Sick and tired of being the 'default' parent

[Pissedoffmumgrrrrrrr]

Split with DD dad, and I have primary residence. He sees her every other weekend - his choice.

im so sick of being the default for everything. Ex will complain at me, say I'm controlling etc but the fact is he is not a parent by any standard. He doesn't know who DD's teachers are, didn't buy any school uniform, didn't do any of the arrangements for school, doesn't arrange or pay for any clubs, the list goes on.

im so sick of being made out to be this evil witch and him an amazing dad who doesn't get to see his child as much as he wants. It's such a false, disgusting narrative and I'm exhausted with it. I'm exhausted having to carry the load of raising a child on my own whilst he plays the victim.

sorry I know there isn't an aibu in there, I just needed to rant.

Rant away. 🙂

I'm in the same situation although I have to admit I prefer it. My ex is so incompetent and ds was so often let down, that ex being less involved actually does less harm.

But I'd love to have someone else cope with school problems or shoe shopping or trying to get an appt with the dentist. Yadnbu.

Thank you ❤️

I agree it is easier because I can just get on and arrange what needs to be done and I know everything is just taken care of. I'm just finding myself so resentful, like this is not what I signed up for. I signed up to have a baby with someone and be a team, do it together. Yes me and ex didn't work out but why does that seemingly absolve him of any responsibility to his child. Why do I have to pick everything up?

obvs I'd never be without my child and I love them dearly, it's just hard working full time, raising a child full time. I have no time to myself, my house is always a state and I just say here wondering is this it for the rest of my life?

When the tough younger stage is over who will be reaping the rewards of the hard work? Having a great relationship with a dc aged teen +is great! And adult dc who is fun to be with is fantastic! Which dp will be the one festering way under long forgotten cobwebs? Won't be you op!

Yes, it is tiring trying to do everything and unfortunately, most of it is invisible to children. They might see dinner on the table or clean sheets on the beds, but they don't see the earning money, shopping, cooking, washing, ironing etc that goes into it. Unfortunately, when a "Disney Dad" turns up once or twice a month, what they do is very showy and visible (usually visible on Facebook too with hashtags like fathersontime / fatherdaughtertime!) Very galling.

What are you hoping for going forward?Would you like him to have your child more regularly? Do you want him to contribute more financially towards uniform, hobbies or upkeep? If so, you need to have some big conversations with him.

Or do you want less involvement from him, just want more time to yourself? In which case, perhaps see if you can arrange a few playdates or babysitters to give yourself some time back?

How old is your child? If school age then she is old enough to help with the household chores. You shouldn't have to do it all alone - think about what she can start to do to help out (whether that's putting her toys away or changing the beds, depending on age, she should be able to do something).

💐

You are the lucky one

Strikes me that all of those things are the result of the arrangement - whether his choice or not, if he's only ever seeing her at weekends then he can never really be involved in any of the school stuff.

That can be looked at either (or both) of two ways - you can't really complain about being the default parent because most parenting happens during the week and that's what you agreed to, but also...he can't complain about you being controlling, because he agreed to alternate weekends only and most of the actual parenting happens during the week.

If either (or both) of you want it to change, then the only way that's going to happen is with a different arrangement whereby he sees her more during the week and thus has to take on more of the hard yards when it comes to parenting. Of course, that'll mean more negotiation and compromise between you, which may or may not be desirable.

God yes, I'm with you!