Rude child (mine)

[wouldthatbeworse]

DD age 7 has terrible manners. She hardly ever remembers to say please and thank you unprompted and she often orders me and her dad around ("go and get my X") or rejects things offered ("I don't want that") without saying what she would like.

We constantly remind her to say please and thank you and ask her to rephrase her demands as polite requests but it doesn't seem to have any impact on making her generally more polite.

How can we improve this? What would a reasonable sanction be for constant rudeness. I'm so embarrassed that she must be like this at her friend's homes. No SEN (although she has some ASD tendencies so who knows what the future brings). DS4 is, in my view, normally polite for a 4 year old. I don't want him picking up bad habits.

What do you do or say when she is bad mannered?

Honestly, I wouldn't be doing any of the things requested like that. She is old enough to understand that if she can't ask nicely she can't have it.

Don't put up with it? Don't do things for her unless she says please. Don't let her order you around.

However, it is very important to ensure that you show her the same behaviours, so don't order her around, ensure you say please if you ask her to do something, and thank you when she does. I'm not saying you don't already do that... but it can be easy to forget!

I didn’t respond until they asked politely, and I certainly didn’t respond to orders.

If my child tried to order me around like that I just wouldn't comply. They'd be told to go and get it themselves if they wanted it that badly.

Just keep explaining to her that people won't want to help her or oblige her requests if she treats them poorly. If she rudely demands a drink, don't get angry or snap back, just insist that she rephrases it and don't give her what she wants until she does.

Meanwhile, when she isn't being rude, lots of modelling polite behaviour, and lots of explanation and conversation about WHY people prefer to be treated with kindness and respect, exploring which words and phrases are acceptable and which aren't and why - if she has ASD she will need a lot of this sort of explicit input to get the hang of what is actually pretty nebulous and difficult to master.

Patience, just keep reminding and not responding to rude requests. If you can, tell her "remember, polite answers only" or some such prompt phrase before you offer something. Just keep practising, she'll get there.

And modelling, that's really important. Make sure you're always polite when you ask her to do something. Perhaps you could deliberately throw in some extra "DD, please can you pass the ..." sort of requests at meal times or other times she can be helpful, just to get in extra modelling!

I'd be saying no to her demands for a start. Not asking her to rephrase, just a flat out not a chance I'm doing that for you after the way you just spoke to me.

DD: Go and get my X.
Me: Not until you ask politely. In fact, until you can remember to ask please, X will be in my pocket for the foreseeable future.

DD: I don't want that.
Me: I understand, sometimes I don't want peas either. However, until you can say No thank you, peas are on the menu nightly.

Once DD starts to make an effort to be more polite, praise, praise, praise her efforts!

If she does have ASD this approach will result in an angry, insecure child who stops trying to navigate a set of unclear expectations that even her own parents don't care enough to explain to her. Definitely don't do this.

Remind her before things happen (eg meal times) that she needs to ask politely.

Ignore her - I mean literally pretending you can’t hear her a few times- if she isn’t polite. If she starts to get irate just say ‘if you want people to do things for you then you have to be polite, or they just won’t do anything for you - now what should you say here..? Don’t give her a thing until she asks properly.

I would also just say to other parents that she seems to be going through a rude phase. You are really sorry if she doesn’t say please and thank you- and please can they let you know as you are working on it.

It is a phase and she’ll come out of it but firmness will fix it quickest.

Like pp said, lots of modelling so that the culture and norms for your home are obviously very polite and then refuse to meet demands made in a rude way.

It's reasonable for a 3/4 year old to still be getting to grips with polite requests but by her age she should know better.

If I think my child has not been polite/appreciative I often do that thing where it is me talking saying "thank you mummy for coming out in the rain to pick me up/thank you mummy for cooking such a lovely dinner/thank you mum for washing my PE kit and getting my ready for me to use again...I probably keep waffling and go "you're welcome it was a pleasure...." and my son just goes "thanks mum". Not making a big deal but making the point.

As for ordering me about e.g. if my son said "you need to take me to so and sos house" but said it rudely I would just say "I won't be doing anything for you if you speak to me like that!" and he would rephrase to "sorry mum - please could you take me to...."

… oh and lots of praise when it is right

My 4 year old is exactly like this, he has ASD.

Oh, and also I was going to say don't feel you have to hide your reaction. We get so used to doing imperturbable face as parents. If the way she says something offends you it's okay to say "DD, that was really rude" and show her you're hurt before you move on to "would you like to try again?" Better you than other people. Though often they're not as bad with other people, it's just parents they forget are human beings.

Well this is very childish, so I don’t think the OP would want to do this.

Children need their parents to be calm and in control and to model good behaviour

I’d make sure all the adults are modelling.

I have a friend who despairs at her daughter’s tone, but she just won’t see that her child is using the tone both she and also her sister, who is her childminder, use.

When I've been spoken to like that I've stood there and just looked at them. They soon realise that they needed to ask politely.

I have found that it’s easier to get manners out of a 4 year old than a 7 year old. The last year it’s like I’ve had a taster for the teen years, Ps and Qs have completely fallen away at time. Usually a demand is met with ‘excuse me?’. My eldest is autistic though, I can see the thought process of ‘I want a drink, I have said this, I now expect a drink’.

As a side note, my kids dad expects please and thank you for absolutely everything which even I find a bit much. With kids who have autism it’s just a far fetched and quite frankly exhausting expectation.

My sons are in their 20s. Both have autism. Diagnosed when they were 2.5 and 3.

I am also autistic. DX as an adult. Being told the rules firmly, directly and with no ambiguity is a godsend.

When you have, as the op says she has, repeatedly explained why something is unacceptable and what it should be replaced with - it is ok to switch to a more blunt approach.

Thanks for the responses.

We remind about please and thank you constantly. We don’t respond to demands until they are re-phrased. We model permanently, even Alexa gets a please. But it doesn’t seem to leave any memory that she has to do it next time.

“would you like to try again” is a nice non-oppositional way of responding. I’ll use that.

I think the poster who said that the thought process of “I want a drink” therefore I demand a drink is right about where it’s coming from. But her tone is quite rude rather than purely factual!

each individual rudeness is so minor it doesn’t warrant a punishment (whatever that even means) but collectively it’s unpleasant to live with.

she often orders me and her dad around ("go and get my X")

Can she not get them herself? Are you mollycoddling her?

Every time she does it say "I beg your pardon?" Say it nicely but you don't hear her until she achieves an adequate level of politeness.

THIS!

Well done you for admitting it OP. Nobody wants to be the parent of the bad mannered child and you are taking positive steps to make sure she doesn't become rude and unbearable.
Consequences consequences and more consequences. Literally she gets nothing unless she's polite.