How do you divide household chores and childcare

[Equaldivide]

So I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable or not.

I'm currently off on maternity (this is on my mind because I'm due back in the next few months and already thinking about the juggling ahead). Dh is generally pretty good but I've been wondering recently about division of labour in our home.

During the day I see myself as mainly providing childcare for our son so I do everything for him while dh is at work and if I can get some housework done at the same time I will but often I prioritise playing with ds and working with him on reaching his milestones which he's been doing well with. I figure this is what we'd pay someone to do if I were in work.

When dh comes home he will spend a few hours with ds playing for an hour and then give him dinner and his bath while I have 'downtime' which I normally end up using to get our housework done. Then I do bedtime while dh cooks (his preferred task at home) and then I do dishes and we have maybe half an hour before he goes to bed. I do all night wake ups with ds because I'm bf.

Dh has two evenings a week where he is out for hobbies and will only be home for long enough to get changed and out again so I do all evening stuff with ds as well. At the weekends dh will take ds out in the morning for a walk so I can have time to myself which will either be spent sleeping if ds had a bad week for night wakes or housework.

The other day dh came home from work early and was like I'm taking ds out to visit my family so you can chill for a bit. And i immediately thought - great we're behind on housework so I'll get that done. And in that moment I realised the housework has become my responsibility entirely apart from cooking and grocery shopping (dh insists he does it because he likes those two jobs but often he could go 3 weeks without doing a proper shop).

It made me wonder aibu to think this is an unfair divide or since he is working full time, should the housework be entirely my responsibility? If you divide it differently please share- we normally do split things 50-50 when we both worked full time and I'm presuming we will go back to that when I'm back to work but I'm worried about how that will work with dh having nights out for hobbies as well.

It depends on how you view things. I did the bulk of housework whilst on mat leave because I was home more. Once my dh got in he would take over with dd1 and I would serve dinner, he would load the dishwasher and clean the kitchen before playing with baby and getting her settled for the night. So what I'm trying to say is whilst he was at work housework was my responsibility, once both of us were home it was shared. We've had two other children since and I work. On my working days he does the bulk of housework and cooks because he is home, once I get in all childcare and household stuff is shared. We don't , in general keep a tally of who's done what, we are working for our family (be it paid work or at home) so crack on. It works for us. As for prioritising looking after your child fair enough but assuming they nap it shouldn't be too hard to stick a load of laundry on or clean bathrooms etc. What you don't have to do is prioritise cleaning when you're both home, he takes time for himself so should you.

If you aren't happy with your current set up then you need to talk about it to avoid resentment.

I think your split sounds very fair for now. When you return to work you'll have to revisit, accounting for FT/PT hours.

Thanks for the responses, it's really good to hear other perspectives!

"Assuming they nap it shouldn't be too hard to stick a load of laundry on or clean bathrooms etc. "

Ds naps are really hit and miss. Sometimes he will take a good one in which case I will absolutely get as much done as I can - today was really good so i got the hoovering done and kitchen cleaned and laundry sorted but often his morning nap in his cot is short maybe 20 minutes and he won't go back down. In the afternoon I might get him to do a 30 min contact nap if I'm lucky. He will generally sleep through bar one/two wake ups so I'm pleased enough with that! But it does mean there's not much of a clear break to get things done during the day. I think what I struggle with is getting everything done but also then having any time for myself because I find it very hard to switch off or unwind unless the house is in a reasonable state- I'm not picky but dh and I can both be untidy and if it's not kept on top of then I end up cracking up with it and spending into the wee hours cleaning so I don't need to look at it any more which isn't sustainable either. We'll both be ft when I'm back and both jobs are very demanding and sometimes dh works very early shifts so he's in bed too early to help with much. So on those weeks he's pretty much out of action between that and his two hobby nights all week until the weekend and then he's shattered and wants to chill so it makes it difficult to carve out time for myself. But equally I know his hobbies have improved his mental health the past 2 years so I really want him to keep doing those!

The key is whether the two of you (you and DH) are getting equal actual downtime, when you’re not either looking after DS or doing childcare (or working for pay in his case, and in yours when you go back fo work).

It doesn’t matter as much who does what as long as you are both happy. It does sound like you have a fair enough split as your DH seems to do a fair bit of pitching in when he’s back, albeit it seems with chosen tasks.

Personally I would also choose cooking and shopping over other household tasks, so wouldn’t see being left with the cleaning, tidying etc as fair, but that’s not everyone.

I think it needs a discussion about when you go back to work and how things will be divided up.

Are we the same person?! This was exactly our split when I was on mat leave. The biggest thing I realised was that in my down time, I saw it as an opportunity to do housework. If my husband had down time, he saw it as an opportunity for down time!

He NEVER expected me to do housework while he was looking after the kids, he wanted me to chill. But I couldn’t relax knowing if I didn’t do the house then, it just wouldn’t get done.

We had a chat and I probably do still do more (I notice stuff that he doesn’t, like how regularly things need hoovering for example), but he does lots too. We also now have a rule that if we want it, each of us gets one night out a week and that is absolutely sacred. If we don’t want to use it that’s fine, but it’s there. Sometimes one of us does two etc, but we always check in that it’s ok with the other first.

We also have simply agreed that while we have small children, the house will be a bit chaotic most of the time and that’s ok. I do still tend to do stuff round the house when he has the kids on Saturday mornings, etc, but I’m much better at chilling a bit too and he definitely does a lot more round the house in his ‘free’ time now. It’s just about communicating calmly about how you feel and readdressing the balance where it’s needed.

Anything within working hours I do (SAHM), anything outside of working hours is 50:50. DH now usually works 7am ish until 4 ish which is really nice for the after school/dinner/bedtime hours. So that’s a massive massive factor.

Also, if you can afford it, get a cleaner when you’re back at work. We had one for a while (did have to then cut back) but it really took the weight off while we did!

Think it sounds fair at the moment. Pretty much exactly as we did, but he does bedtimes and I cook as I prefer it. I used to do quite a bit with the baby in a sling as got bored easily when they were little just sitting around.

When I went back to work we got a cleaner so neither of us do any cleaning now (both our least favourite job!), worth the money and more. That way we have the weekends completely free.

We both put a wash on when required. My husband has got up, unloaded the dishwasher, stuck a wash on and got the little one ready for nursery and dropped them off on his way to work. I’m checking my emails in bed with a coffee!

I don't think in your current situation it's necessary to view the chores as entirely yours, overall it sounds fairly balanced in terms of tasks you are both doing.
Its not like you are stuck doing housework all the time and he is swanning off, he is either at work or looking after DS.
Yes he does a hobby 2 nights a week, but then if you want to go out and do something you need to plan it in, otherwise surely on those nights DS is in bed and you have some time to chill? Then DH brings DS out on a weekend morning so you have some free time.
Cooking and grocery shopping are two big tasks that need doing and you aren't including those.

I think for being on mat leave your split sounds pretty fair to be honest, and it is rare I say that on a mumsnet post!

I think the main issue is your blurred lines between "down time" and housework.

"He NEVER expected me to do housework while he was looking after the kids, he wanted me to chill. But I couldn’t relax knowing if I didn’t do the house then, it just wouldn’t get done."

I think this sums it up exactly actually, dh will fully expect me and encourage me to go and chill but I can't relax if there is stuff to be done without feeling guilty and then regretting it later. I maybe need to try and build more of a routine into my housework etc so I can separate it out a bit. Don't get me wrong often I don't mind because it's nice to do something different and I like being able to stick the headphones in and having things sitting fairly well it puts me in a much better mental state when things are reasonably tidy.

We did try for me to have one night a week where I could get time to myself but it's really only the last couple of weeks where ds will settle at night if dh does put him to bed or responds if he wakes. Up until now it's just not been possible for me to get out of the house or even just have a bath. So hopefully that will get easier!

I would love a cleaner (or a dishwasher or tumble dryer) but not on the cards for us unfortunately. Childcare will take a massive chunk of my wage when I go back we get no help with costs in this area plus we've no space for more appliances but one day...

Really appreciate all the responses, I think sometimes you can just get a bit caught up in your own head about things so good to hear it seems fair at the moment!