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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not allowing this man to stay at my home tonight

26 replies

JMSA · 01/10/2023 19:11

My eldest daughter (22) is truly a lovely lass. She is good-natured and would do anything to help anyone. She's the apple of my eye. She also has high functioning autism and I'm wary of people taking advantage of her.
A couple of weeks ago, she ended her 4 year relationship with her boyfriend. He couldn't have asked for a more loyal and understanding girlfriend, but he took her for granted and was borderline abusive towards her. I was glad when it ended because there were many red flags. I always kept the communication open around this when they were together. I am proud of her for being strong enough to end it and she hasn't looked back Smile
She also has a male ex work colleague friend, who helped her to see that her boyfriend's behaviour was unacceptable. They seem to have built a nice, purely platonic friendship and my daughter is happy to have him in her life. Her ex boyfriend wouldn't have 'allowed' them to be friends if still on the scene.
This man quit his job at my daughter's work and is living in a hostel. She has helped him out this week by baking him a cake for his birthday and giving him a heater (one that we no longer needed at home) when the heating at the hostel broke down. To be fair, the friendship does seem to be two-sided as he treated her to dinner through the week.
The curfew for the hostel is 11pm, and this man would like to go clubbing with friends tonight. The friends can't meet up until later, and it wouldn't give him long until he needs to return to the hostel. Without asking me, my daughter told him he could stay at our place tonight.
Not thinking this would be a problem for me, she then decided to run it by me! I have said no. I also have two teenage daughters to consider, and we haven't met this man. My eldest has flounced off, unhappy with my decision.
AIBU? Her friend is by all accounts a lovely person, but I am worried that my daughter is casting herself in the role of rescuer once again ... something that she did with her ex.
I've gently broached this with her, and have explained that dire straits would perhaps be a different matter, but the man's social life is for HIM to navigate.
She says that I should trust her judgement on this, and that I'd be different with a female friend. I openly admitted that this was exactly right Grin
I'm struggling a bit as she and I never usually fall out. But I think I'm doing the right thing. Aren't I?

OP posts:
Lennon80 · 01/10/2023 19:13

Strange man in the house - erm no!

Gillypie23 · 01/10/2023 19:14

No your house your rules. I wouldn't like him stay.

TomWambsgansSwans · 01/10/2023 19:14

I'd say definitely NBU. If she is not careful he could start thinking your home is a handy stepping stone out of living in the hostel.

She could ask him - why can't he stay with the mates he is going clubbing with?

PonyPatter44 · 01/10/2023 19:16

You re exactly right, OP, and I think you've identified the reason perfectly. If this bloke is working he can get a hotel for one night, or stay with a friend who doesn't have a house full of younger siblings.

Crunchymum · 01/10/2023 19:16

You are 100% correct here. No need to even ask the question.

Original poster
JMSA · 01/10/2023 19:17

Thank you all. Sometimes, when you're on your own, you lack perspective a bit and can question your own judgement.
I wasn't going to back down on this, but it's still useful to garner others' opinions.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 01/10/2023 19:17

She's too nice for her own good. Does she think you have to do things for people for them to like you?

If she doesn't put herself 1st she'll end up with another user. She doesn't seem a good judge of character. I'm sure she thought her ex was amazing when she met him.

The bloke can stay with his mates.

muchalover · 01/10/2023 19:18

Does he not have other friends in that group who could put him up?

You have other children who didn't get a say in a stranger of any sex staying overnight but particularly one none of you have met.

YANBU IMO

AutumnFroglets · 01/10/2023 19:18

I agree with you. No strange men in the house.

Why can't he stay with his clubbing friends?

Original poster
JMSA · 01/10/2023 19:19

The friends also have fairly precarious living situations. And he tried to book an AirB&B but they would only let it out for two nights, which he didn't need. I'd believe that, as we live in a very popular city.

OP posts:
MintJulia · 01/10/2023 19:19

YANBU. You have two teenage daughters in the house and you don't know this man from Adam. Err, no chance!

Suppose he gets drunk and tries it on with one of them? Suppose he's a larey drunk? You can't know. Your dd needs to understand the risks to her sisters. She's asking too much.

Original poster
JMSA · 01/10/2023 19:20

MintJulia · 01/10/2023 19:19

YANBU. You have two teenage daughters in the house and you don't know this man from Adam. Err, no chance!

Suppose he gets drunk and tries it on with one of them? Suppose he's a larey drunk? You can't know. Your dd needs to understand the risks to her sisters. She's asking too much.

He's not actually a drinker, due to his religion, but I still agree with you.

OP posts:
Whattodo112222 · 01/10/2023 19:23

As quickly as she invited him.. she'd be uninviting him.
Absolutely no way. Don't let her make you feel like the villain either.

mangopop · 01/10/2023 19:23

yanbu

YDBear · 01/10/2023 19:23

“A couple of weeks ago, she ended her 4 year relationship with her boyfriend … he took her for granted and was borderline abusive towards her… there were many red flags.”

So basically she has show pretty crappy judgement in the past. There’s no reason to suppose that her judgment has improved, and she probably needs this pointing out to her.

billy1966 · 01/10/2023 19:24

OP, you are not wrong.

Your daughter needs you to model strong boundaries on your personal safety and that of your daughters.

Do not apologise for being wary.

Explain clearly to her the importance of not being taken advantage of, by anyone.

You sound like a great mum.

coxesorangepippin · 01/10/2023 19:26

Random dude chez toi???

Nope

Original poster
JMSA · 01/10/2023 19:27

Thank you so much. And believe me, I do try very hard to be a good role-model, particularly when it comes to men. I haven't actually dated for years and my eldest has nicknamed me 'the feminist'.
Hopefully I'm not doing too badly!

OP posts:
Poppyseed14 · 01/10/2023 19:28

Of course YANBU OP. As well as the not knowing this random man, who is going to stay up on a Sunday night (odd night to choose to go clubbing in any event) to let him in, or is he to be given a key to your house? What if he brings others back with him? No no no 100% no.

fuacks · 01/10/2023 19:29

Not a chance would he be staying in my house!

LakeTiticaca · 01/10/2023 19:29

It's a no from me as well.
Next thing will be he's been kicked out and moving in at yours

itsmylife7 · 01/10/2023 19:30

You've done the right thing.
Why has he left his job and moved into a hostel though ?

Original poster
JMSA · 01/10/2023 19:36

itsmylife7 · 01/10/2023 19:30

You've done the right thing.
Why has he left his job and moved into a hostel though ?

They work - or in his case, worked - at the Airport, for a certain airline. No, not Ryanair Grin
The hours are long and the managers can take the piss. He'd had enough and walked out.

OP posts:
Original poster
JMSA · 01/10/2023 19:37

And his family are all overseas. He's trying to keep his situation from them, to save disappointment.

OP posts:
Sunshinenrain · 01/10/2023 19:43

Forgetting about him being a stranger to you for a minute.

I’d say no simply because it’s a Sunday night and you don’t want him coming in early hours of the morning and it seems that DD isn’t even going out with them so he’s using it as somewhere to crash which is so rude.

What time can he go back into the hostel?

I’d go out just before the curfew and then find a cafe that opens early and hang out there until he can go home.