was a "collaborative" piece and I had been traveling all week for work (had only made it back home a few hours before that call).

OP posts:
Gazelda · 04/10/2023 07:34

How did she originally handle your complaint? Did she deal with it there and then? Or did she say she'd look into it?

Either way, it wouldn't have hurt her to ask you if things were improved now (or another appropriate question, depending on the complaint).

Book half an hour in her diary for a follow up conversation. If that feels proportionate.

JassyRadlett · 04/10/2023 07:34

I'm not sure I would have booked time with you to talk through what feels like quite a minor thing, unless I'm misunderstanding the situation? How did she respond at the time? Why didn't you raise it in the meeting yesterday if it's still bothering you?

Original poster
chatenoire · 04/10/2023 07:37

Gazelda · 04/10/2023 07:34

How did she originally handle your complaint? Did she deal with it there and then? Or did she say she'd look into it?

Either way, it wouldn't have hurt her to ask you if things were improved now (or another appropriate question, depending on the complaint).

Book half an hour in her diary for a follow up conversation. If that feels proportionate.

Exactly that's my point. She just apologised for making me feel that way and that it was not the intention.

OP posts:
SerendipityJane · 04/10/2023 07:39

My boss is great as a friend

Not really. The two aren't compatible.

fatrascall · 04/10/2023 07:40

If you want to book a time to talk to her in more detail then you should tell her. She's not a mind reader and probably isn't aware it has upset you to this extent.

JassyRadlett · 04/10/2023 07:41

Ok, so in her head, she's apologised and drawn a line under it. She's just had a meeting with you where you didn't raise it as something that's still bothering you. Does she know you're wanting to discuss it further?

Original poster
chatenoire · 04/10/2023 07:42

fatrascall · 04/10/2023 07:40

If you want to book a time to talk to her in more detail then you should tell her. She's not a mind reader and probably isn't aware it has upset you to this extent.

I don't know, I sent her a message outside of working hours making it clear that I had a great week apart from that. IF we had 1:1s this is the type of thing you talk about but we don't have any like at all.

OP posts:
Keeva2017 · 04/10/2023 07:44

So it was a minor issue, she acknowledged and apologised. What more do you want? Jeez not everything has to be a meeting.

i think my teenage saying of “build a bridge and get over it” applies here.

fatrascall · 04/10/2023 07:46

chatenoire · 04/10/2023 07:42

I don't know, I sent her a message outside of working hours making it clear that I had a great week apart from that. IF we had 1:1s this is the type of thing you talk about but we don't have any like at all.

Show quote history

Sounds like your boundaries between work and friendship are a bit blurred.

JassyRadlett · 04/10/2023 07:48

What exactly do you want out of a follow up meeting that you don't area have from her being aware of the issue and apologising?

KrisAkabusi · 04/10/2023 07:48

Surely that's it dealt with now. Why does it need an additional meeting?

randomrandom · 04/10/2023 07:53

Why do you need her to tell you to add something in? Just be proactive and put something in yourself if you want to talk about it

Original poster
chatenoire · 04/10/2023 07:54

KrisAkabusi · 04/10/2023 07:48

Surely that's it dealt with now. Why does it need an additional meeting?

It's part of a bigger conversation. Like I said, if we had regular check ins she'd be more aware of it, but we don't have any. Even my extra duties, we're just a chat conversation on teams, but I'd say it needs more detail too. Maybe I just need 30mins to give her a rundown of the last 6 months or so.

OP posts:
JassyRadlett · 04/10/2023 08:10

What's the bigger conversation? Does she know about it? Why don't you have 1-1s?

She doesn't sound like the world's top manager but you also sound weirdly passive about all this. Management is a relationship. Managers aren't mind readers. If you need a conversation, or a regular one to one, schedule it.

Goodgrief83 · 04/10/2023 08:18

I guess I have no option but to proactively book that time with her.

well yes Op FgS

Goodgrief83 · 04/10/2023 08:19

I feel for your boss / friend

Original poster
chatenoire · 04/10/2023 08:36

Goodgrief83 · 04/10/2023 08:18

I guess I have no option but to proactively book that time with her.

well yes Op FgS

The bigger conversation is that I've organically evolved to a semi hybrid role. Which I'm absolutely fine with BUT it isn't clear to the wider org and sometimes it causes conflict.1:1s are simply not her style.

OP posts:
Citrusandginger · 04/10/2023 08:39

Why not ask for regular 1 to 1's?

cocksstrideintheevening · 04/10/2023 08:42

Sound like blurred boundaries, why are you messaging outside of working hours? If you want 1-2-1s, instigate it.

amiold · 04/10/2023 08:45

She probably just thought you'd had a bit of a bad day, had a vent, she apologised, you got over it, it had blew over.

I can have as many 1-1 with my boss as I want she is always saying if anyone wants to talk to me give me a ring and she sends emails out saying can you all put time in my calendar to come and see me. Most of it is chit chat but the offers there. I'm sure your boss will make time for you to vent but she isn't a mind reader. Just pop something in

PickledPurplePickle · 04/10/2023 08:45

I don’t understand the issue

You raised it, she apologised, as far as she is concerned it is over

Why didn’t you bring it up during the chit chat? People aren’t mind readers

Bearbookagainandagain · 04/10/2023 08:48

Unless it's a recurring issue and you repeatedly feel undermined in meetings, it's pretty minor IMO.
But you are right that this type of things should be discussed on 1-1, so you should ask for those. 30-45 min weekly or every other week is usually enough: 1/3 for your topic items, 1/3 for hers, 1/3 for planning or deep dives.

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