To feel stupid for crying over this?

[Nobody12]

I am late thirties, single and no kids. Nobody ever hugs me, listens to my thoughts and although I am chronically ill, I don't see myself as worth taking care of because I feel I am a nobody. An embarrassment.
Today I cried at work. Nobody saw as I excused myself but all my manager did was thank me for something and as she went, she lightly touched my back. That contact was enough to make me cry.

You're not an embarrassment . Please don't think like that. There will always be somebody you can talk to and share your feelings with. If you feel upset depressed or anything that makes you feel like this please seek support and speak to a therapist. You can get referred through your Gp, you may have cover through work.

Know that you are not alone in these thoughts. Many of us go through similar and life is hard.

I remember feeling the same and what helped me was going for a walk to clear my head in the mornings, rain or shine. I started eating better to make myself feel better and changed my wardrobe to clothes that actually fit me and suited my shape as opposed to terrible fits. I know this isn't useful as what helped me May not help you but there will always be someone you can speak to and someone who will be there for you.

I pray you feel better, may god grant you health and happiness. Sending you love

Your post absolutely broke my heart! Don't suffer in silence, reach out to anybody that you used to be remotely close to and arrange a catch up l! If that isn't possible then join your local library reading club or find out what local events are on in your area. You are absolutely important no matter how low you feel! I'd give you a hug now if I could, but I'm sending you virtual hugs.

You are ‘touch starved’. There is a link in this article to another article that explains how you can deteriorate physically and emotionally without touch. You are not a nobody and you are worth taking care of. Please speak to your Dr about how you are feeling, and maybe book in for a reflexology session. It will not only leave you feeling relaxed and cared for, you will benefit from the human contact, and it’s less personal than a body massage. I hope things feel better for you soon.
https://www.nimbleosteopathy.co.uk/touch-are-you-feeling-touch-starved/

That honesty OP about feeling lonely and our human need to be valued can be used to help you reshape your life. Connections and touch matter and you can build them. Start by valuing you a bit more and build from there. Have you got any other positive relationships you can feed with more effort and nurture?

As a sometime sufferer that is a text book description of clinical depression….get help - your negative thoughts are not truth they are a product of the depression- been there - with proper medication you will be a different person. Sending gentle care…

How I do understand why you feel this way Nobody12. Please change this name you ARE a Somebody and a sensitive caring one too.

My husband died 3.5yrs ago and one of the things I miss most is having a hug and someone’s arms around me. I was feeling unwell all last week, very fluey and achey and even a little hug would have made me feel better.

Humans need hugs and a comforting shoulder to lean on from time to time and is is proof of this when even the smallest gesture can so affect us as it did you.

Not long ago a nice man in a shop said “There you go darling’ “:as he handed me my small bag of shopping and I went outside and just burst into tears at his kindness. He no more thought he was doing me a favour but just a tiny kind gesture really affected me. It is sad and painful to feel starved of physical touch. I do hope you feel better soon, I wish I could give you a big hug, please know I do feel for you. X

Sending you huge virtual hugs OP! Wish I could give you one in person.

It is a real thing and obviously not the easiest to resolve. If it helps I’m sure on lockdown lots of people experienced this if they didn’t have partners or someone to cuddle with.

You mention you are chronically ill so it sounds like you are dealing with a lot.

Do you like animals? Might be worth getting a pet if you can or doing borrow my doggy/rover to spend some time with a dog regularly.

You are absolutely worth taking care of yourself 🩷 If you haven’t got friends near you or that you are regularly maybe try and open yourself up to meeting new people. A yoga class/walking group or similar.

My dear @Nobody12, you are being unreasonable for feeling stupid about crying.

I think it's only unreasonable to cry if it's a deliberate act in order to manipulate people.

You cried in response to someone giving you praise and physical contact. It was involuntary, and then you hid your emotions.

That, the hiding of your emotions, might very well have been unreasonable.

We are all overcome sometimes. It is ok the feel overwhelmed. I wish you felt secure enough to be able to show it in front of your colleagues, but if that wasn't right for you that's ok.

Now then, it would be a good idea to take care of yourself in a different way than you have been. Because it sounds to me like it's not working well enough. You need more care. And/or different kinds of care.

If you were your friend, how would you care for you? Would you be kind to your friend, and tell them that it's hard and it's ok to feel this way?

I work as a manager. If one of my team felt like you do, I would be personally and professionally gutted if I didn't know, and they didn't feel like they could tell me about it. If I knew I could find ways to help. The first thing I would do is listen.

You have spoken on here about how you feel. Good on you for putting it out here. I am listening. We're listening. Please can you say more about how you feel.

Big hug for you <hug>

You are definitely not alone in this, I read an article recently about how a woman really looked forward to going to the hairdresser because it was the only time she had physical contact with another person. That's very lonely and anyone would feel that way its completely natural and normal. You're absolutely deserving of care and love and good things. Could you go for counselling to build your self esteem and really be heard in a safe space and then build up to maybe some hobbies you'd like to try? That would give you more connection to people with similar interests who are also probably trying to meet new people. It sounds like you bring much more to the table than you think you're clearly valued in the workplace and all the skills you use in work are transferable to social life too.

Have you thought about getting a massage every so often?

It'll be good for your muscles and body in general - but I think also good for your mind.

I think a massage will do you the world of good....

I'm in a similar situation OP. Early 40s, childless, chronically ill and also fairly recently single. It's hard. Really hard. I understand that sense of feeling really disconnected from things, lonely and a bit 'pointless'. There are no easy answers, it's ok to feel really shit and sad about it, it's ok to cry. It helps me having cats and spending time with dogs, I get a lot back from them. I try to stay connected to my friends (although that's very hard with chronic illness and not feeling like you necessarily have much to offer) being in nature helps a bit, trying to feel really cosy at home. Sending hugs

Thank you for all your kind replies.
I tried the hairdressers but she just made me feel even worse about myself. Commenting on my thin hair and asking why it's like that.
Massage is an idea although would worry about hard pressure on my back with my condition.
I find it hard taking care of myself. I'm finding I don't really bother. Yet I crave being taken care of by someone else which I know is pathetic. Being the age I am with the situation I am in, it's hard not to feel unimportant and worthless in many ways.

What about getting a pet like a cat? Ragdoll cats are very affectionate and large house cats that love to be cuddled and carried.

Hi. This really resonated with me. I'm a similar age, no friends, relationship with remaining family members broken down. No kids, but never wanted them. Very lonely too. It's been so long now I think I would find it hard to attempt to make a connection which might lead to a friendship.

You could try cuddle therapy. Basically paying for a good hug.There's surprisingly many people offering it, therefore presumably there's a lot of people making use of it.

@Kleptronic I could never tell my boss any of this. Sometimes I do think she picks up on how I feel about myself though. She is very perceptive and extremely caring. I know she values me but wouldn't want to put this on her.
I can't get a pet at present but I wish I could.
Thank you all for being here. Really. It means a lot.

Hi OP, you’re not stupid for crying at all so in that sense I do think yabu 🙂but more seriously, I also think you are worthwhile and valuable. I really sympathise with feelings of isolation and loneliness. I don’t know if you saw this recent thread - some of the suggestions and links there may be helpful. You are not alone.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4907612-why-is-there-so-little-resources-for-lonely-women?page=3&reply=129547185

A world where it's stupid to cry because you are lonely is not a world I really want to live in.

I agree with above, can you get a pet? You might be limited with your condition and your living situation, but you are not so lonely with a fur ball cuddling you.

all the best and positivity op, for me i believe in me, i live for me, i share my thoughts on here with fellow mumsnetters, yes i have some friends but me being me, trust no one sorta philosophy or at least trust no one with any thing deep or secretive etc, basically im bond james bond,

that said sometimes even with friends i still fell lonely at times as you can never risk the full truth when talking with people about some of my philosophies, perspectives, conspiracy theories, to many times in the past you see others confide their secrets in their "friends" only then for it to be one said x , etc

Sending you a massive virtual hug @Nobody12 ❤️ A single friend of mine has regular massages to get that contact. I am sure there would be someone who could modify their pressure level and listen with care about your physical condition.

A therapist, a different hair stylist, someone to do your eyebrows and have a chat, a personal trainer who helps you with gentle exercises - these could all really mitigate how isolated you feel.

How about a women’s group nearby? Or MeetUp get togethers?

If a dog is too much because of walking how about a cat?

Sending love to you. And your boss sounds like a kind person who sees real value in you 💐

I'm really sorry you're feeling like this.

However, this isn't just about someone touching you, is it? You also say that you don't take care of yourself because you don't think you're worthy of it and you describe yourself as an embarrassment. You sound severely clinically depressed to me, and I think you need to see your GP about your mental health.

Obviously things like massage or whatever would be nice and are good suggestions, but you need proper medical help too.

Sending a virtual hug, as that's the best I can do xx

Do you have time to visit or volunteer at a retirement home? Often residents don't have family near enough to regularly visit. Play cards, read them a book, or just let them talk about their life while holding their hand. Often they are short on physical affection, too, and may be open to hugs.