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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This is a no brainer isn’t it?

26 replies

MumofOne7947 · 02/10/2023 01:05

In a dating dilemma;

Person A:

Find them very physically attractive, a lot of sexual chemistry and compatibility.
We never get bored of each other.
They are very good with children and has a great bond with my child (they already know them pre-dating).
They want the same things as me (long term relationship, marriage, more children).
It feels like I have a rare type of connection with this person based on how I feel about them.
HOWEVER…
They hardly make time or the effort to see me.
They struggle with commitment despite wanting a family life (according to them anyway).
I’ve caught them out in a few lies before, only little ones but still.
They never apologise when they hurt me, for example when they cancel plans at the last minute to see other friends or family.
I have given them multiple chances and yet they keep doing the same thing again and again (not cheating or anything like that).

Person B:

I haven’t known them as long but they always make the effort to talk to me and make plans with me, despite also having a busy life like Person A.
They have always been honest and are much more emotionally and mentally mature, they can actually have adult conversations without it turning into an argument.
I am attracted to them but not as much as I am with Person A.
They have a really lovely family and home environment which is really important to me as I’m very family oriented.
HOWEVER…
They are a few years younger than me and I don’t know what they actually want from someone - something short or long term.
They do work with children but I don’t think it comes as natural to them as with Person A and I believe Person A is better/more comfortable around my daughter.
Conversation doesn’t flow quite as easily as with Person A, but they do ask me more questions and seem more interested in me and my life than Person A.

Who would you choose?

OP posts:
ThinWomansBrain · 02/10/2023 01:10

why do you have to choose right now?
personally, I wouldn't go forward with someone I knew was a liar & couldn't be arsed to see me, but that doesn't mean that jumping into a long term relationship with B is the only other option.
B's appearing less comfortable with your child could be down to not knowing the child for as long.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/10/2023 01:11

Neither.

dontgobaconmyheart · 02/10/2023 01:11

Honestly neither, but I don't feel a pressure or need to be in a relationship so perhaps that's why. If neither is ticking boxes or feels completely natural then I'd suggest neither is 'the one' or even worth seriously pursuing.

A doesn't treat you well at all/isn't wanting to commit and gets away with that because you've romanticised the 'connection' and the chemistry. Someone who lies to you, doesn't apologise or acknowledge hurt they cause and who doesn't prioritise you at all generally isn't ever going to make a good partner - but they will string you along all the while the sexual chemistry is there and that is available without commitment.

B sounds like they might make a better partner but you don't even sound overly excited about them even in your own words.

I'd stay friends with B, cut off A completely and spend time enjoying my life or meeting new people and see what came of that.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 02/10/2023 01:15

Are you saying you're seeing 2 people at the same time AND have introduced your daughter to both of them?

Because that seems like a bigger issue

Sorchamarie · 02/10/2023 01:18

Definitely neither. Keep looking. Much better to be single than in a relationship that is not meeting your needs.

Superduper02 · 02/10/2023 01:36

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 02/10/2023 01:15

Are you saying you're seeing 2 people at the same time AND have introduced your daughter to both of them?

Because that seems like a bigger issue

This and neither. Both sound like lukewarm options to me but obviously worth a chat with Person B about their intentions. The attraction to Person A is nothing to give much merit if you can't actually see them in person very often.

Lizzieregina · 02/10/2023 01:37

Definitely not person A.

I’d be looking for person C.

itonlyhappensonce · 02/10/2023 01:58

Agree with neither, sorry x

Stompythedinosaur · 02/10/2023 02:01

I wouldn't choose either. A isn't that into you, and B is a pretty casual relationship.

Tbh I think there's a lot going for keeping things casual while you have your dd at home.

JaneJeffer · 02/10/2023 02:02

I've seen this exact post before.

TheCentreSlide · 02/10/2023 02:08

Chuck person A in the bin immediately. The chemistry and lively chat is probably related to your instinct you cannot trust them (the fear/excitement cross over plus the magnetism of someone with narcissistic traits).

Person B is a maybe, perhaps give it time and see what happens.

Person C sounds a viable option as said above!

Mothership4two · 02/10/2023 04:03

Lizzieregina · 02/10/2023 01:37

Definitely not person A.

I’d be looking for person C.

^^ This

PerfectMatch · 02/10/2023 04:06

Person B

whattttttodo · 02/10/2023 04:49

I'd dump A
Date B and take it very slowly

MarathonBarbie · 02/10/2023 05:59

C

Loubelle70 · 02/10/2023 06:01

MumofOne7947 · 02/10/2023 01:05

In a dating dilemma;

Person A:

Find them very physically attractive, a lot of sexual chemistry and compatibility.
We never get bored of each other.
They are very good with children and has a great bond with my child (they already know them pre-dating).
They want the same things as me (long term relationship, marriage, more children).
It feels like I have a rare type of connection with this person based on how I feel about them.
HOWEVER…
They hardly make time or the effort to see me.
They struggle with commitment despite wanting a family life (according to them anyway).
I’ve caught them out in a few lies before, only little ones but still.
They never apologise when they hurt me, for example when they cancel plans at the last minute to see other friends or family.
I have given them multiple chances and yet they keep doing the same thing again and again (not cheating or anything like that).

Person B:

I haven’t known them as long but they always make the effort to talk to me and make plans with me, despite also having a busy life like Person A.
They have always been honest and are much more emotionally and mentally mature, they can actually have adult conversations without it turning into an argument.
I am attracted to them but not as much as I am with Person A.
They have a really lovely family and home environment which is really important to me as I’m very family oriented.
HOWEVER…
They are a few years younger than me and I don’t know what they actually want from someone - something short or long term.
They do work with children but I don’t think it comes as natural to them as with Person A and I believe Person A is better/more comfortable around my daughter.
Conversation doesn’t flow quite as easily as with Person A, but they do ask me more questions and seem more interested in me and my life than Person A.

Who would you choose?

Id choose neither OP. Get bk out there , theres someone for you

RantyAnty · 02/10/2023 06:08

Why do you have to choose either?

The first guy isn't that into you and likes sex when he feels like it but otherwise you don't exist.

The 2nd guy you're lukewarm about. Not a good thing for long term.

BlinkerGoBlink · 02/10/2023 06:25

Another vote for neither.

Aprilx · 02/10/2023 06:25

The first one isn’t interested in you and you do not appear interested in the second one. So the answer is neither.

TammyJones · 02/10/2023 06:30

This is made up.
Or a news article research.
Op has disappeared.
But my answer would be neither.
And why are you dating 2 people if you want commitment when you can't give it?

disappearingfish · 02/10/2023 07:05

Neither! And definitely stop seeing person A who sounds toxic.

C1N1C · 02/10/2023 07:09

A sounds like the bad boy, who is messing you around... with him you're wanting something you can't have.

B sounds like the better choice, but you've friendzoned him.

Tale as old as time.

ntmdino · 02/10/2023 07:18

If you're definitely going to choose one, then do it quickly before they run a mile after realising that you're also dating the other one, and that you'll always be second-guessing that decision because you'll be on the hunt for something better in the back of your mind.

RedHelenB · 02/10/2023 07:23

Neither.

TheDogFosterer · 02/10/2023 08:15

Neither. A is a dick and you're not into B.

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