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Original poster

DH talking to people online via pms

21 replies

Sparklybutold · 01/10/2023 22:55

My husband is autistic and finds face to face conversation difficult and stressful. He also finds making and keeping friendships difficult. His friendships over the years have tended to grow from my friendship circles. He has recently started testosterone replacement therapy and I have witnessed a massive change in his behaviour. He is becoming increasingly more verbal and proactive at trying to form connections, the problem I have is they are online. I have looked at some of these messages and they have been extremely sexual (told him to stop these) and yet although not sexual he is still connecting with people online via responding to sexually explicit content or via pms. We have spoken openly about this and he just gets angry. I recently joined Reddit and both him and I formed a group where we could share things with each other, through this, I found his comments to other people. I have been banned from one group (trans group and I believe in the reality of sex) and I spoke about this with him. Although he empathises with my position on this subject, he got angry and said I don't want to argue with you about this so fuck off. This was then followed up with you've changed since going on Reddit. I replied so had he. I just don't know what to do nor where this will end. He is hurting me by what he's posting - is it an emotional affair? He does change when he's on Reddit, I have noticed that there has been a few nights where he has been awake for some portion of the night on Reddit. He has become distant and angry. I have spoken to him about this. He is seeing a therapist Tuesday.

As not to drip feed. He had an affair 2 months ago. I'm still devastated and angry about this.

We are about to relocate. We have children. The relationship is fucked isn't it.

OP posts:
theresamooseloose · 01/10/2023 22:58

I’m very sorry you are going through this OP 💐 I would not be able to move past this.

Original poster
Sparklybutold · 01/10/2023 23:09

I don't know how either. I'm supposed to be moving half way across the ticking country with him next month and right now I'm seeing how he just continues to hurt me.

OP posts:
lap90 · 01/10/2023 23:14

So he is sexting on reddit and he had an affair a few months ago?

Sounds like this relationship is done.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/10/2023 23:16

Of course your relationship is fucked. He's an abusive cheater. His autism is totally irrelevant.

Do not relocate with this man, for any reason. Get to a solicitor as soon as humanly possible.

Original poster
Sparklybutold · 01/10/2023 23:18

lap90 · 01/10/2023 23:14

So he is sexting on reddit and he had an affair a few months ago?

Sounds like this relationship is done.

He's just text me whether I can finish my training (I have 9 months left) as ‘he wants his wife back’. Fucker.. He says I'm angry! Of course I'm fucking angry. His mum knows because I told her. She thanked me for staying with him. Fuck, I'm a fucking door mat. Only the other day he joked how ‘hes not a pushover like me’. Fucker.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparklybutold · 01/10/2023 23:20

Aquamarine1029 · 01/10/2023 23:16

Of course your relationship is fucked. He's an abusive cheater. His autism is totally irrelevant.

Do not relocate with this man, for any reason. Get to a solicitor as soon as humanly possible.

I'm fucked. I have 2 kids who are ecstatic at going and already decorating there new rooms.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 01/10/2023 23:23

Sparklybutold · 01/10/2023 23:20

I'm fucked. I have 2 kids who are ecstatic at going and already decorating there new rooms.

Show quote history

Nonsense. You do not stay with an abusive cheater because your kids get to decorate a bedroom. Come on now.

Original poster
Sparklybutold · 01/10/2023 23:27

@Aquamarine1029

I need this spelling out to me like I'm an idiot, because that's exactly how I feel. Why abusive?

OP posts:
Nagado · 02/10/2023 06:08

Sparklybutold · 01/10/2023 23:27

@Aquamarine1029

I need this spelling out to me like I'm an idiot, because that's exactly how I feel. Why abusive?

The very fact that you need it spelling out shows that he’s eroded your confidence and self esteem to the point where you’re doubting yourself about what he’s putting you through. If one of your friends told you that their husband was doing this to them, what would you think?

This shitbag has betrayed you in the most awful way. Is he sorry? Is he trying to repair the damage he caused? Is he balls! He’s continuing to be sexually inappropriate on line and is getting angry with you for spoiling his fun. He’s even trying to convince you that it’s all your fault, suggesting that if it weren’t for training or you joining Reddit that you’d be fine with his behaviour. The very definition of gaslighting. I think it might be an idea if you were to see a therapist too, simply to get back your belief in yourself.

It would be such a bad idea to move with him, away from any support network you have where you are. His mum’s biggest concern is clearly him being on his own, so you cannot rely on her for support if you’re not going to be with him. You need people who care about your welfare. You need to confide in family and friends. He does not deserve your loyalty if he’s refusing to be loyal to you. It’s not going to be easy, especially with your DC. But the alternative is that you go with him and spend the next 20 years being miserable, lied to and cheated on until you don’t recognise yourself anymore.

Start printing out his messages and make an appointment with a solicitor to see where you stand and what your entitlements would be. You can then start to make realistic decisions based on your circumstances. And don’t let go of that anger just yet, it will carry you through. 💐

ReadySalty · 02/10/2023 06:44

Don't move with him Op. he had an affair two months ago and is still cheating now. From what you have written, it sounds as if he doesn't want to stop what he is doing. He is not going to stop for you.

Let him move and let him fill his boots with as much Reddit as a sad man could wish for.

Neverwatchedgameofthrones · 02/10/2023 07:45

It's not going to get any better. Don't move.

browny1981 · 02/10/2023 09:05

He is a proven cheat and liar who is now having conversations or making remarks that are inappropriate for a married man. Online or real world, to me it makes no difference aside from he's probably more forthcoming behind a screen.
Pp said abuse, here's why, emotional abuse because you have given him another chance to which it appears he's taken as a green card to carry on in the knowledge you won't leave , after all if you didn't leave for the real life affair, he can use the rationale that you shouldn't leave for the online behaviour as it's not in person. He makes derogatory comments about you being weak and he's verbally abusive.
Please heal from this and regain your self confidence you deserve better and do not move !!!!! Virtual hugs - he's a d!*k

theresamooseloose · 02/10/2023 16:18

Oh no, OP, please do not say this, you are not a doormat!! he is the problem, not you!!

Original poster
Sparklybutold · 02/10/2023 19:44

We are talking about this tonight. And he asked how long im going to punish him because I have a history of not letting things go.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparklybutold · 02/10/2023 19:45

I can't make this up. He's actually playing the victim. He's sat here all glum and just silent.

OP posts:
browny1981 · 02/10/2023 19:55

Typical ! You are not in the wrong at all and if he behaved properly you wouldn't have to let go of anything !!! That's typical CF behaviour when they get caught, you tell him you are not tolerating this disrespect a moment longer! His behaviour is appalling, you are not the one in the wrong here at all xxxx side note, if my mother in law was told my husband had cheated she would've gone ballistic, what was her reaction to the news ??

maddening · 02/10/2023 19:57

Do not move away from your support, the relationship is dead, I would separate.

Original poster
Sparklybutold · 02/10/2023 19:59

browny1981 · 02/10/2023 19:55

Typical ! You are not in the wrong at all and if he behaved properly you wouldn't have to let go of anything !!! That's typical CF behaviour when they get caught, you tell him you are not tolerating this disrespect a moment longer! His behaviour is appalling, you are not the one in the wrong here at all xxxx side note, if my mother in law was told my husband had cheated she would've gone ballistic, what was her reaction to the news ??

She was speechless. Then said she loved us both. On another occasion thanked me for staying with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparklybutold · 02/10/2023 20:00

maddening · 02/10/2023 19:57

Do not move away from your support, the relationship is dead, I would separate.

I hate where we live. I will be moving nearer to support.

OP posts:
maddening · 02/10/2023 20:12

Oh well move but without him

AgnesX · 24/02/2024 13:40

Sparklybutold · 02/10/2023 19:59

She was speechless. Then said she loved us both. On another occasion thanked me for staying with him.

Show quote history

Presumably because she's grateful that you having him means he's not going to become her responsibility in any way shape or form.

And you don't have to have either. He's an adult and needs to take responsibility for his actions. In a healthy relationship that would happen and he wouldn't be doing this.

He

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