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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To sleep with my daughter

51 replies

Boundoverbyacat · 02/10/2023 19:15

I co-parent my daughter who’s nearly 8 so it’s just me in my king size bed. Over the last couple of years she’s chosen to sleep in my bed with me about 70% of the time. She goes to sleep alone and is fine. Sometimes she wants to sleep in her room and is also fine.

I don’t mind at all but I was just reading a Twitter thread where a psychiatrist told a woman this was unusual and damaging. Is it? Surely kids have slept with their parents the world over for centuries?

how is it damaging?

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 02/10/2023 20:47

I used to regularly sleep with my Nan . Poor Grandad would be turfed out! I was scared of sleeping on my own in their large home .My DD liked sleeping with us too when younger . I think its more weird that we are with our DC 90% of the time and they are expected to sleep alone all night long when its dark!

herecomesthestorm · 02/10/2023 20:53

Not damaging at all IMO! Enjoy the cuddles and time together! Without sounding cliche, it won't last forever Smile

Caledoniablue · 02/10/2023 20:53

Nothing weird about it OP!
Like a pp says its weirder that we prefer to have someone (dh etc) in bed with us but expect our children to be happy to and want to sleep alone.
Almost 3yo ds sleeps with me every night, the only reason I want him out is he kicks like a demon Grin I'd miss him really though if he decided to go to his own bed

specialk9 · 02/10/2023 20:55

Absolutely not. Enjoy it while it lasts.

Justcallmebebes · 02/10/2023 20:59

I co slept with all my kids. They're all grown now and have come to no harm. Now I co sleep with my GC's when DP is working away. Their choice

HamBone · 02/10/2023 21:08

My DS (15) was occasionally popping into our bed until last year! DH is going away for a few days soon and I wouldn’t be surprised if DS decides to sneak in again once or twice. The dog sleeps beside the bed as well. It’s a menagerie. 😂

Whalewatchers · 02/10/2023 21:16

I've co-slept with my son who is 7 since my wife was pregnant with our second child (so since the age of 3). He co-slept with her since he was born. It honestly feels like the most natural thing in the world. However, around about 4 years ago, two female colleagues, upon discovering this in conversation with me, took it upon themselves to pass judgement and remarked 'sorry, I just don't understand it' (whilst pulling a horribly uncomfortable face) and 'I don't get it, they won't learn to be independent, you aren't doing them any good'. Which to be honest, made this first time parent feel pretty shit when all we were obviously trying to do was our very best for our son.

Flyhigher · 02/10/2023 21:20

Mine slept with us till age 10. She just decided she couldn't be 10 and sleeping with us. A friends daughter slept with them until she was 14. It's normal. Don't worry. Enjoy it. You will be so sad when it ends. Then they start sleepovers and th y cuddle other teen friends. So... enjoy it while it lasts !

Alltheyearround · 02/10/2023 21:22

Our 13 year old DS sometimes wants to sleep with me in the big bed, or have his dad next to his bed in the fold out couch. He has dyspraxia and is a little 'young' for his age. It won't be forever, as pp have said.

We're so mad keen as a society on independence but sometimes our children - and us - need connection and comfort from being physically close. Have you ever seen The Croods? They have a sleep pile. I'm pretty sure that's historically factual. For most humans, through history, in most of the world. Modern westerners are a bit of an oddity in the bigger context. Though I actually liked having my own room/bed as a child and teen. So whatever works.

Enjoy whilst it still happens!

Needhelp101 · 02/10/2023 21:24

As a PP said, I think it's the most natural thing in the world!

Flyhigher · 02/10/2023 21:25

It's so comforting. And they will soon stop wanting to. Don't feel weird. Sometimes now. I think if she only cuddled us and slept with us every now and then she'd be a bit calmer.

But those days are long gone! So enjoy the closeness and lack of teen stresses. Also. If they sleep with you they get up when you do. Have breakfast with you. It's all easier.

ZeroFucksGivenToday · 02/10/2023 21:34

Nah! Ignore that!

my lovely 10yo DD used to get in every night. Now she's mostly in her bed in the week. But at the weekends, she always gets in my bed. We go up at the same time (just me and her in the house and two floofy cats!).

In fact she commented she's so happy now it's rainy and dark as we can do weekend early bed! So we both go up around 8pm (sometimes earlier!) and take hot water bottles, hot choc and books/iPad up early. Snuggle in bed. She watched crap on her ipd. I mumsnet! And then around 9:30 we turn everything off and have 30 mins nattering. She always grabs my hand for that part. The cats always join us too. It's lovely and cosy and part of a little ritual we do in winter. :)

I think like all the other posters. It's about a connection and wanting company. If it suits everyone then there is nothing wrong with it at all!

Yassification100 · 02/10/2023 21:35

It’s not damaging at all. It’s absolutely fine for you to continue for as long as you both want to.

8 is a young child. It’s normal for young children to seek closeness and security from a parent. She will grow out of it in time without you having to intervene.

Pickingmyselfup · 02/10/2023 21:43

I'm currently sleeping with my 8 year old son as a temporary measure and whilst it's not something I wish to continue long term because he's very annoying it's quite nice as a short term measure. I have no worries it might be damaging for him at all...me on the other hand if it continues much longer I can't say I won't go insane.

Original poster
Boundoverbyacat · 02/10/2023 21:47

*my lovely 10yo DD used to get in every night. Now she's mostly in her bed in the week. But at the weekends, she always gets in my bed. We go up at the same time (just me and her in the house and two floofy cats!).

In fact she commented she's so happy now it's rainy and dark as we can do weekend early bed! So we both go up around 8pm (sometimes earlier!) and take hot water bottles, hot choc and books/iPad up early. Snuggle in bed. She watched crap on her ipd. I mumsnet! And then around 9:30 we turn everything off and have 30 mins nattering. She always grabs my hand for that part. The cats always join us too. It's lovely and cosy and part of a little ritual we do in winter*

Lovely. isn’t sleeping with your daughter a million times better than with any partner!!!

OP posts:
notahappybunny7 · 02/10/2023 21:50

flosset · 02/10/2023 20:12

Don't think it's damaging but children going to sleep in their own room can promote self soothing. She clearly spends some time doing it herself so she will get there. I think it's only an issue if she was point blank refusing and showed no signs of progressing. Don't worry x

My 7 year old point blank refuses. She happily goes on sleepovers with her best friend but she says she doesn’t want to sleep in her own bed. She often plays in her room or reads in bed but when it’s time to sleep she’s in with me. She also sleeps in her own bed when we’re on holiday!

GG1986 · 02/10/2023 22:02

AllAboardTootToot · 02/10/2023 20:09

I think the partner texting his mummy ‘you are my everything’ might still hop in her bed and latch onto her tit 😳😂

😄 🤣 😂

DinnaeFashYersel · 02/10/2023 22:23

My 11 yo DD still sleeps in with me regularly. Fine with me. She will stop when the time is right.

My DS used to as well. He stopped when he was about 12. 🥲

mollyfolk · 02/10/2023 22:35

It is perfectly normal. I think it’s a sign that they see you as their safe place. My tween is upset about something at the moment and comes in and cuddles up late at night. And I’m just treasuring it as I know it’s fleeting.

AuntMarch · 02/10/2023 22:48

I love this thread. I've been wondering if I should be stopping it now my son is school age, but this has made me realise I don't want to until he decides 🥰.

GaraMedouar · 02/10/2023 22:54

My younger DS always snuck in with me until he was 7. DD age 12 still often comes into my bed probably around 50% of the time (I’m a single mum) - her choice , whenever she feels like it for a snuggle. I’m sure she won’t when she’s 20 but I think it’s very natural - she’ll grow out of it at some point (and she’s also nice and toasty when it’s cold!)

Wolvesart · 02/10/2023 22:55

It’s fine, she won’t always do this. It’s something comforting and not worrying.

My mum was one of 9 and in the farmhouse - pre the renovations - the 4 girls shared a bed, 1940s.

When I was in the 6th Form I went to visit a pen friend in Germany. We visited her extended family in the mountains and stayed with her grandmother. It was a tiny little ski lodge (in the summer) type cabin. Just one giant bed in which the 3 of us slept. Magical and the night I felt least homesick

Nevermind31 · 02/10/2023 22:57

Reading this with my 6 and 8 year old in our bed. They made their way here whilst we were downstairs, and DH will move them, but I don’t think it will do any harm if they choose to do so

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 02/10/2023 23:14

My granddaughter (7) and I read Harry Potter books in bed - mugs of hot chocolate (sleepover every Friday). She loves the space of the huge bed. She often falls asleep and I don't move her to her own bed. In fact I think she pretends to be fast asleep so I don't move her.

Last Friday I must've stared at her beautiful face for an age as she slept. I couldn't stop looking at her.

I'm treasuring this until she's naturally not interested in visiting her grandparents anymore. I'll never forget ....

She has a younger brother who is awake most of the night and is noisy/disruptive. It's the only night of the week she has chance of an uninterrupted sleep. Having said that - he was prescribed melatonin today. Magically he was asleep at precisely 7.18pm (mum watching his bedtime monitor) and he's actually still asleep - unheard of. They are all benefiting from the melatonin tonight. Bit of a miracle really.

hby9628 · 03/10/2023 07:06

My 8yo is the same. We just accept it now and purchased a bigger bed. I'm hoping she grows out of it soon but I will miss her when she does.

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