Is this S/A | Mumsnet

Sensitivesallys · 2023-10-03T11:02:51+00:00

Trigger warning⚠️ I'm posting here for traffic. I met a man online when I was almost 14. He was a university student and was an adult in his early 20s. I told him i was 13. He acted surprised and a little annoyed but still wanted to meet me. So we met just before I turned 14 and did some sexual acts on each other. When I turned 14, he took my virginity. So my question is, is this S/A? I ask because I enjoyed every moment of it, I wasn't forced. But now I have severe trust issues with men, I always wonder their intentions, and it largely affects my relationships. I can't tell if that's because of what happened when I was 13.

Original poster

Sensitivesallys · 03/10/2023 12:03

I forgot to add that I'm now 29.

OP posts:

WhyDoesItAlways · 03/10/2023 12:31

It's sexual activity with a child and illegal in the UK.

BorisIsACuntWaffle · 03/10/2023 12:36

Yes it's illegal under 16

xILikeJamx · 03/10/2023 12:38

The man is a paedophile

10HailMarys · 03/10/2023 12:40

He was an adult and you were 13 so yes, that’s sexual abuse. It doesn’t matter that you enjoyed it, and you don’t need to feel guilty about that - it’s totally understandable. Teenagers have sexual feelings, and you fancied him - you did nothing wrong.

But he did. He knew you were a child and he pursued you for that reason. I don’t believe he was truly ‘surprised’ to learn you were a child at all, and he was grooming you. Any adult who still pursues sexual activity with someone after being told that person is 13 is an adult who is actively seeking for sex with a child. So yes, it’s abuse. It doesn’t matter if you were an enthusiastic and willing partner - you were barely even an adolescent, and you didn’t have the legal or emotional capacity to give informed consent.

I’m really sorry this happened to you, and I think subconsciously you’ve known for a long time that it was sexual abuse, hence your wariness of trusting men. I think maybe counselling might help you work through your feelings about what happened. Lots of love to you - this must be a really difficult thing to process with a ton of conflicting emotions around it.

Jesskitty · 03/10/2023 12:41

Are you asking about the legal issue? Or morally?
legally it’s statutory rape in the UK even with consent. But the police and crown prosecution etc may choose not to prosecute.
Morally - it’s gross, when I was in my 20s I was not having anything to do with 13 year olds. He took advantage and was wrong. You can’t willingly consent to a relationship with an adult, he understood what he was consenting to but you did not. If you feel it has impacted on you please speak to sexual abuse and/or women’s charities.

x2boys · 03/10/2023 12:54

Jesskitty · 03/10/2023 12:41

Are you asking about the legal issue? Or morally?
legally it’s statutory rape in the UK even with consent. But the police and crown prosecution etc may choose not to prosecute.
Morally - it’s gross, when I was in my 20s I was not having anything to do with 13 year olds. He took advantage and was wrong. You can’t willingly consent to a relationship with an adult, he understood what he was consenting to but you did not. If you feel it has impacted on you please speak to sexual abuse and/or women’s charities.

Legally there is no.such thing as statutory tape in the UK
Its sex with a minor still illegal.and still gross

x2boys · 03/10/2023 12:56

xILikeJamx · 03/10/2023 12:38

The man is a paedophile

No he's not he had sex with a minor which is illegal.and suggests he groomed her
A paedophile is someone who is attracted to.prepubescent children.

MidnightOnceMore · 03/10/2023 12:58

There is a charity called NAPAC who can speak to you confidentially about this.
https://napac.org.uk/

Itsnotyouitsthewholesystem · 03/10/2023 12:59

Yes. Definitely. You did nothing wrong. You were a child discovering their sexuality. He did. He was an adult abusing a child.

Original poster

Sensitivesallys · 03/10/2023 13:06

x2boys · 03/10/2023 12:56

No he's not he had sex with a minor which is illegal.and suggests he groomed her
A paedophile is someone who is attracted to.prepubescent children.

Show quote history

He would be a hebephilia, x2boys.

OP posts:

PenelopePoopStop · 03/10/2023 13:09

Yes this is sexual abuse. It took me a long time to even acknowledge that I was not at fault as a drunk 13 year old. What happened to me messed with my head and I think a lot of issues come from this time. I blamed myself until I became a mum and then saw with clarity. There are many organisations that offer counselling, some free, there one via the police which is counselling not with a view to prosecuting or anything, just support. I haven’t dared to unlock this box as I’m frankly petrified to go over it with an adult perspective but I know at some point it needs dealing with. Sending you solidarity from a formerly wild 13 year old girl, x

Original poster

Sensitivesallys · 03/10/2023 13:10

10HailMarys · 03/10/2023 12:40

He was an adult and you were 13 so yes, that’s sexual abuse. It doesn’t matter that you enjoyed it, and you don’t need to feel guilty about that - it’s totally understandable. Teenagers have sexual feelings, and you fancied him - you did nothing wrong.

But he did. He knew you were a child and he pursued you for that reason. I don’t believe he was truly ‘surprised’ to learn you were a child at all, and he was grooming you. Any adult who still pursues sexual activity with someone after being told that person is 13 is an adult who is actively seeking for sex with a child. So yes, it’s abuse. It doesn’t matter if you were an enthusiastic and willing partner - you were barely even an adolescent, and you didn’t have the legal or emotional capacity to give informed consent.

I’m really sorry this happened to you, and I think subconsciously you’ve known for a long time that it was sexual abuse, hence your wariness of trusting men. I think maybe counselling might help you work through your feelings about what happened. Lots of love to you - this must be a really difficult thing to process with a ton of conflicting emotions around it.

Thank you for your kind response.
I don't think I've ever fully processed what happened. Maybe my mind suppresses the memories? I am going to give counselling a go, I have many issues now as an adult and need to figure out the cause. Thank you

OP posts:

Original poster

Sensitivesallys · 03/10/2023 13:14

Thanks for the replies, everyone.
Really puts things into perspective.
I think counselling is the way forward from here. Hopefully I can address my issues and find some inner peace.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sensitivesallys · 03/10/2023 13:19

PenelopePoopStop · 03/10/2023 13:09

Yes this is sexual abuse. It took me a long time to even acknowledge that I was not at fault as a drunk 13 year old. What happened to me messed with my head and I think a lot of issues come from this time. I blamed myself until I became a mum and then saw with clarity. There are many organisations that offer counselling, some free, there one via the police which is counselling not with a view to prosecuting or anything, just support. I haven’t dared to unlock this box as I’m frankly petrified to go over it with an adult perspective but I know at some point it needs dealing with. Sending you solidarity from a formerly wild 13 year old girl, x

I'm so sorry for what happened to you too. I really thought that because I enjoyed it, no harm was done, but years later, I have so many issues with trust, particularly in men, and I can only attribute it to my experiences as a child. Sending love to you

OP posts:

PenelopePoopStop · 03/10/2023 13:32

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