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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? BF buying a trip and tickets to a sport he loves for my birthday

26 replies

GOsp · 02/10/2023 18:11

So, it's nearly my 40th. I organise pretty much everything. Now, my bf and I have birthdays around a week apart. Since we got together (6 years ago) we've had a joint celebration, which I've organised. Nothing fancy, just a group of friends out cycling somewhere nice, then dinner and drinks. This year I told him it was in his hands to organise something for my 'big' birthday. (That I'm not organising it will be part of his gift!) In my head I'm thinking he can manage to sort out corralling friends for dinner and drinks. Not expecting miracles but that seems doable.
I hadn't heard anything from any friends and we're around 6 weeks away, so I'm thinking is he aiming for a surprise? But also... I know him, so it's possible he hasn't considered that people need a decent amount of notice and they can't just drop their own shit with a few days to go. I ask a mutual friend to give him a friendly nudge just to be sure all is sorted. Turns out I've not heard a peep because he's not organising a get together. He's decided to take me to Paris (oh my goodness, right?!) Except the whole point of this trip would be to spend two days watching Paris Supercross (motorbikes). And I don't even watch it on tv when it's on in the same room as me - it's just not my jam. He is however an ex rider and a big fan. I live in the UK and I've been a couple of times to Paris, once with my ex fiancée. It holds some memories not relevant to life now, and as a city it's not on my bucket list again. Like I've never, ever mentioned wanting to go back.
My immediate response when our mutual friend explained she was concerned was to feel upset. (She didn't immediately rat him out but mentioned something that clued me in. She just confirmed after I guessed.) This, compounded by the fact he told her I'd probably be cross about it but it's HIS birthday too dont you know and I could cry. And I'm not a crier.

On top of that he owes me some considerable money from being lent pennies to buy a bike... I just feel ... well don't know how to feel anymore.

Half of me thinks he's assuming Paris is romantic, that all women will like Paris (but I'm not a girly girl, most weekends I'm in the hills covered in mud) and the other half feels like he's spending money on himself, when he owes me money already, and calling it my present.

Maybe I set this up. A number of years ago his Xmas pressie from me was a very cheap ski trip which didn't go down as wonderfully as I thought. We'd been skiing before together, he was learning. I thought he enjoyed it and splurged to take us again on a budget package deal. Apparently not what he would have bought. So... maybe somehow in his head that justifies things? Or maybe I'm making excuses for him.

SHORT version- BF buys a long weekend city break where two days are taken up watching his favourite sport live, which I haven't the first clue about. But it's a present for me for my 40th. AIBU?

OP posts:
Cloverforever · 02/10/2023 18:17

Oh dear OP, I'm sorry. You have yourself a very selfish boyfriend I'm afraid.

VisionsOfSplendour · 02/10/2023 18:19

Without dropping your friend in it I think you have to have a frank conversation with him and hope that your tickets are refundable

frazzledasarock · 02/10/2023 18:20

Take a friend not him. It’s your birthday present.

WallaceinAnderland · 02/10/2023 18:21

That's extremely selfish of him OP. Sneaky too.

ASCCM · 02/10/2023 18:21

no!! Selfish guy!! Also , Paris is a bit rubbish so you should request he switches it to Vienna or somewhere!!

PurpleMonkeys · 02/10/2023 18:22

Sounds like a selfish cunt to me.

You're turning 40 and it sounds like that you feel it should be a day for friends and family and celebration etc. Not a trip for 2 to Paris to watch what he wants.
It's like him buying you a TV that just so happens to be the TV he's wanted to hook his Xbox up too...

Nah. Couldn't be doing with that.
See ya dickhead.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/10/2023 18:24

He's bought himself a birthday present. You're just along for the ride.

You can do far better than this selfish twat.

jeaux90 · 02/10/2023 18:25

Let him take a friend and you go away with your lovely friend who was worried about you.

ZenNudist · 02/10/2023 18:27

Yanbu. Do you see a future with him? Is he Always this selfish?

MintJulia · 02/10/2023 18:28

Refuse to go. Go stoney silent. Make your disappointment clear. Organise something lovely for yourself even if a spa day with your mum.

What a selfish git he is.

NoSquirrels · 02/10/2023 18:31

Or maybe I'm making excuses for him.

You are.

He TOLD your friend it was really a present for him and you’d be cross. How fucking selfish is he? It’s even worse than not considering your wishes in a clueless way - he’s crystal clear that you won’t think it’s a good surprise.

Organise a weekend with your mates. Say you assumed he’d forgotten to plan anything for your birthday.

HarrietStyles · 02/10/2023 18:31

When he tells you about his surprise be ready to say “that sounds like a nice trip for your birthday, but I’m not at all interested in Supercross, so better that you take a friend with you to that.” And then he’ll have to actually buy you a proper birthday present. Sounds like he is selfish and tight - thought he could get out of buying you a birthday present by dressing up a trip he wanted to do as your gift. I’d be fuming if I were you OP. I would be questioning if this man cared about me at all.

Turnthelightoff · 02/10/2023 18:32

Is the trip away for your actual birthday? Since you’ve discovered that he’s not planned anything with friends you could reveal you know this and so are sorting your own plans with friends. You could also say you are a little concerned it’s a surprise so far away from what you were expecting since you know friends have not been involved and ask if there is any flexibility in the plans. If there is, lay down exactly what you don’t want to do or places you don’t want to visit. There’s a chance he can sort something else but also the chance he won’t and then you might be even more disappointed.

NoSquirrels · 02/10/2023 18:35

Six years and you organise everything. Six years, and you’re ‘not expecting miracles’. Six years and you’re desperate to think this might be explained by payback for a ski trip you bought one time early on in your relationship.

Six years. Is he worth a seventh?

MrsKwazi · 02/10/2023 18:36

Why is he buying expensive trips if he still owes you money (for a bike!)

You can give yourself a great 40th birthday pressie by ditching him! Why would you send the best years of your life with someone so selfish??

Tinkerbyebye · 02/10/2023 18:38

You need a very frank conversation with him, it’s not something you would ever do and certainly not for your 40th so sorry mate you have to think again,

in this case I would be doing two separate events as it’s your special birthday

AbacusAvocado · 02/10/2023 18:47

That’s veering into dumping territory. It’s a really selfish nasty thing to do. Question is whether you want to put up with his shit for another 40 years or get out now.

mrsm43s · 02/10/2023 18:48

It's BOTH of your birthdays, yes?

And for the last 6 years, you've chosen what you want to do for your joint birthdays, and arranged it, yes? And this year, he's chosen what he wants to do for your joint birthday, and arranged it? Is it not his turn to get a choice?

I think it should have been discussed, and it definitely isn't a present for you, but I don't think it unreasonable that he has a choice this year. Time to have a discussion with him - point out that this trip is for his birthday, but you'd like to arrange a different trip for your birthday. If he's paying for the Paris trip, then you pay for the trip you arrange, or, assuming you're both going on both trips, you combine the cost of both trips and split it 50:50. Choose somewhere you particularly want to go for your trip, even if it's not really your DP's thing.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 02/10/2023 18:52

Definitely selfish when it's your big birthday

kitsuneghost · 02/10/2023 18:54

So you have picked a joint birthday for 6 years
This year he gets to pick (after telling him to) and then get upset because he didn't choose the usual

Go to Paris and do your own thing while he does the bikes and have a lovely time.

Nagado · 02/10/2023 19:03

I think you need to sort out a payment plan for the money he owes you. This should take priority over a city break for his sporting event, masquerading as your birthday present.

Patchworksack · 02/10/2023 19:14

He hasn’t just got it a bit wrong, has he? He’s acknowledged to the mutual friend that he’s aware it’s not what you want.
So it’s fine for him to plan this trip for HIS birthday treat, either with you smiling and nodding or with a mate that will actually be into it, but it’s not a good gift or a fitting celebration for your birthday.
You need to discuss it with him now whilst he can change plans and specify exactly what you want - better to have to say I want to go to x restaurant with Tom, Dick and Harry and I would like this gift, than to spend your birthday resentful.

whattttttodo · 02/10/2023 20:01

I'd either take a friend or exchange it for something else

SquishyGloopyBum · 02/10/2023 21:59

I'd be really annoyed about this. Not sure how to handle it though.

He sounds really selfish and inconsiderate.

Testina · 02/10/2023 22:13

You don’t have to drop your friend in it.
Just tell him - you liked the idea of him sorting out your birthday, but as it gets close reality has hit and you think you may be setting both of you up for failure, frustration, unhappiness and wasted money.
Tell him you’d rather jointly decide what you want to do.
Let him look you in the eye and tell you about the super bikes, then calmly say, “hmm, that’s really for your birthday. Take a friend. Right, what can we do jointly that works for us both?”
String him along until you have the money you’re owed.
Then tell him it’s not working.