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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

CMS Payments & Child Benefit - AIBU?

60 replies

august29 · 01/10/2023 18:11

Hi all

I'm a dad, not a mum, to clear that up before I start.

My wife and mother of our 3 kids thought she had a better offer and we ended up separating.

As part of the financial divide, she has a new efficient 4 bed detached house and new car both paid for outright so no big expenses for her. She also has a 1 bed flat she rents out and a small amount of cash - getting around £350pcm income off this after expenses.

The CMS tell me to give her what works out about 18% of my take home pay every month and she also gets the child benefit of just over £200 per month.

I have the children 102 nights per year, also driving around a lot and helping with clubs and pick ups on other days.

Now, every time they do some club or there is an expense for things like clothing, I am getting a message asking if I will pay half. I want them to have school lunches, but told I will have to send them with the money. Their schooling is located for her benefit, but when they're coming to me I'm getting requests to provide bus money for my eldest (3 different schools mean I can only pick up 2 and other gets bus).

I have been giving extra, but I'm feeling a bit hard done by, so would like some neutrals to offer their opinion and help me out here.

Her house and car expenses are very low because of the financial settlement (and I'm happy with that). We're in quite a cheap area for day-to-day living. She's now working full-time (first time) and on a decent wage. I'm already sending CMS and she has the child benefit.

So, AIBU if I start declining her requests for extra towards clubs, clothes etc. And is it reasonable for me to expect her to make sure she pays for the kids to have a hot dinner at school? I don't want the kids missing out, but feel like I need to draw the line somewhere. What would you expect the cms and child benefit to cover in this situation?

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

Weedoormatnomore · 01/10/2023 18:54

If you let her have a new car new 4 bed house what's the problem paying for school lunches buses etc? Do you have a house etc?

Original poster

august29 · 01/10/2023 19:04

Wow 😁
That's a lot of responses and different opinions. I see why this subject is so difficult!!

Don't know where to start with the replies...

My ex now earns more than me. She has an extra rental income, no mortgage and no car finance. I feel like the replies aren't taking this all into account. Her expenses are very low and that is due to me having gone above and beyond in providing for my family. Many people are out of pocket 4 figures a month with these expenses. I have also lost the ability to make money as the result of her having this settlement, with my income now a fraction of what it used to be.

Basically, weekends (fri to mon) and school hols are split with overnight care. School nights kids are with her overnight. I feel the money from cms and child benefit covers her extra expense without her having to add anything to it herself. We always lived frugally and that amount of money should cover everything during the school week - uniforms, food, clubs etc.

That's my opinion anyway. Like I said, I wanted some neutral opinions, so keep them coming. Although perhaps a site mostly of women wasn't so neutral 🤔 😂

OP posts:

IhearyouClemFandango · 01/10/2023 19:14

What is your housing arrangement?

IncomingTraffic · 01/10/2023 19:23

if a court approved a divorce settlement giving her a 4 bed house and an additional flat providing rental income… there will almost certainly have been significant other assets beyond this.

There’s no way she got 2 properties and he was left homeless. It’s notable that you have kept silent about your own assets.

From your update, it sounds like you’re angry that she’s made something of her life and started a career and that you want to control spending decisions in her household. You insisted that she lived ‘frugally’ when she was with you. Now she gets to decide how to spend the money that comes in to her household.

You just have to accept that you must pay the basic CMS rate of 18% of your income. And you still have to cover the costs for your children during your contact time.

If you want your kids to have a hot meal, you pay for school dinners. Otherwise, your ex is absolutely fine to send them with packed lunches.

The fact your OP makes a big fuss about bus fare for your child to travel from
school to your house on your contact time is telling really. A child single on the bus once a week? Who would even bring that up?

IncomingTraffic · 01/10/2023 19:25

You can decide not to pay for half of their clubs and activities and just pay the absolute legal minimum. But, tbh, your children will grow up and recognise that their dad was resentful of pretty much every penny he had to spend on them.

Right down the bus fare.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 01/10/2023 19:26

ConnieTucker · 01/10/2023 18:20

This.

Show quote history

Agreed.

Why should your ex be paying your costs

Freddiefox · 01/10/2023 19:28

You’ve gone to great length to lost your ex financial situation but not your own.
what’s is you housing situation?

Weedoormatnomore · 01/10/2023 19:28

Unfortunately this is a problem! You can not have a say in how she spends the maintenance. My DB argued his financial to make sure he had plenty to spend on his kids as knew the ex would not use it for kids regulary does holidays leaving kids behind while he pays stuff kids need.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 01/10/2023 19:29

Although perhaps a site mostly of women wasn't so neutral

I can only speak for myself (we’re not all the same you know) but I’d definitely also judge a woman who begrudged paying for their dc’s lunch and bus fares.

IncomingTraffic · 01/10/2023 19:32

SchoolQuestionnaire · 01/10/2023 19:29

Although perhaps a site mostly of women wasn't so neutral

I can only speak for myself (we’re not all the same you know) but I’d definitely also judge a woman who begrudged paying for their dc’s lunch and bus fares.

Indeed.

I think most people - of either sex - would take a dim view of any parent - again either sex - who begrudged a child single bus fare between school and their house. What is that £1?

Original poster

august29 · 01/10/2023 19:33

I am back living with my parents. Also to clarify, I said I give her 18% of my wage, but with all the money I spend to do with kids, it's a lot more, maybe 50%. I wouldn't be able to do what I currently do for them if I ran a house by myself.

OP posts:

Dramatic · 01/10/2023 19:35

My OH has his daughter for 6 nights out of every 14, so very very nearly 50/50. He still has to pay a fairly large amount of maintenance to his ex, which I do think is a tad unfair since we have her 6 nights in a row meaning we need to have as much uniform/clothes, pay just as much in extra bills for her, have a bedroom for her, do almost as many school runs etc etc.

However, I think in your situation you should be paying for the transport and school meals on the days you have the kids. I don't think you should have to pay half for clubs/uniforms because I think that should be covered by the maintenance

IncomingTraffic · 01/10/2023 19:37

How exactly did a court approve such an obviously unfair divorce settlement so that she gets two houses (owned outright and one generating an income) and a car, while you have to move back in to your childhood bedroom (with 3 children 102 nights a year)?

Especially since you claim to be such a low earner that CMS plus activity costs are more than half your income?

Weedoormatnomore · 01/10/2023 19:43

IncomingTraffic · 01/10/2023 19:37

Especially since you claim to be such a low earner that CMS plus activity costs are more than half your income?

This? Sounds very unfair.

OhmygodDont · 01/10/2023 19:51

I mean I don’t have children with an ex so no axe to grind here.

That court settlement would seem rather unfair unless there’s a huge drip feed like it was inherited from her family or something or that you also took huge assets also and pissed them up the fall or something 😅

But even so when the children are with you that’s your costs. You can’t force her to pay for hot meals/clubs or bus tickets during your time or her own time. Legally or morally.

IncompleteSenten · 01/10/2023 20:08

What she earns/has is irrelevant. If she was a billionaire it would not lessen your financial obligation to your children.

Starseeking · 01/10/2023 20:12

You should be paying at least 50% of all costs for your DC.

Flopsythebunny · 01/10/2023 20:42

You should be paying all their costs for the nights /days that they are with you on top of maintenance. So if they leave from your house to go to school you pay their bus fares and lunches for those days. you also pay for clothing and other items that they need at yours.
It's up to you if you want to contribute to clubs, sports etc that take place on the mother's time, just as its her choice to contribute to any on your time.

GabriellaMontez · 01/10/2023 20:45

I notice you talk about her assets and wages and her share of the settlement.

But you don't discuss the details on your side. Eg no mention of pensions or debts With this very one sided information, no one can make an informed judgement of if the divorce settlement was fair.

That's all a distraction.

When the dc are in your care, you're responsible. If you think they should have hot dinners, pay for them.

JustAMinutePleass · 01/10/2023 20:48

In your position I’d go to court and try to force 50/50.

UndercoverCop · 01/10/2023 20:55

You say the divorce impacted your ability to earn, did you sell your business to settle?
I think it's nrp should pay half, however if she earns a lot more than you and has reduced outgoings she might choose for them to do more expensive activities etc than otherwise, I don't think you should be reverted unable to support yourself individually to do that on top of CMS and you covering their costs/care a third of the time.
There are lots of details missing though so it's very difficult to say.
The actual amounts would be useful.
How much do you earn? How much rent do you pay your parents? Why has she got a house and a flat and you have seemingly taken no assets from the marriage were they hers prior?

ConnieTucker · 01/10/2023 23:46

I have also lost the ability to make money as the result of her having this settlement, with my income now a fraction of what it used to be.
how? I could understand this if you had 50/50 care of the children, but you dont…

Basically, weekends (fri to mon) and school hols are split with overnight care. School nights kids are with her overnight.
it sounds like you have the children every other weekend and are complaining about paging bus fare on a friday and lunch on a monday?

IncomingTraffic · 02/10/2023 08:05

‘A fraction’ may well mean 41/50 here…

Hecate01 · 02/10/2023 08:13

I'd be going straight back to court and getting a better settlement if I was in this position.

If she kept the house and car plus has an income from another property there's no way this split is fair.

IncomingTraffic · 02/10/2023 08:18

But he hasn’t shared any of the details of what he got in the settlement to balance out the 2 properties and car. Or explained why his income has diminished post-divorce.

It all sounds dreadfully unfair. But that’s intentional here.

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