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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to go on this trip

21 replies

magic9 · 02/10/2023 00:29

DP asked if wanted to go away on a summer holiday with our DS, MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL and their child (our niece).

I initially thought would be nice but then found out BIL parents would be going too. We have met a few times but hardly know them and have zero relationship with them ourselves.

We have quite a lot of issues with SIL child being treated differently to our DS but that's a whole other thread.

I feel like if we take DS he will wonder why niece gets to go away with both sets of grandparents all together but his other grandparent is not included in plans. Again it will be all about niece, BIL & SIL. I think I will feel like a spare part.

Am I overreacting or would you not want to go either?

OP posts:

RandomButtons · 02/10/2023 00:32

Nope, sounds like hard work to me!

ilovemyspace · 02/10/2023 01:52

My children never wondered why both sets of grandparents weren't included on any family visits - they just accepted whoever was there.

Is this more about what you think?

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/10/2023 01:59

Would it be a 'we're all in the same city and meet up sometimes' or 'we're sharing a villa and everyone is together all the time' type of holiday?

cheeseandketchupsandwich · 02/10/2023 02:08

Sounds like this is more of an issue for you and how you feel about going rather than what your child might think

WandaWonder · 02/10/2023 02:19

Our child just goes along what we do when away with people I have never known about them wondering anything more than can I have an ice cream type questions

UpaladderwatchingTV · 02/10/2023 02:27

I don't think your kids would be worried OP, but clearly you don't feel comfortable with the scenario, so tell your DH now, before you get in too deep. If you don't think he'll understand your reasons about the BIL's parents, then just tell him that having thought about it, you'd prefer to holiday as just your little family, as all too often this sort of holiday ends up being a disaster with everyone falling out, because some want to do one thing, while others want to do something else, but think it would be rude to say so, etc. etc. Believe me, I've been there, and you end up feeling that you need another holiday to get over the stress of the first one!

BungleandGeorge · 02/10/2023 04:12

Your child won’t be bothered. What sort of trip is it? All staying in the same accommodation might be a bit stressful but if it’s more independent with separate accommodation I think it would be fine. I presume it’s with your husbands sibling so he probably really wants to go?

Millybob · 02/10/2023 04:14

That sounds like hell on earth. Not in a million years.

whattttttodo · 02/10/2023 04:16

I can't see how their parents make a difference in the scenario you describe. Do you want your parents to come to?

If you don't want to go it's fine to say no.

Mummy08m · 02/10/2023 04:24

I wouldn't want to go on holiday with people I hardly know, especially of a different generation (just a bit less likely you'd have much in common).

I know what you mean about your DC becoming a spare part... the grandparents would probably be happy taking turns babysitting your niece but it'd be odd BIL's parents having to babysit your Dc

GodDammitCecil · 02/10/2023 04:25

We have no idea what your issue is with niece versus son, so can’t really say if you’re over-reacting or not.

Would your DS really wonder why both sets of grandparents aren’t there, or is that just you thinking he would?

Aprilx · 02/10/2023 04:31

Big family holidays are not my thing at all. But I think you are being very odd about this, why on earth would your child wonder why his cousin has both sets of grandparents there and he wouldn’t?

Original poster

magic9 · 02/10/2023 09:09

My main concern is that all the attention will be on niece with it being both sets of her grandparents

I don't want to go into too much detail but for one minor example DS will try and give MIL/FIL some attention and be pulled and pushed off by niece, niece won't be told off unfortunately. If DS pushes back, he gets told off by them. (They are the same age, 4.5, but very different personalities)

I'm worried he's going to start noticing the difference in treatment/attention between the two so the thought of it for a week but amplified is a bit much

OP posts:

NuffSaidSam · 02/10/2023 09:15

If you don't fancy it, don't go.

But I don't believe that a four year old on holiday will be wondering why his other set of grandparents aren't there! Not unless it an incredibly dull holiday!

If your niece has both sets of grandparents there you might find your in laws have more time for your son as presumably the other set of grandparents will want to spend time with your niece.

But ultimately, don't waste your annual leave or money on going on a holiday you don't want to.

cheezncrackers · 02/10/2023 09:19

Is it all booked and paid for OP, or is it still at the discussion stage. If the latter and you just don't fancy going any more - fine. But what does your DH think? Does he want to go?

Original poster

magic9 · 02/10/2023 09:24

@cheezncrackers no just discussion stage, he is well aware of the different treatment - haven't discussed it further yet as when it was brought up, it was in front of everyone

OP posts:

Niinja · 02/10/2023 09:29

YANBU for not fancying it. Holidays are too precious to be wasted on something that feels like a chore.

Mums often do frame things through their DC as we are conditioned to focus on other people's needs rather than our own, but it's ok to turn it down in your own right. It doesn't have to be about DS.

I can see your reluctance to have him put in second place all week but if you don't go, ILs' extra time spent with niece on the holiday may only exacerbate the problem. I think you should pick this one on your own feelings rather then around DS. He will roll with it either way.

Original poster

magic9 · 02/10/2023 09:33

@Niinja I did think that too about it exacerbating the issue if he doesn't go but to be honest things are already quite bad

SIL does not pay niece much attention so when we are all together it is down to MIL/FIL to pick up which I think is why niece sees them as her care givers and does not appreciate DS receiving attention from them. Quite sad really.

I would rather do something just us tbh and I don't want to spend a week being irritated by them

I just didn't know if I was overthinking about DS - I'm happy to say it's me who doesn't want to go

OP posts:

Redmat · 02/10/2023 09:42

They wouldn't have asked you if they didn't want you to go.
If you hadn't been asked I expect you would have been hurt/ complained about that and said the neice was the favourite grandchild.
I actually think you should try it . It may be much better than you think .

user1492757084 · 02/10/2023 09:42

The kids will have a ball.
Your son will not think like you.
Encourage him to like others to receive good things - not to be jealous and introspective.
Your niece might not have as nice a time as your son - who seems like he will be left alone more to enjoy his own thoughts and to have great fun with his parents.
Go and suit yourselves with what you like to do for parts of the day. You might surprise yourself and wish to go again.
Watch the film, Nicholas on Holiday.

xxSxxxxxxx · 02/10/2023 09:42

We had this exact same situation last year but annoyingly had already booked our flights before we were told that the BIL's parents were coming.

We booked alternative accommodation (same island) and saw them all for a couple of days but pretty much kept ourselves to ourselves, and won't be booking a joint holiday again.

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