I feel like a shit mum and a shit wife

[Moonshine160]

Since having DC2 (now 12 months old) I have really struggled. I feel like I’m reaching breaking point and I’m miserable and feel guilty about something every day.
DC1 (4 years old) is an amazing little boy but can be difficult. He won’t ever play alone and has really obsessive behaviours and since starting school his behaviour at home has been terrible. His teachers say he is really well behaved and quiet at school but at home he explodes like a shaken bottle of pop. We think he’s neurodiverse and we are on the path now for a diagnosis but it might take some time.
DC2 is equally amazing but he doesn’t sleep and is a serial whinger. Isn’t walking yet and is bum shuffling but is constantly whining and pulling at my leg, he isn’t happy unless I’m holding him literally all the time. I’ve also been so worried lately because he has two congenital heart conditions and will require surgery in 1-2 years time. He gets poorly often and I don’t want to sleep train him for these reasons.
When I have just one child with me I can cope fine and I enjoy it, regardless of which one it is. But when I’ve got the two of them and they’re both whining or crying (which feels constant) and both need me I just feel like I can’t cope and I want to scream. I end up shouting at DC1 despite it not being his fault, he cries because I’ve shouted and then I spend the rest of the day feeling guilty for being a shit mum. I am reading the “how to talk so little kids will listen” book to try and improve on this but I’m not nice enough to him and he doesn’t deserve it. I really miss one on one time with him because DC2 takes up so much of it and I find the juggling so hard. I look back on photos and videos when he was 1-2 years old and miss these times so much and just wish I could go back to then. Is that normal?
I don’t regret DC2, he is my world, I’m just finding it so hard and I miss the times that were easier.
Me and DH have been together 14 years but we’ve never been as unhappy as we have been this last year. He thinks I am constantly moody, miserable and don’t want to be near him. On the other hand, I think he is completely unsupportive and insensitive to my feelings. He hasn’t once made the family dinner since having DC2. I do all the cooking, nearly all the cleaning and general admin and looking after the children. Nor has he got up once in the night with the kids this last year despite DC2 sometimes waking hourly. I will sometimes get one lie in a week though at the weekend. He works 5 days a week and I work 3 days a week. I admit that I must be miserable to be around and I’ve been so snappy, often unnecessarily, but instead of trying to help or support me I just get days, sometimes weeks, of silent treatment. I know though that if I was a nicer and more pleasant wife we wouldn’t be having all these fall outs.
What do I do? Is it normal to struggle this much with two children and wish you could go back in time to when DC1 was small? Has anyone else’s marriage really suffered after having a second child?

The fact you’re worrying about being a shit mum almost certainly means you’re not. Your DP has to up his game and do his bit too. What does he do?

Also - wasn’t quite sure what to vote - YABU for thinking you are a shit mum/wife.

Your H sounds useless.

You’re miserable because of him and his uselessness.

Stop prioritising his sleep and happiness, tell him he needs to do equal night walkings and cooking.

All your feelings are valid. A few thoughts as I was reading......if DH isn't going to help more, can you get a child carer for a few hours each week? Perhaps alternate....babysitter watches DC2 so you can spend Mommy and Me time with DC1 and then switch.

Also, talk to your GP about options/therapy/medications to potentially help you feel better.

I know heart conditions are making sleep training seem like a potentially bad idea but as someone in the Sleep Medicine field, better sleep habits will help both their heart AND you feel better.

Lastly, sit down with DH and tell him what you NEED. Him making dinner twice a week, him taking DC out for the afternoon, etc. Remind him that a happier you is better for him, too.

Your husband is a shit husband and father.

I thought it was bad enough when you said that you did all cooking, cleaning, night wakings and then you said you work 3 days as well. Your husband is taking the piss.

Your husband is a twat.

Oh wow you are NOT a shit mum, not even slightly. Put down the stick you are beating yourself with. You have an enormous amount on your plate - your tolerance cup is constantly bubbling over, you sound chronically exhausted and overwhelmed. Firstly, your husband has GOT to step up. Bloody hell, he's having it easy. Never done a night wake up?? You poor, shattered woman, I just want to hug you and send you to a retreat to sleep for a week. You need to sit down with him and calmly explain that you're at the end of your rope - you are burnt out, and unless he picks up the slack there will be a cataclysmic fallout from this. He needs to split night wakings effective immediately, parent equally at weekends so you both get a lie on one day, and then contribute to family life - meals, shopping, childcare etc. If not he is going to lose you, and that needs spelt out to him! No wonder you feel you can't be a good wife, you're giving everything you've got simply to keep everyone alive and functioning!!

The first few years of having little kids can be awful. Mine are 2 and 3 and I’m only just finding myself again what chd does your child have? Mine has 2 but they don’t affect our lives. My partner is the best now but he hasn’t always been you need to change your expectations of each other your priorities now are the children he has to come third. I didn’t work more than 9hours a week until my youngest was in preschool. If he’s not supporting your family he needs to pull his weight if you are also contributing financially it’s not faie

You’re just feeling burnt out, I think that’s it, and you certainly need some more input from your H. We only have one DC (7 months old), and during pregnancy I was an angry woman 🫣 never weepy, just really easily wound up. I found that these hormones carried over into post pregnancy and I, like you, have been snappy and probably not much fun to live with which then causes arguments. It’s only the last few weeks that I’ve finally felt myself again and DP and I have had much fewer arguments…however I can also accredit this to DC becoming a little easier than before and me being able to cope better. For example DP went on a work trip to Spain recently and me and DC managed perfectly for 3 days by ourselves, which I never could have done even a couple of months back. You being unpleasant, as you put it, is entirely to be expected IMO when you have so much going on. All I can suggest is that you and your H have a sit down, and a really open and honest, adult, conversation where you can explain how you’re feeling and maybe he can too, and hopefully you’ll find some solutions. But to manage two kiddies alone, plus house and life admin, with a H that doesn’t even get up in the night is really crap and needs to change. Overall, I think what you’re feeling is entirely normal…from my personal experience.

that sounds incredibly tough OP. I struggled similarly after having DC2 who was a terrible sleeper and it sent me slightly potty. And my DP was supportive. To echo PPs you need to find a way of communicating to him that he needs to up his game significantly at home. Starting with the nights. Things always feel so much more manageable if you’ve had even just a block of a few hours’ proper sleep.

Your husband sounds unhelpful, I'd be grumpy with him too.

For reference I am still on mat leave and was a bit grumpy with DH that I did all the nights, and he does pretty much all the cooking, some life admin and was getting up early if I was up a lot in the night.

We have the same age gap and my dc2 is also a heart baby. I also struggled with should I/shouldn't I sleep train and it feels so controversial to even discuss. I searched a lot of the heart family groups and didn't really find much helpful. Do you have a cardiac liaison nurse or could you leave a message with the consultant's secretary asking for some advice on this. I have not long sleep trained our 13m cardiac baby and it has made a massive difference but he has had some surgery so get specific advice.

Er, your 'd'h should be the one writing this post cos he is the shit one for sure. Two young kids is exhausing and he needs to get stuck in and do some cooking and cleaning and parenting. He sounds awful and you sound like you are doing a brilliant job! You need some sleep and a break scheduled regularly in so you can recharge a bit. How can he just sit back and see all that you do and not actually help? That's what's really shit.

So your husband not only let's you get up hourly...but then has a pop at you for being tired? Can you see how shit that is? I found a toddler and a baby really difficult and I havd NT kids, had my toddler in nursery full time and a really supportive husband. Anyone would struggle in your situation.

What's his 'reason' for leaving everything to you? How does he justify this as being fair? What's he going to do about it?

I think if something doesn't change you'll end up resenting him so much that the marriage will be over anyway. So its worth a very serious discussion. And counselling? And gentle sleep training?

yanbu - this a LOT to deal with - everyone’s marriage is going to pushed given what you have on your plate - but your DH could certainly be doing more to help, what’s his oroblem? Chin up lovey

Parenthood to young children is incredibly challenging. As much as we love our dc, it really is the hardest time.
As cliche as it is, it does get easier when they’re older and you get more sleep.
Can you afford a cleaner? Will your dh help around the house more? I would be pretty miserable and tired if I had to do what you do.

Jesus that sounds tough. Of course you’re not shit, but it sounds like your dh is. Not that saying that helps, but let’s hope you can get him to step up.

Thanks so much everyone. I’ll answer a few questions.

@Chestnutz he’s a great dad in the sense that the kids dote on him, he plays with them all the time and he’s certainly the fun one. He only gets about an hour with them before they go to bed after he gets home from work so he’ll play with them and then he’ll tidy up a bit downstairs while I put both the kids to bed, which can take ages with the eldest. But all the general household chores, cooking, cleaning, washing, school admin etc is all down to me. He takes the bins out before bin day. And he’ll sometimes do a bit more of a deep clean with things I haven’t spotted, like a bit of mould on the shower head or something.

@KnowledgeableMomma thanks, I’ll consider the sleep training a bit more and speak with his consultant. He doesn’t actually need any input to fall asleep for naps and night sleep. He will fall asleep independently to begin with just can’t actually stay asleep.

@JaimeJude2020 thanks so much for your reply. DC2 has an atrial septal defect which is a hole within the heart but it’s quite big, at least 1.5cm so needs closing and then a month ago his cardiologist also discovered a missing valve. He gets breathless a lot and very frequent chest infections.

@GeorgeBeckett we still waiting to hear from a specialist team of nurses since his last appointment with his cardiologist, which I assume is the cardiac liaison nurses you’ve mentioned. I need to chase this up so I can ask more questions around his sleep. It’s encouraging to hear that it worked for you at 13 months so I definitely need to explore this as more sleep would make such a huge difference to everything. DC1 was a unicorn baby and brilliant sleeper so I didn’t feel as overwhelmed and DH didn’t seem so shit.

Shit mum??? Are you joking??? You sound incredible!!!

OP: sleep deprivation is a form of torture that is banned by the fucking Geneva Convention. You’ve been sleep deprived for a YEAR because your husband IS NOT PULLING HIS WEIGHT.

Please, PLEASE get some sleep and get him to help you get some. Of course you’re moody!! You’re being tortured. Don’t be a martyr, get help.

You are a fucking badass. Good luck.

You're miserable because your husband is useless. I don't see your marriage surviving his neglect. You will get to the point where your anger and resentment is absolutely insurmountable. I highly suggest you think about your future and get yourself into a position where you don't need him financially. Don't be foolish enough to think your marriage won't end. It can, and it will if this dynamic continues.

Well, the kids do have a shit parent but it's not you!!

@BlinkerGoBlink thank you. That’s so kind x