To expect DP to limit his screen time to set an example to DS?

[DIYandEatCake]

10yo DS is addicted to gaming and YouTube - it’s all he wants to do in his spare time and he’s lost interest in most of the other activities he used to enjoy. It’s a failure on our part, I know. I want to set healthy limits on screen time (and have been trying to do this for ages) but the problem is, DP also spends all his spare time gaming or on screens. As soon as he finishes work, he’s straight on the PlayStation (unless DS is already on it), or watching stuff on his iPad with headphones in. I’ve suggested a limit of an hour per day for DS, and that DP (and me with my phone - I set screen time limits for myself already) do the same (until after the kids’ bedtime) so the screens aren’t permanently on. DP won’t do this though, as everything he enjoys is screen-based and he can’t think of anything else he’d want to do, so we’re kind of stuck. DS looks up to his dad and wants to be like him. He’s not interested in any of my hobbies or in being like me (everything I do is boring apparently), and is resentful when I make him read or take him out for some fresh air. I feel like he’d be more willing to do these things if DP did them too. AIBU to expect DP to see that we’re not helping DS and set a better example? I should add that DP is a kind and loving dad and partner, works hard, and this is the only thing we really disagree on.

It sounds like DP has the same problems. It could be a good opportunity for him to find other things he enjoys.

One hour a day screen time limit is ridiculously low.

You might be able to come to something more reasonable like no Playstation or screens after dinner to encourage reading before bed.

Tbh as an adult who uses screens a lot to game or watch things or scroll the internet / socialising etc I really wouldn't respond well to my partner telling me I can only have an hour a day until the kids are in bed.

What are the interests your son used to enjoy?

I think it is reasonable to expect DP to read with him and for you all to go out as a family for for fresh air and to do non screen activities with your son but I don't think you put time limits in your partner's screen time.

I spend a lot of time on screens and appreciate 'screens' covers a lot (e.g. I use mine for reading, writing stories, learning piano via an app, learning languages, communicating with friends, so know it's not always tv/games (and those have their benefits too))
so can see the pp's points about 1hr being low
but it does sound incredibly sad that neither your DS not DP can think of ANYTHING they enjoy doing that's not screen based, and doesn't exactly scream healthy life style. Presumably they don't get much exercise or fresh air?

Is he really a great dad if they don't do anything together? Surely most kids' fond memories with their parents are doing stuff, whether that's playing games, sports together, fooling around on holiday, fun days out, dad reading to them at bed time etc., not watching tv together.

Would you have more luck if you can spin it another way e.g. you can spend as much time on screens as you want once you've spent at least half an hour/1 hour (or longer on weekends) doing something non screen (and encourage dp to try and do as much of that with him as possible) - can be anything from reading a book/kick around in the garden/baking a cake/tidying his room/playig out with friends/chatting to you while helping cook dinner, etc. and then bigger things like trying a new sport on the weekend, going to a park, visiting grandparents/going to the shops, whatever

At least then it sounds a bit more positive as if you're trying to add to his life rather than take something away.

Thank you - I’m actually feeling a bit reassured that the general consensus is that I’m being unreasonable. I think I’m imagining most other families spend the evenings doing stuff together, and that their kids enjoy reading and making stuff etc, but realistically I guess so much of life is on screens now. I’ve tried saying ‘let’s go out in the garden for a bit and then you can play on the PlayStation later’ but the reply is always ‘but daddy’s on the PlayStation, why do I have to go outside?’. They do gaming together which is something they bond over. On the rare occasions DP does get up and do other stuff, DS tends to follow him, but DP can’t see this and thinks the kids don’t care or notice what he does. DS used to enjoy reading, building stuff with Lego, playing with his sister, riding his bike. We go swimming every week which he does enjoy. My DP works on a computer all day so I do worry that 12 hours a day looking at screens isn’t good for him either.

I have also tried showing an interest and gaming with DS but he gets frustrated with me as frankly I’m rubbish at it.

I think your concerns are fair enough

but really the problem it with a DP who is only on screens

what does he do at the weekend? does he cook? can DS help him cooking?

swim more often?

Is your DH fit (sport?)

Sorry but this sounds sad to me. Dad is glazed over on screens and has no interest in supporting a 10 year old to develop healthier range of interests?

I dont think that is healthy op im on your side

My kids have screen time but have other hobbies annd enjoy outdoor play etc

Being in the garden alone isnt very enticing though...i heavily lean on making sure groups of kids do stuff together

At 10 my son liked spending hours in the park after school ..i would take a few kids or even they begin to go alone

Mine have unlimited screentime as long as homework is done. I have no idea why people are so fridged about screen time as long as its not affecting their attitude or damaging their education.

I really don't think you can control your partners usage though he should back you more with wanting family time.

Every weekend we have an evening together to play board games, watch a film, go out , play a video game etc

Mine don't just game and watch YouTube but do use it to read, study, watch educational stuff.

Ds 11 and dh are both addicted to the Xbox here, as soon as one comes off, the other goes on. And if it’s not that then it’s iPads. To be honest I’ve just given up worrying about it now. Ds is out at school all day and plays online with his friends in the evening, lots of laughing and being social - we have the Xbox in the living room so I can hear everything that’s going on. We do get him off at 7.30pm so he can have a shower and then he tends to go on his iPad and draw at the same time (he’ll listen to music / shows on the iPad). I don’t think it’s awful, it’s just the way things seem to be now. He’d be missing out a lot socially if we limited him to an hour a day! 😳

I will say though that we’re quite an active family at the weekend- always out and about, live rurally so long country walks etc etc. And he still enjoys those things too.

An hour isn’t long enough at all.

Does your partner think your son's screen time and lack of other interests is normal for his age?

If not then I think you need to focus on discussing this more or coming to a compromise because if there is an issue that you fundamentally disagree on its going to be very difficult to enforce a change, he needs to be on the same page as you.

If he does think there is an issue, then what does he think can be done about it? Does he really think he can do one thing and say another? If your son was addicted to sugar would he stand infrotn of him eating sweets while telling him to cut back?

I agree with PP that it's not the screens that are the issue it's the lack of other things. So I'd not focus on reducing screens but on increasing the other family activities you do

Just because lots of people also do the same, doesn't mean it is a good thing or healthy.

What a 10 year old needs is BALANCE.

My 3 kids are allowed as much screen time as they like, but... they have to EARN it doing like for like minutes of other activities like music practice, sports, reading, helping out, cooking etc...

The younger two have no screens after 8pm, and 9pm for my 13 year old.

Move from the focus on screens and think of what a healthy happy 10 year olds life would ideally look like

lots of play with friends...lots of time outdoors especially after a sedentary day at school. Lots of fun and social time and challenge to help him become a thoughtful adult.

If screen time is replacing this completely then its too much
I would find your dh behaviour such a turn off tbh. A grown man sunk into video gaming instead of helping his child thrive and grow up healthy