Feeling smothered by work

[Housekeeperbatcocoa]

I work in a private house as a housekeeper. The house owner is an older lady (70s) who lives alone. She had a riding accident a few months ago resulting in a broken hip and had become profoundly depressed which means all she's doing is sitting on the couch. She has carers in four times a day but refuses to let them help her - she wants me to do everything and at the moment I'm really struggling with the pressure.

Her dog has a vet appointment today at 4pm - it's my day off but I said I'd go in and take the dog because no-one else will. We agreed I'd get there for around 3pm and I wrote it on the calendar.

She's rang me three times today to confirm I'm still going and to let me know she's had an accident in bed overnight meaning the bedding will need to be changed. She won't let the carers do this in general though today the carer who was in overhead the phone call (it was on speaker) and said she'd deal with the bed.

She has lots of family but none of them seem to help her with the day to day stuff meaning it all falls on me. It's getting her her pills, making her endless cups of tea, listening to the same rants over and over and it's absolutely wearing me down - I'm barely keeping on top of the housework because of it. I feel totally out of sympathy, especially because she's refusing to do anything to help herself! (Physio gave her exercises and told her to do some gentle exercise every day but she won't do anything - just sits on the couch complaining that she's full of aches and pains!)

I'm really starting to feel smothered by the pressure - the phone rang today while I was in the shower and I went from relaxed to feeling very tense and worried because I knew it would be another thing on my mental load!

I'm looking and applying for other jobs but have had no luck yet so just need to manage this. I feel like she had no respect for my boundaries but then feel bad pushing back because she's not well at the moment!

Sorry, not really sure what the point of this post is but just needed to get it out!

That sounds really tough. Has it only become like this since the accident or is it ongoing and just worsened?

She's always been a bit lonely and needy but it absolutely has gotten worse since the accident.

Your job description is to keep the house tidy, no? Why can't you just refuse to do all the other tasks she's throwing at you? Is she paying you more money? Do what you're paid to do and then leave. She'll soon take the hint.

This sounds so tough particularly as she's vulnerable and is clearly very comfortable with you and has become dependent on you. How much would she tolerate a conversation about it, along the lines of "I really like working here but I feel that since your accident the boundaries have shifted and you're asking me to take on a great deal more work, and some of that work is more appropriate for your carers. I'm obviously happy to step up in the circumstances, as I did with the dog's visit to the vet, but I need for you to let the carers do the jobs they're paid for, I can't take it all on."

So you’ve been working for this woman since well before her accident? I’ll be blunt- she needs you more than you need her right now.

It’s time to be clear, ‘Jenny, I’m here to help with the house and the carers are here to help you with your personal care. We need to stick to that. ‘ When she calls you at home tell her yes, it’s definitely in your diary but you have a busy day and won’t be by your phone so no need to call again.

Why was the vet arranged on your day off? That’s not ok. You need to put some boundaries in. Depending on how well you know her it might also encourage her to get herself moving if you withdraw a little.

Does she have family you can talk to about your concerns that she’s depressed?

Her friend was meant to be taking the dog to the vet but has covid so is staying at home. It's one of those thing where the dog needs to be seen but isn't quite an emergency, if that makes sense, so I didn't want to change it.

Thanks for the ideas oh how to phrase things - I've been trying to figure out how to word it but when I do it it sounds really cold and uncaring!

I wish me stepping back would encourage her to do more for herself but by all accounts (from the carers and her friend) she just leans on them instead. I don't think she's been out of the house since she came home from the rehab place in the summer!

Her family know about her MH but they're all busy with families and full on jobs (teaching/vet/other medical field type things) so are already quite stretched!

But if she leans on the carers and her friend that at least shares the burden for you? It sounds as if you’ve somewhat allowed yourself to become her default go-to person for everything.

If you are responsible for the whole house maybe you can make her a drink then tell her that upstairs really needs attention and spend more time in other rooms? That might even get her moving a little. If she’s lost confidence and her family aren’t very involved she has become emotionally dependent on you. While that’s not great it’s possible she’d take some gentle prompts to start her rehab or even be up for the idea of having a physio visit her?

You sound very caring but don’t let this get worse. If you previously enjoyed the job it’s a shame to have to leave. If you didn’t well, keep up the job hunting.

Sorry, I wasn't clear - I'm happy for her to use the carers and family more, just not convinced that me stepping back would encourage her to be more active. I think she'd just sit on the sofa and let people bring her things rather than getting up herself.