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Original poster

Should disabled MIL be looking after our baby?

29 replies

Desupi · 01/10/2023 21:54

I don't want this to come across badly at all, but just looking for people's opinions. I am currently 16 weeks pregnant with our first baby. My parents are both retired early a couple of years ago and said they are happy to do the bulk of childcare (v. lucky, I know). DP said MIL would love to have the baby for a day too.

MIL is a lovely person but she has severe arthritis and walks with 2 sticks and is unable to get up and down stairs on her own.

I feel terrible about being wary about her looking after the baby, not to mention FIL passed away a month ago so she is on her own and thought of the baby is keeping her going.

OP posts:
WillowCraft · 01/10/2023 21:57

It doesn't sound like it would be possible. But it's far too soon to be worrying, you have another few months of pregnancy and then you can see how she handles the baby for several more months before you return to work, presumably, and need to make any decisions about childcare.

Babyroobs · 01/10/2023 21:59

How can someone carry or lift a baby when reliant on two walking sticks ? It sounds like an accident waiting to happen and totally unrealistic.

Hiddenvoice · 01/10/2023 21:59

I think it’s tough, dp knows his mum will want to help and be there to support. She will most likely want the same level of access as you parents.

It’s probably not practical for her to watch the baby but I wouldn’t go about suggesting that just now.

My in laws were very keen to watch my baby but my mil is quite unwell and regularly cancels family dinners or outings. She usually does this only half an hour before the event. It worried me that she would message half an hour before she was due to watch the baby, making things difficult for us but we didn’t say anything. Once the baby was born and my in laws seen how much work it was going to be, they politely and very kindly offered to help support us with the cost of childcare.

I would leave it be just now and wait until the baby arrives as your mil may realise it’s too much for her but just now she’s mourning the loss of her husband and probably just wants something to look forward to. Don’t commit to anything jusg now, just say that’s lovely and you’ll arrange it all once baby is born.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/10/2023 22:02

Can she not be involved with the baby without looking after them alone?

GG1986 · 01/10/2023 22:26

How can he even think for a minute that mil will be able to look after a baby when she walks with 2 sticks and can't climb stairs! What if she has a fall or drops baby etc? From a safety aspect put your foot down and say no.

notahappybunny7 · 01/10/2023 22:29

She is in absolutely no position to look after a baby and it’s a ridiculous assumption that she could.

EsmeSusanOgg · 01/10/2023 22:30

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/10/2023 22:02

Can she not be involved with the baby without looking after them alone?

This.

Or she could be the responsible adult when one or both of you are WFH? Which.keans she can help with childcare, but you don't have to worry about the impact on her health as one or both of you will be in the house?

Lavender14 · 01/10/2023 22:33

I'd think of ways you can involve her without her having to be solely responsible for baby if you think closer to the time that she physically couldn't manage lifting/walking etc with baby safely. Maybe she could come visit a day a week and cuddle baby while you get a shower or a quick nap for example. Or you go round to hers to get out of the house and let her feed you! Hot tea and lunch can be tricky enough to get with a small baby to look after so you could big that up as a favour as well. It's lovely she's so keen.

Lovingitallnow · 01/10/2023 22:34

This is one of those things that it's easy to be nonchalant about because it will be so obvious when the baby is here that it's not possible. I'd keep making non committal "we don't need to plan anything now""sure we'll wait and see" You'll have your whole maternity for it to become apparent that it's just not possible.

FawltyTower · 01/10/2023 22:40

If she walks with two sticks then who's carrying the baby outside in the event of a fire or other emergency?

Why would you feel terrible about something so blatantly impossible? If your MIL was blind would you eat yourself up with guilt that she couldn't be allowed to drive dc to school? Of course not.

Anyone who entertains this - including MIL or your DH - needs to be firmly told it's clearly not possible.

reallyworriedjobhunter · 01/10/2023 22:41

I had this exact situation with my MIL. She was desperate to look after our first DC when he was born but as soon as he arrived it was so obvious that she couldn't take care of a baby and she stopped banging on about it.

Mischance · 01/10/2023 22:42

I have been in a similar situation - only from the other end!

I walk with a stick and find lifting a problem due to back surgery; but I have done lots of child care after DDs went back to work - children from 9 months. I worked out lots of ways to do stuff with the children, and they "got it" very quickly. They worked out I could not lift them and that they had to climb onto the sofa to have their nappy changed; ditto they climbed into their pushchairs with a bit of help from me at a very young age. They ate in a "low chair " rather than a high chair..... etc. etc.

They have other GPs who are fitter than I and they just got used to the idea that the other granny would do the energetic things and with me they did lots of reading/painting/books/cooking etc. My DD always said that it was good for them to have a quiet day with me.

Safety was of course paramount and I would have ended the arrangement if I had thought that this was compromised in any way.

user1471453601 · 01/10/2023 22:50

Depending on how your mil has accepted her physical restrictions, should dictate how you handle this

If she's in denial of her restrictions, then you have to go slowly while offering alternatives to being close to your child, short of physical caring for them

If she's accepting of her physical restrictions, she will be relieved. I remember my lovely nephew handed me his first child(about a week old) while I was standing up. I course I wanted to hold the child, but I knew I couldn't walk safely to nearest seat. Fortunately daughter saw the panic in my eyes and came to my rescue

Hibiscrubbed · 02/10/2023 18:24

Of course she can’t. She can’t stand unaided.

Any reasonable person would see that. Perhaps your H is not reasonable.

NotMyDayJob · 02/10/2023 18:31

Mischance · 01/10/2023 22:42

I have been in a similar situation - only from the other end!

I walk with a stick and find lifting a problem due to back surgery; but I have done lots of child care after DDs went back to work - children from 9 months. I worked out lots of ways to do stuff with the children, and they "got it" very quickly. They worked out I could not lift them and that they had to climb onto the sofa to have their nappy changed; ditto they climbed into their pushchairs with a bit of help from me at a very young age. They ate in a "low chair " rather than a high chair..... etc. etc.

They have other GPs who are fitter than I and they just got used to the idea that the other granny would do the energetic things and with me they did lots of reading/painting/books/cooking etc. My DD always said that it was good for them to have a quiet day with me.

Safety was of course paramount and I would have ended the arrangement if I had thought that this was compromised in any way.

It's great that you found a solution and could be so involved but neither of mine started walking til 18 months and my younger DD didn't climb or cruise until about 15 months. They are also particularly large children and very heavy. Someone using two sticks couldn't have managed them. Some times I struggle to carry and lift DD

WiddlinDiddlin · 02/10/2023 18:42

You don't mention if MIL is aware of her limitations, if she's expressed a desire to actually look after your baby whilst they're still very small, or if she's simply said she'd love to... but...

I'd LOVE to ... sky dive, gallop a horse along a beach, take amusing under 6 year old family members to the park... and a whole host of other things.

I can't. I won't. I would still love to.

Someone who knows I'd love to do those things may say that, and may not know that I am fully aware I can't do those things.

I think you should talk to MIL directly, if she brings it up - I suspect there is wishful thinking going on by your DP who doesn't yet understand how much work a baby actually is, nor has a real grasp on someone elses disability and how it affects them.

Hankunamatata · 02/10/2023 18:47

Have an honest chat with dh about how he see's the logistics of mils disability and a baby.

HiCandles · 02/10/2023 19:03

Echoing others than I would avoid being drawn on any conclusions just yet. Smile and say it's sounds lovely and involve MIL when baby arrives. It sounds like you're very fortunate to be having your parents doing childcare so no need to worry about getting baby registered for nursery (around us they need to be signed up by 2 months old to get a place) for 1 year old when mum returns to work. It'll be obvious to all that she can't do it especially once baby starts moving, but don't let this become an emotional battle.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 02/10/2023 19:11

My disability is variable, sometimes I can barely walk at all, and sometimes I can be pretty mobile provided in careful not to do too much. I managed to look after both my babies largely on my own, it was the toddler stage that was harder I found.

I suggest preempting the issue by having a chat with MIL about it now. Say that you're aware some things are going to be difficult for her, but you want her to be involved as much as possible. Maybe she can't have the baby on her own, but I bet she could sit on the sofa providing lovely grandma cuddles while you have a shower. And I'm sure she can read stories, and get involved with playing games as your child grows up. Having an extra adult around to provide entertainment is very helpful. She can help, it doesn't have to mean managing the baby on her own.

Audreysbaywindow · 02/10/2023 19:14

@Desupi when you say she walks with 2 sticks and can’t manage stairs- what exactly does that look like? can she not walk at all without sticks? Can she walk around the house ok but needs them for any distance? Does she have balance issues and falls or is her balance ok and the sticks are for helping with pain? Does she have weakness as well as pain in her hands/arms so she drops things?

What age will the baby need to be looked after from?

There are a lot of variables in this situation.

Luxell934 · 02/10/2023 19:16

I wouldn’t worry, you haven’t even had the baby yet and assuming your taking 9 months to a year maternity leave you won’t have to deal with this issue for awhile yet.

It’s also highly likely your mother in law and husband will realise in that time that she is unable to look after a baby alone.

IslaWinds · 02/10/2023 19:16

Hell no.

Worddance · 02/10/2023 19:18

You have to be able to talk frankly about your concerns. Painful for your partner but he must think rationally.

Mrsjayy · 02/10/2023 19:20

Just say to him oh we have ages to talk about it but maybe it would be better for your mum if we wait till baby is older but we can definitely visit. Your Mil is excited about the baby but realistically she knows she wouldn't manage.

Octobermeterreadtime · 02/10/2023 19:20

You don't have it babysit a dgc to form a bond. And you really don't have to offer equal time to be fair to grown ups either.... They are both dgm. That's where the 'fairness' ends...