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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Losing trust in MIL capabilities

30 replies

MILquandary · 01/10/2023 18:43

Name changed for obvious reasons.

I will start by saying my PILs have been great since our first was born 7 years ago. We live some way away and they are always happy to come over to help with childcare etc.
They are getting older though, and just recently I have noticed more and more behaviours from MIL that are concerning me.

She is very forgetful and I often have to tell her things a few times. She loses things constantly. The last time she looked after my youngest DC whilst I was out with the eldest for a couple of hours, she did something which defied common sense and instead of phoning me to ask for help...she took another route and nearly burnt down the kitchen. She then tried to hide the evidence until I asked what the smell was. I wasn’t happy with this as it makes me wonder what else could be happening that she doesn’t tell me about?
There have been other odd things from her in the past. Won’t go through them all but she once almost used non-bio washing powder to make a feed instead of formula (I had brought it to their house with me in a plastic container).

AIBU to worry about leaving dc alone with her now? Or am I overreacting?
If not, how do I approach this? I am worried about discussing it with DH as he has historically always sided with his parents (that’s another thread). He brushes these behaviours off and it will almost certainly cause a row.
But it’s making me really uneasy. My anxiety is through the roof after having them over again this weekend.

OP posts:
Freezingcoldinseptember · 01/10/2023 18:47

Keep a record of these 'disasters' op. Then dh can't be saying they didn't happen. Google how toxic detergent is and show him. They must not have dc alone again.

Asterales · 01/10/2023 18:48

Well....no, you're not unreasonable to wonder about leaving DC with them, but I'm baffled that this seems to be your primary concern. Surely there's a wider context to consider here, and the first step needs to be assessing your PILs needs and ensuring their safety and wellbeing?

IslaWinds · 01/10/2023 18:49

she once almost used non-bio washing powder to make a feed instead of formula (I had brought it to their house with me in a plastic container).

Unless you had labelled it, you can’t really count this one.

But yeah, this is why it’s best to pay for childcare and let grandparents enjoy their retirement.

DisforDarkChocolate · 01/10/2023 18:50

@Asterales from what the OP has said the safety and wellbeing of children is at stake here, that's the first concern here.

Clemally · 01/10/2023 18:52

Don’t put toxic chemicals in unlabelled boxes ffs.

Could MiL have the start of dementia?

Original poster
MILquandary · 01/10/2023 18:52

Well yes obviously I am concerned about her and I feel bad as she is a lovely person. But why is my primary concern being DC baffling? I am their mother.

And we do pay for childcare, this is only the odd weekend occasion

OP posts:
shewhomustbeEbayed · 01/10/2023 18:53

Do you think she could have dementia ? Maybe you could approach it with your DP as concern for his mum and getting her the help she needs. If she does have memory problems then the sooner she is assessed the sooner she can be helped.
What does your FIL do while your MIL is having these concerning incidents ?
You aren’t overreacting, your DC is at risk with some of the things you have mentioned.
Rather than going out with your older DC when they come round could you all do something together which will give you the chance to observe her ?
Could you talk to your FIL ?

Original poster
MILquandary · 01/10/2023 18:54

Clemally · 01/10/2023 18:52

Don’t put toxic chemicals in unlabelled boxes ffs.

Could MiL have the start of dementia?

Oh yes not made the same mistake again. But I did tell them it was washing powder and the tin of formula was next to it.. they are adults.

OP posts:
Original poster
MILquandary · 01/10/2023 18:56

shewhomustbeEbayed · 01/10/2023 18:53

Do you think she could have dementia ? Maybe you could approach it with your DP as concern for his mum and getting her the help she needs. If she does have memory problems then the sooner she is assessed the sooner she can be helped.
What does your FIL do while your MIL is having these concerning incidents ?
You aren’t overreacting, your DC is at risk with some of the things you have mentioned.
Rather than going out with your older DC when they come round could you all do something together which will give you the chance to observe her ?
Could you talk to your FIL ?

I really don’t know - I have no personal experience with it. I think they just put it down to her being a bit ditsy?? I don’t know what other word to use.

OP posts:
ZekeZeke · 01/10/2023 18:56

Do not leave your DC alone with them and never overnight.
It sounds like she has cognitive impairment.
How old is she?
I've been through the same with MIL and it's very difficult. The first step was to get her to the GP and from there to a memory clinic where she was diagnosed with Alzhiemers type dementia.
Thankfully DH didn't have his head stuck in the sand.

PonyPatter44 · 01/10/2023 18:57

Well, for whatever reason, you can't rely on your MIL to keep the kids safe - so you can't rely on her for childcare anymore, sorry. It may well be the beginning of dementia, or something else, but your children's safety is paramount.

Have you or your DH had a chat with his dad?

KnowledgeableMomma · 01/10/2023 19:00

So I may be a bit biased here because Alzheimers has hit many of our family members so I'm almost hypervigilant for it. The behaviors ARE concerning but we have to remember it's not their fault. You want to try to help maintain the relationship (especially with her and DC) without allowing the opportunity someone to be hurt by her forgetfulness. I would continue to have them over but never leave the children alone with her. Phrase it as you all want to spend more time together. Sit down with DH and have a serious conversation about your concerns making sure to leave blame out and with only concern of supporting MIL.

In my experience, it is not until something BIG happens that close family members finally start to admit there is a problem (thinking mirror reflections are people, wandering outside the home, getting lost, actually burning something big, eating something dangerous, etc). Unfortunately for you, you're just waiting for that big mistake and keeping DC from being part of it.

Original poster
MILquandary · 01/10/2023 19:00

Yeah k good to know I’m not overreacting thank you.

No, as much as I get on with my FIL I could never speak to him about it myself. Him and DH are definite head-buryiers. Argh.

Glad you were able to get some help @ZekeZeke.

OP posts:
Original poster
MILquandary · 01/10/2023 19:01

Don’t know where yeah K came from

OP posts:
Original poster
MILquandary · 01/10/2023 19:02

@KnowledgeableMomma thanks for your insight. Think you have hit the nail on the head.

They are early 70s to answer an earlier question.

OP posts:
stayathomer · 01/10/2023 19:03

Definitely wouldn’t leave children with them. As for your mil, could be mh/ dementia but could also be stress from minding the children- it’s tough enough at our age, by that age I’m not sure I’ll be as much help as I always said I would!!!

Asterales · 01/10/2023 19:05

@DisforDarkChocolate yes, of course the children's safety is the first concern, which is why I'd take it as read that OP isn't going to be leaving her DC with MIL for the time being. It seems odd though that the focus of the OP is whether or not childcare is safe (as you rightly point out this is now a non-starter in the circumstances) rather than the significant and wider problem of MIL's apparently rapid decline of faculties.

Original poster
MILquandary · 01/10/2023 19:06

stayathomer · 01/10/2023 19:03

Definitely wouldn’t leave children with them. As for your mil, could be mh/ dementia but could also be stress from minding the children- it’s tough enough at our age, by that age I’m not sure I’ll be as much help as I always said I would!!!

Oh yes totally agree with that

OP posts:
PurpleChrayne · 01/10/2023 19:10

But yeah, this is why it’s best to pay for childcare and let grandparents enjoy their retirement.

AMEN TO THAT!

Original poster
MILquandary · 01/10/2023 19:11

@Asterales I wouldn’t say it’s rapid, but it may be early markers. I don’t know.
To be clear I am not thinking ‘oh my gosh she has dementia’ just now.

But I was worried about the last incident. DH just rolled his eyes. I have brought it up a few times gently but he doesn’t seem as concerned as me. As I said, it was also the fact she was trying to cover it up which concerned me.

OP posts:
Original poster
MILquandary · 01/10/2023 19:13

PurpleChrayne · 01/10/2023 19:10

But yeah, this is why it’s best to pay for childcare and let grandparents enjoy their retirement.

AMEN TO THAT!

Read above.

I thought the childcare brigade would arrive, but that’s fine. We do the best we can with what we have.

OP posts:
Original poster
MILquandary · 01/10/2023 19:14

Should also add that they jump at the chance! as see them maybe once a month.

OP posts:
teoma · 01/10/2023 19:21

Your MIL needs help, OP. That sounds like she start of dementia. Or she simply cannot cope with the requirements for childcare due to old age. I hope it’s the latter.

Gymmum82 · 01/10/2023 19:22

Where was FIL while MIL was setting the kitchen on fire?

I wouldn’t come at it from an angle of they can’t look after the children. I would come at it from a concern. It does sound like she has the start of dementia. She needs to see a doctor and get treatment so they can slow the decline. Your DH can bury his head all he likes but you can guilt him in to him not caring and not getting her the treatment so when she’s in a worse state he could have prevented it

Ffsmakeitstop · 01/10/2023 19:27

You definitely need to convince DH that his mum needs assessing by gp because if certain types of dementia are caught early it can be slowed down.
My DH is currently going through an assessment and is waiting for a CT scan. I can't remember what they said (ironic) but one form of dementia can be helped by medication and the others can't.
But I definitely wouldn't leave children with her as a simple mistake could have devastating consequences and your DH needs to get his head out of his arse about it.